


The Things He Carried

by Therefore_I_Must_Cry



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst for the sake of healing, Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji/Healing, Ash Lynx/Self-actualization, Ash overcomes his trauma, Character Study: Ash Lynx, Expansion of Minor Characters, F/M, HAPPY ENDING because Banana Fish fans have suffered enough, M/M, Memories of rape, Open discussion of self-harm/suicidal ideation, Pining Ash Lynx, Post-Canon, Post-Side Story: Garden of Light, Psychological & Surreal, So much healing, Supernatural Elements, dealing with death, my ot3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-07-09
Packaged: 2019-11-04 05:16:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 44,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17892194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Therefore_I_Must_Cry/pseuds/Therefore_I_Must_Cry
Summary: After the end of Banana Fish, what happened to Ash?Did he…A. Enjoy therapeutic visits to friends and familyB. Gain supernatural powers such as sprouting itchy wingsC. Fight the demons of his past mentally and physicallyD. Have a mini meltdown when he met Eiji againE. ALL OF THE ABOVE***Canon Ending Compliant + Supernatural Elements = Journey of Healing***Japanese Translation (日本語の翻訳) by the wonderful *Penguin*here.(Revised Summary)





	1. Worth More than His Past

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place in the modern time period of the Banana Fish anime, but borrows heavy influence from both the anime and the manga. 
> 
> This chapter’s theme/mood song is “If I Die Young” by The Band Perry 
> 
> A beautiful instrumental (no vocals) “If I Die Young” cover you can listen to on repeat while reading [over here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FoJ1siwluEs). Cover by aldymusic32. 
> 
> “If I Die Young” original lyrics [found here](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/bandperry/ifidieyoung.html). “The sharp knife of a short life” indeed.
> 
> After Ash died I felt like I had lost a dear friend and like losing a dear friend I’ll always be a little sad when I remember. I’m sure many of you feel the same way. T_T That’s why I hope this fanfic is as cathartic for you reading it as it was for me writing it. Enjoy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story takes place in the modern time period of the Banana Fish anime, but borrows heavy influence from both the anime and the manga. 
> 
> This chapter’s theme/mood song is “If I Die Young” by The Band Perry 
> 
> A beautiful instrumental (no vocals) “If I Die Young” cover you can listen to on repeat while reading [over here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FoJ1siwluEs). Cover by aldymusic32. 
> 
> “If I Die Young” original lyrics [found here](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/bandperry/ifidieyoung.html). “The sharp knife of a short life” indeed.
> 
> After Ash died I felt like I had lost a dear friend and like losing a dear friend I’ll always be a little sad when I remember. I’m sure many of you feel the same way. T_T That’s why I hope this fanfic is as cathartic for you reading it as it was for me writing it. Enjoy.

_Lynx…Leopard…Lion…Beast…_

Ash crouched in the grass, creeping closer and closer to his prey. The heavy musk of prey was so heavy it sat on his tongue. From Ash’s pumping heart to the tips of his fur, his body cried for the heat of destruction. The air trembled in his presence.

His prey raised its head. Ears twitched. Legs kicked off the ground.  

The chase was on.

Ash ran with everything he had. He couldn’t let his prey escape, couldn’t quit the hunt, couldn’t stop. If he did, for some unfathomable reason, he knew he would surely die.   

His body suddenly felt too small. An inferno inside him shook with the desire to shatter the cage of his bones, shed the flimsy confines of his skin and burst out of his mortal shell.

Roaring, he leapt and sank his fangs into the nape of his prey. Dark satisfaction overwhelmed him as blood filled his mouth. His prey kicked and thrashed, but it slowed to twitching and finally stillness. He withdrew to survey his work and froze. His prey shared his face.

Ash was both predator and prey, both powerful and powerless. Simultaneously, he was lying on the dirt dying and watching himself die from above.

He didn’t hesitate to make the killing blow.

_Buddhist Mythology…Asuras…heathen deities that fought the good deities…The Asuras are said to be fierce warriors, terrible demons…_

The darkness was all Ash could see. It strangled him, violated him and nested in his lungs. Drifting in the void, he wondered what he had become, for his old mortal shackles were no more.

Was he a demon, a god, or something in between?

The inferno still burned inside him, almost like a hunger, a great nothingness longing to be full.

A light appeared, almost like a star, and he swam to it instinctually the same way babies instinctually missed the womb.

When Ash reached the light, he stood before a great feast for the gods. Glass and cutlery chimed. Carefree laughter bordered on careless. Among the rhythms of eating, the promise of never going hungry again whispered in his ear.

And so he fed.

Breaking glass. Laughter twisted into screams. The hunger inside him smiled.

As the blood flew, Ash distantly wondered if it was too late. Could he swim out of the hole he made for himself? Could he climb back down the mountain? But this was the useless pondering of a child, for he already knew the answer.  

In the eyes of those he killed he finally saw himself.

He was a beautiful youth in fine, flowing robes hiding a malevolent monster within. _How did I get this way?_

Adorned with six arms, he killed without restraint to kill his great hunger. _Will I ever be full?_

On his shoulders sat three heads; each had a different face. _Who’s the real me?_

He nibbled on rotting, sour envy in eyes that pierced him, and he grew bigger. He sucked sticky, sweet pride from the veins of deities, and he grew even bigger. He licked salty, bitter wrath stuck to his fingers, and he grew impossibly big. 

Yet no matter how big his body grew, the inferno inside him was always bigger.

Even after Ash devoured the entire golden feast until there was nothing left, he was still hungry.

And so he ate himself.

_Devil…The whole world will be at your feet…_

Respect. Fear. And absolute power. Everyone bowed down to Ash or became ashes. He lived in a hell of his own creation.  

There he sat upon a throne of bones atop countless corpses. A crown of steel and smoke adorned his hair. The entire world was his kingdom of fire. And still he felt nothing.  

In his rebellion against evil, he became the greatest evil he had ever known.

The boy he used to be tried to run away from himself but died before he got the chance to escape.  

And still, the inferno within him could not be satisfied.

So, he let himself burn.   

* * *

Ash jolted awake in his bed—screaming. He covered his mouth. _It was only another nightmare._ _It’s okay. I’m okay,_ he lied to himself.

His blankets suffocated him like a coffin. He yanked them off and kicked them away.   

Naked and trembling, Ash wrapped his arms around himself. Sweat drenched him as if he had sprinted through a hurricane. In his dreams he burned, but now he froze, icicles stabbing his insides.

Hurried footsteps thudded toward the bedroom. The door flung open. Eiji rushed to his side. “Ash, I heard screaming. Are you okay?”  

The icicles instantly melted in the sun. Seeing Eiji’s face always softened Ash’s jagged edges. “Yeah, I’m fine, just had a few bad dreams.”

Eiji cradled Ash’s head to his chest. “I’m here for you, you know that, right?”

Ash deeply inhaled, trying to seep himself into the warm home of Eiji’s scent. But Eiji smelled wrong, like rotting fruit. Ash shoved him away. “You’re not Eiji.”

“That was quick,” Fake Eiji said. “You always had impressive instincts, Aslan.”

Ash reached for his gun, but it was gone. He tackled the imposer and pinned him to the floor. “Where’s Eiji?! What did you do to him?!”  

“Don’t worry, he’s safe. You just no longer reside in the same world he does.”

_We never lived in the same world to begin with._

Fake Eiji wasn’t lying, and he wasn’t struggling. He smiled in an indulgent sort of way like he was humoring a kindergartener who was showing off a pipe cleaner giraffe.

In fact, Fake Eiji seemed oddly sweet and eerily familiar like Ash had known him since childhood, but that didn’t change the fact that Fake Eiji raised red flags.

Question: If needed, how to kill Fake Eiji?

In less than a second, the options scrolled through Ash’s mind.

  1. Smother him with the sheets on the bed
  2. Break his neck 
  3. Break his spinal cord
  4. Break his balls
  5. Fatal brain damage via the temple
  6. Fatal brain damage via back of the head
  7. Fatal brain damage via the ears
  8. Gouge his eyes out
  9. Break the vase on the nightstand, slash his throat
  10. If he struggles, lure him to the next room and…



Fake Eiji laughed. “You instantly devised 9.5 different ways to kill me, didn’t you? Ha, I love it. You’re such a hootenanny.”

This guy was dangerous and could apparently read minds, but he also had no real harmful intent at least for now. Besides, Ash was curious. His nose scrunched up. “What’s a _hootenanny?_ ” he said as if he just sniffed an exotic dish and was debating whether to eat it or not.

Fake Eiji gently nudged him toward the dish. “ _Hootenanny_ : a celebration, a thingamajig, a folk music gathering. The usage of _Hootenanny_ has transformed over the years, but the modern meaning was popularized in the 1950s and 1960s by Pete Seeger and Woody—”

“Alright, alright, I got it, Professor.” Ash had his fill of exotic word delicacies. He sat on the floor to let Fake Eiji sit up. Ash shivered; he had forgotten he was still naked.

Fake Eiji waved his hand. “You seem quite chilly.”

Ripped jeans and a white shirt manifested on Ash. He inspected his new clothes: They seemed alright, but they only made him more curious. He narrowed his eyes. “Thanks, but who are you anyways? You’re too weird to be human.”

Fake Eiji shook his head and smiled like he was dealing with a likable but slow child. “Memory loss is common especially after intense physical trauma like the kind you faced, but you’re so astute: I assumed you would have realized sooner.”

Ash felt young again like he was at the beach at Cape Cod—neck deep in water and paralyzed as a colossal wave’s gaping maw prepared to engulf him. Yet, he was not afraid: He accepted the inedible.

“I’ve known you since you were 8 years old,” Fake Eiji said. “And you know me better than most people ever will. Our paths often intersected, but we didn’t officially meet until recently: At the New York Public Library.”

Ash hissed. A sudden pain stabbed the side of his stomach out of nowhere. Blood bloomed from the wound as he pressed his hand against it. Panting, he stared at the real empathy in Fake Eiji’s face and let the wave of memories crash over him.

_Ash had been slumped in his favorite chair at the library and resting the side of his head against the cool surface of the table. It was a comforting position that reminded him of distant days where he slept at his school desk._

_The wound at his side no longer hurt. Instead his body was dandelion seeds: incredibly light and ready to float away. His fingers caressed Eiji’s letter as if to caress a cheek. Ash couldn’t open his eyes anymore, but it wasn’t a problem: he had already memorized the letter._

You are not alone, Ash. I am with you. My soul is always with you.

_Even though the world taught Ash to never believe in anyone, he believed in Eiji, and so Ash knew he would never be alone again. Despite the chill outside, more than ever before, he felt warm._

_A finger tapped his shoulder. “Aslan, it’s time to go.”_

_The voice was gentle and enticing. Ash had no reason to say no. “Alright, give me a minute. It might take me a while to move. I’m so comfortable…”_

_“Ssshhh, it’s okay. I’ll carry you,” the voice said._

_Ash didn’t like depending on anyone, but this felt right. “Okay…thanks.” He smiled feeling truly at peace for the first time in his life._

_Bony yet loving arms cradled him like a newborn. Normally, Ash would bite, claw and kick because that was all he knew before he met Eiji, but now Ash didn’t have to struggle anymore. And so, like Eiji did the first day they met, Ash flew._

Ash snapped back to the present gasping as if almost drowning.

He stared at Fake Eiji finally seeing him for what he really was. “You’re Death. You took me away, and I…died.”

* * *

 “That’s right, you got it,” Death said as if Ash answered a question correctly during after school tutoring. “How do you feel? I imagine you’re quite overwhelmed; many humans are after dying.”

Ash clutched the side of his stomach where the wound was, but it was already gone: a phantom of a memory.

For most of Ash’s life, no one gave a rat’s ass about his feelings. He got used to burying them like dead bodies and donning masks to perform different roles. But that wouldn’t work here, so Ash answered honestly. “I feel free.”

“That makes sense,” Death said. “You’ve lived a heavy life, heavier than most. It’s no wonder you slept for such a long time: It must be a relief to finally get some rest.”

After Death picked him up and before the nightmares, Ash actually slept well, better than he ever did while he was still alive, but rest was never a priority when he died. “Yeah, it was nice to sleep, but that wasn’t what I meant.”

Ash fiddled with lint on the carpet. “It’s hard to explain, but by dying I freed a lot of people. Everyone I ever hurt finally got their vengeance. I can’t kill anyone anymore. And…Nobody will go after Eiji with me gone; he can finally be safe.”

Pulling apart the lint, Ash said lightly, “It’s good I died. The world’s better off.”

Death stared. His eyes were no longer Eiji’s. They were dark holes in space absorbing light, stars, galaxies and everything they came across. It was impossible to look away. The air around him vibrated to steer clear of his wrath.

“So, you’re saying,” Death said slowly. “Your life was a burden you freed everyone from.”

Ash was used to intimidation, but this was on a whole other level. Still he would not be cowed. “Yeah, that’s right.” 

Death’s eyes narrowed. “And you think your life was worthless?”  

Ash couldn’t understand why Death simmered with rage. “Yeah, less than worthless,” Ash said as if he was reading a history textbook aloud. “I was scum, a murderer, a semen toilet. You made the right choice picking me up before I could screw over anyone else.”

The lights flickered. The burnt smell of lightning whirled and roared. Death’s body warped like it couldn’t hold its shape anymore and blared static like a TV possessed by ghosts.  

Ash was witnessing power beyond his human comprehension, but he didn’t care what happened to him. His friends were already safe.

Then like a spring storm suddenly passing the darkness ended.

Exhaling like a kettle whistling out steam, Death’s features became normal again. “My apologies: That was rude of me. I’ll make sure it doesn’t happen again. Now I’m pleased we got to chat, but it’s time to discuss business.”

Ash tried to be as casual as possible as if he didn’t just avoid a small cataclysm. “Good, I was thinking the same. What are you going to do with me now, Professor?”

Death tapped his chin. “I actually don’t know. You’re a conundrum to say the least. I need to have a few heated debates with my coworkers before we find you a place in the Afterlife.”

“Just drop me off in Hell. It’s where I belong, and I’m sure there’ll be plenty of people down there who’ll be happy to see me.”

“I never met a human so eager to visit Hell. You’re certainly don’t fit expectations.”

Ash snorted. “Speak for yourself. You’re fluffier than cotton candy. Don’t get me wrong, you’re dangerous, but even Eiji has more bite to him if you push him right.”

Death conjured a mirror with a swipe of his hand. “In social psychology there’s a concept called ‘the looking-glass self.’ Have you heard of it?”

“Yeah, I studied some psychology in my free time.” _He needed to learn how to motivate and manipulate people early on._ “It’s definitely more _useful_ than the obscure history of outdated words.” Ash smirked.     

Death ignored the barb like a mother ignoring a fussy toddler pulling on her apron and touched the mirror. “If one’s sense of self and behavior is influenced by how others see them, why would I be any different? I become what humans perceive me as which is usually much more terrifying than how I look now.

“You have a unique perception of me, and I became that perception. You viewed me as sweet, peaceful and enticing.” Death put his hands on his cheeks and grinned. “And so I took on the form you find the _most_ sweet, peaceful and enticing.”  

Ash scowled. “You can copy any face. I don’t even care if you swipe Dino’s ugly mug, but don’t wear Eiji’s face.” Ash’s eyes darted away. “Please.”

“My apologies: I was being rude again, wasn’t I? I’m taking an empathy course right now, but there are some things you can’t learn in a classroom.” Death tapped the mirror, and his Fake Eiji façade morphed into a black cat. “Better?”

“A lot better…Thank you.” Ash smoothed Death’s sleek fur.

Death purred in response. “I appreciate your honesty. Others try to deceive me, but you don’t.”   

Buzz…Buzz…A cell phone was going off. “Gadzooks!” Death said. “I really have to run, but we’ll meet again soon.”

Death bound toward the open window and paused. “Until we decide where you’ll go, you’re free to do what you wish. Trust your heart. You’ll never be able to escape from it. So it's better to listen to what it has to say.” 

He winked and disappeared out the window. 

* * *

_Last time I ever trust my heart,_ Ash thought as he dodged flying fish hurled by men wearing giant bananas. 

He was in some type of fish market. Everyone scrambled from stall to stall throwing or catching seafood while shouting gibberish together; it might have been English, but it could have easily been any language.

After Death had left, Ash had laid in bed trying to listen to his heart or whatever. Next thing he knew he was laid out on a giant pile of salmon.  

He now sprinted around the fish market hunting for an escape.

“Ash, is that you?” A familiar voice shouted above the cacophony. Ash never thought he would hear that voice again.  

“Skip! What are you doing here?” Ash shouted back.

A mustached banana man flung shrimp at Skip like ninja stars while making _pew! pew! pew!_ noises. Skip caught them with a gloved hand and tossed them into a bag with practiced ease. “What am I doing here? I live here! I always swing by here on Sundays. You wouldn’t think it, but this fish market has great Rum and Coke.”

Skip flipped a few coins to the vendor who tossed two bottles back in return. They exchanged nods before Skip turned his full attention to Ash. “I can’t believe you’re really here. It’s like some kind of dream. Wait, why are you here?”

Ash wondered that himself but answered instinctually. “I wanted to see you, Skip.” And as soon as he said that, Ash knew the purpose with the time given to him. Skip grinned, and Ash couldn’t help but smile back. There were too many people he wanted to see again.

Black hair and eyes the color of night came to mind.

Then a flying squid nailed Ash in the face. The squid oozed down, fell on the wet cement with a loud _smack_ and quickly crawled away. 

“Let’s get out of here,” Skip said. He made a valiant effort not to snicker. Bless Skip. Another certain _someone_ would have laughed his ass off. The beautiful bastard. 

As they left the fish market, Skip clued Ash in on what the hell was going on.

In the Afterlife reality could be molded by the imagination. Skip had always wanted to build and live in an amusement park, so he had worked on his dream in the Afterlife. Word got out, and soon other souls moved in and contributed their own ideas till Skip’s dwelling got more than a little wild (e.g. purple flamingos kept stealing Skip’s sneakers), but he liked it that way. 

Together Ash and Skip crawled through wire tunnels in the sky, slid down 10-story slides, climbed through broken planes, explored ancient caves and fled from an elephant-sized hamster. The hamster eventually caught them, but she only wanted hugs, so all was forgiven.

Soon they arrived to a half junk-yard, half play-ground sort of place. Children and 8-legged dogs scampered over old mattresses. Invisible hands built swings out of tires and bottle caps. Sizzling barbecue beef marinated the air with the promise of umami and spices. Perfectly at ease in the happy chaos, Skip handed his bag of shrimp to a sequin-suited woman who tended the barbecue.

Ash and Skip ducked into a burrow that led to the inside of an old bus with all the seats removed. Skip pointed at a floating TV and Xbox at the back of the bus. “Wanna play some games?”

“Sure, why not?” Ash said. He never actually played video games before; he never had the time to, but since dying he had experienced a lot of new things all at once. It made him feel young, raw and exposed like a baby turtle crawling to the ocean.

They started with _Mario Kart_ while they sipped the Rum and Coke Skip brought. Ash caught on to the goofy driving of _Mario Kart_ quickly but needed more explanation with _Super Smash Bros_.

Skip scrolled through a bunch of backgrounds. “First, we gotta pick our battleground. Since you’re my guest, I’ll let you pick. If you want suggestions, Final Destination is a classic and—”

“How about here?” Ash pointed at a background with a Japanese castle accompanied by a vivid sunset. It looked like the sort of place where 8 million gods slept. _Why don’t you come to_ _Japan_ _with me?_

“Suzaku Castle? Niiiccceee. The music’s really good there.”

The next screen had dozens of cartoon characters Ash couldn’t recognize. Skip continued explaining. “Next you pick who you wanna fight with. Sonic’s super fun and fast. Bowser’s a powerhouse and easy to learn. Oh and there’s Mario who’s average all around, but there’s something real honest about how he fights. And then…”

Ash chose Mario. He was one of the only characters Ash knew, but besides that, Ash found something profoundly appealing about an “honest” character. He decided not to think too deeply as to why that was. 

Skip picked a mysterious-looking, blonde ninja in bandages. “I mainly play with Sheik,” Skip said. “She reminds me of you: Fast, tough and full of surprises.”

Before playing, Skip quickly explained how they each had a damage meter and 3 lives called stocks. “Your main goal is to make me lose my 3 stocks first by either knocking me out of bounds or landing a strong enough attack on me when my damage is high.” 

They played for a while in silence. Ash quickly adapted to the game mechanics, and his honed reflexes were a good match for Skip’s enthusiasm and experience. They each had 2 stocks left.

Mario was in the middle of aerial combos mixed with meteor barrages when Ash finally gathered the courage to say it. “The day you were shot…I couldn’t protect you. You were so young when you died, Skip. I’m—”

“You died young too, Ash,” Skip said.

Sheik vanished, reappeared and sent Mario flying into the air with a kick combo.

Ash vaguely registered that his damage meter soared way over 100%. The rising percentage turned a rusty red like a warning or like a scab he couldn’t help but pick at. “Yeah, but I got what was coming to me. I was always a troublemaker, but you were different: You were a good person, a really good person. You could have lived a normal life if you never met me. You would have been better off.”

Skip hesitated before he replied. “People normally see me as…cheerful, but I wasn’t always like that. I was the middle kid of a big family. For most of my life I felt useless, invisible, like nobody ever saw me.”

Mario and Sheik got into a cycle where she knocked him far away from the platform, he recovered enough to barely grab onto the ledge and then she blasted him away again.

Hollowness numbed Ash’s chest. Even though he had spent so much time with Skip, he never truly knew him, but then again maybe he didn’t truly know anyone. His life style had never allowed him to get close to people (with one exception).

Skip continued. “But then I met you. You gave me a job, and it let me bring money back to my family, but more than the money you and the gang made me feel important, worthwhile like you _saw_ me. That’s why I always looked so happy around you guys because I _was_ happy the happiest I ever been in my life. So please don’t ever say it would have been better if I had never met you.”    

Ash didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything at all.

Sheik’s tenacity won, and she finally knocked Mario out of bounds. He quickly reappeared onto the platform with 0% damage almost as if he was purified. Skip-2 stocks. Ash-1 stock.

For a while they returned to a casual exchange of blows.

“You know,” Skip said quietly, “I wanted to make an amusement park because I wanted to make a place where everyone could be happy no matter who they were or where they came from. Even though it wasn’t in the way I expected, my dream still came true.”

The video game music grew faster.

“It’s a good dream,” Ash said. “But do you think everyone deserves to be happy?”

Mario unleashed a powerful up smash and sent Sheik flying out of bounds. 1 to 1 stocks. The end was near. Sheik became a flurry of punches and kicks when she returned.

“I don’t know,” Skip said. “But I know one thing for sure. I want _you_ to be happy.”

Mario faltered. Sheik grabbed him and slammed him into the ground.

“I idolized you, you know?” Skip said. “With your Smith & Wesson .357 magnum gun with the cut barrel you were unstoppable like a real life superhero.”

Sheik constantly jumped around and landed devastating blows as soon as it seemed like Mario got the upper hand again.

“But after I died,” Skip said, “I sometimes caught glimpses of how you and the gang were doing on Earth, and I realized you weren’t an invisible superhuman.” Skip’s Sheik was going nuts, going in for the kill. “You got hurt and cried and suffered more than anyone else, but you always stayed strong and always kept going. It made me admire you even more…No matter what, you’ll never stop being my hero, Ash.”

Sheik sent Mario flying; he became a distant star disappearing on the horizon. The game narrator bellowed “GAME!” and Sheik cut a victory pose.

Ash put down the controller and flopped down on the floor. He couldn’t argue with that sort of unwavering conviction. Was it okay for Ash to daydream, even a little bit, that his life was more than sex and destruction? That he had done some good?

“I completely lost. Good game,” Ash said with an arm over his eyes.

“I can’t believe today was your first time playing,” Skip said, slapping his hands on the ground. “You did aaammmaaazing. I barely won. You have to visit more, so we can play again.”

Ash still didn’t know what was going to happen to him and where Death would eventually put him. He was used to imagining the worse case scenario, but like when he was invited to go to Japan he wanted to hope in a better future at least for a little while. “Thanks, Skip, I’ll have to take you up on that.”

Later Ash and Skip lined up next to the barbecue, and the sequin-suited woman handed them a few beef & shrimp skewers. They leaned back against a beat-up, 1985 blue mustang and demolished their food.

“How is it?” Skip said.

Feeling satisfied with food in a way he hadn’t felt since Eiji gave him soup in the sewers, Ash responded the only way he could. “Wonderful, exactly what I needed.”

* * *

The weather was wonderful in Central Park, but Ash couldn’t relax. He sped-walked—head down and hands in his pockets.

Nobody was bothering him. Nobody was following him. Nobody was endangering him. So why did he flinch at every new sound like an addict on withdrawal?

In life Ash constantly had a purpose. _Survive. Kill. Protect_.

Even when Ash had seemed like he was relaxing, he was always prepping for the next fight. But now?

He was already dead, he didn’t have to kill anymore, and everyone he wanted to protect was safer with him gone. _Eiji’s safe now. Stop worrying. Stop worrying. Stop worrying._

Ash was finally free, but it tasted like a fermented lie. Something horrible was bound to happen. It always did. He had to get ready. He had to do his research. He had to—

“Out of the way, _Midget_!” a hulking man riding a tiny tricycle shouted. Ash leapt away in time and flipped off the guy. It was strangely comforting that whether in the Living World or the Afterlife assholes were everywhere in New York City.

It was weird though. _Midget._ He wasn’t a giant like Blanca, but he couldn’t be called fun-sized either. Now that he thought about it everything did look a little bigger than usual. His body might have been smaller too. 

Ash swiped a mirror from a woman carefully applying lipstick and tossed it back to her as she squawked at him. His suspicions were right: He was younger and looked about 14 years old.

But why? He didn’t will it to happen the way Skip willed his amusement park into existence. This had to be the work of something or someone else.

“I was wondering when you would get here. Can you come sit with me, Ash?”

Ash froze.

Looking exactly like he remembered her, Irene Vega sat on the park bench waiting for him. She was the first and last girl Ash ever let himself love.

They had met when they were both 14 years old. He’d been banged up from a fight and had limped through Central Park with a bleeding arm until Irene stopped him. She insisted on bandaging him up though his glares made her tremble.

As she wrapped him, she nervously chatted about current movies, music and cat memes. It was a truly mundane conversation but also painfully refreshing.

After years of forced prostitution and Dino’s “education,” she made him feel like a normal teenager for once. When she asked to hang out again, he didn’t say no.

They met several times after that at Central Park to eat cheap ice cream and wander aimlessly.

He learned she needed speech classes as a child because she used to mix up the _b_ and _v_ sounds, she always had extra _mantecaditos_ in her backpack to share with friends, and she wished “Dog Cuddling” was in the Olympics so she could compete.  

Irene had nothing to do with his world of darkness. In his mind, she represented everything good and normal in the world, and he quickly realized he loved her.

When Ash had first met Eiji, he reminded Ash a lot of Irene, especially after Eiji bandaged his arm the first day they met. But Eiji quickly became his own person in Ash’s mind. Ash was always more anxious around Irene compared to Eiji; he was constantly afraid she would discover his past and run away.

Apparently, he had nothing to worry about because she never needed to make that choice. A month after they met, a street gang murdered her because they thought she was Ash’s girlfriend. One by one, Ash killed them all using Blanca’s training, but afterwards he knew he couldn’t be with normal people again.  

“It’s good to see you again, Irene,” Ash said quietly. His body was a boulder: dense and heavy. He sat on the bench far away from her.

Suddenly, it got chillier and windier. Gray clouds rolled in. The trees lost their green to pale autumn colors in seconds.

Between Ash and Irene the tyrant of silence reigned. Ash clenched his fists till his hands bled. She combed through her long, brown hair with her fingers, a fidgety habit she kept from when she was alive.

Ash attacked the silence with the dread of a rebel leading a final charge. “They killed you because of me. You had nothing to do with my world but got dragged into it. Nothing I do or say can ever make things right. I’m…I’m sorry for everything.”

Apologizing felt like the only thing he could do now, but in life Ash had avoided it because it left him as a belly-up animal: too open and too vulnerable. Besides, he had been afraid once he said “Sorry” he wouldn’t be able to stop. _I’m sorry for being a killer. I’m sorry for being a whore. I’m sorry for being alive._

“It’s getting cold, let’s go for a walk instead,” Irene said while standing.  

Surrounded by rusting light posts and golden elms losing their golden leaves, they moved through Central Park.

Irene tucked her hands in her coat pockets. “My older sister was the first one in the family to graduate from high school. She was salutatorian for her class and wrote this beautiful speech to give at graduation. We were all so proud of her.

“About a week before the graduation ceremony, my mom, my sister and I planned a girls’ night out to buy nice clothes for the big day. My mother and sister had work, so we agreed to meet up later. I headed to the mall first, but I never made it there.

“I got pulled into an alley. There was this group of 6 or 8 guys. It’s hard to remember the details now; I don’t like to think about it. They beat me, raped me and shot me.

“But right before they killed me one of them got really close to my face. I’ll never forget how gross his breath was—like rotting meat and stale cigarettes cooked in toilet water. ‘No hard feelings girlie,’ he said. ‘We were told to send a message to Ash Lynx, so if you gotta hate someone, hate your boyfriend.’   

“I was so confused at first. Boyfriend? I had never even kissed a boy before let alone have a boyfriend. I died denying it and begging for my life.”

The sun disappeared as snow invaded the skies. Leaves littered the muted earth and left behind skeleton trees. Howling, the wind sliced like switchblades. An unforgiving winter raged.

Irene held out her hand to watch snow melt on her skin. “I watched my family prepare for my funeral and bury my body. My dad didn’t speak for days. My mom lost half her hair. My sister skipped her graduation. If I had to choose between experiencing my death or my funeral again, I would always pick death.

“I knew it wasn’t your fault, Ash, but I couldn’t help but think: _If I had never met him none of this would have happened._ In the Afterlife sometimes I had day dreams of becoming a ghost, so I could haunt you and everyone who hurt me. I hated you, and that could never really go away.”       

Ice squeezed Ash’s insides. Even though he had known deep down that being with Irene would put her in danger, he had stayed. His selfishness had killed her, had permanently scarred her family. The weight of all his sins pressed him like an inescapable gravity.

Invisible hands grabbed him everywhere ready to drag him to Hell. Ash longed for the inferno from his dreams to consume him.

He once dreamt Eiji could cleanse his soul, but he was wrong. His soul was too dirty.

Irene’s voice rang out like a bell in an empty concert hall. “And I wish it was that simple. That I hated you and that was the end of it. But then I saw you visit my grave in the rain bawling your eyes out when nobody else was around. I saw you hunt down everyone in that gang that hurt me. I saw you suffer over and over again.”

She stopped walking and turned to fix Ash with a firm stare. “Then I realized I didn’t need to become a ghost to punish you because you punished yourself more than I ever could.

“I slowly remembered why I approached you in the first place. Since we first met you were that beautiful boy with sad, old eyes. I wanted to help you. I wanted you to act your age. And most of all, I wanted you to get out of whatever darkness you were trapped in. Even after everything we’ve been through, I still want that.”

The howling wind became a cool breeze. Baby leaves budded. Even though it started sprinkling, the sun bathed the park in warm light. A sudden April shower embraced spring.

Ash shook his head. “That…that doesn’t make any sense.”

“Yeah, I was confused too for a long time,” Irene said. “But I finally realized all the hate in my heart was making me hate myself. And I didn’t want to be like that anymore.”

She stared at two juvenile squirrels chasing each other around a tree. “Death gives you the chance to reflect a lot, and I’ve been thinking: What’s most important in life?”  

It was a good question—one Ash never got the time to think about before.

Irene’s voice became quiet but strong: A shaking fawn standing for the first time. “Even though how I died and all of my pain will always be a big part of me, it wasn’t the most important part of my life.

“When I think of what was most important, I think of other things. I think of the smell of simmering garlic and throwing plantains at my laughing sister as we made _mofongo_. I think of singing _Pan de Vida_ at my neighborhood church and a hundred voices pulsing alongside my heart beat. I think of everyone I ever loved and everyone who ever loved me.”

Irene looked up at the wide, open sky. “I am more than my tragedy.”

One of Ash’s clearest childhood memories was breaking his favorite bowl. He had cried for hours until Griff super glued the pieces back together and told him: “ _It’ll never be the same, but it’s still a good bowl. You can still keep it.”_

There was worth in the broken. Ash had forgotten until now.

They reached the end of the walkway and stood at the top of Bethesda Terrace overlooking the famed Bethesda Fountain. An Angel stood on top of the fountain: lily in one hand and the other reaching out to bless the water around her.

_Now there is at_ _Jerusalem_ _by the sheep market a pool, which is called..._ _Bethesda_ _... whoever then first after the troubling of the waters stepped in was made whole of whatsoever disease he had._

Irene turned to him. “What was most important in your life, Ash?”

Violence, goodbyes and clinically-applied numbness built the majority of his life, but that wasn’t what he focused on. Instead he thought of slices of borrowed time—sparkling like light clinging to sea foam at sunset.

_Laughing, two beers next to each other and late night conversation. A warm embrace that could stop his trembling. A promise that tasted like freedom._

“My reply’s the same as yours,” Ash said. “It was all about these little moments.”

A pigeon landed on the fountain angel’s wing.

“You’ve changed,” Irene said. “You look like the same Ash I met when we were 14, but your eyes are softer. Did you meet someone special?”

Ash looked away. “Yeah, you could say that.”

“Hmmmm,” she hummed thoughtfully. “Do you want to see that person?”

“More than anything, but that’s not possible anymore.” A distant airplane flew by.

“You would be surprised: Death might help if you ask. I visited my sister and parents a few times and—”

“I don’t deserve to see him.” The plane disappeared on the horizon.

Irene tapped her fingers along the terrace railing. “No matter what I say you’re not going to change your mind, so I won’t argue with you. But I will say this: Whether you think you deserve to see him or not is irrelevant. If you both miss each other that’s what counts.”  

Ash didn’t respond.   

She sighed and shook her head. “If you were teleported into a young adult novel, you would be the antsy, brooding bad-boy. I can’t believe I used to have the biggest crush on you. Past me had awful taste in men.”  

“Wait, what did you just say?” Ash said, blinking rapidly.

“Things worked out for the best. You would have been a crap boyfriend anyways.”

He snorted. “What makes you say that?”

“I can tell: You probably made your special person worry and cry all the time. Staying up all night fretting over you? Nope, I’ll leave my tears at the door, thanks.” 

Ash laughed so hard people stared. “What’s gotten into you? I don’t remember you being so blunt.”

“Dying helps with that. It sort of makes you stop giving a shit.”

“Ha, makes sense,” Ash said, watching children splash each other at the fountain. “And…for the record, I used to have the biggest crush on you too,” he murmured. 

Irene smiled but said nothing.  

The day warmed as the sun climbed higher in the sky. The trees were a sea of dark green. To move meant to swim through humidity. Summer was already in full swing.

“Irene,” a harsh voice disturbed the peace. “What the hell is this _midget_ doing here?” Tricycle Hulk was back.

Ash tilted his head. “And what the hell are you doing out of the circus?”

Irene put a hand on Tricycle Hulk’s shoulder quickly. “ _Tranquilo_ , Babe, he’s just an old friend. You got nothing to worry about anyways. You’re 200 times prettier than he is.”

Ash had half a mind to be insulted, but let it go. It was a novelty being called ugly for once.

“Besides,” Irene said, “we need to get ready, remember? My sister’s graduating with her doctorate today, and it’s going to take a while to find my parents in the crowd.”

“Oh, right! Let’s go.” Tricycle Hulk picked Irene up like a toddler and put her sitting on his shoulders. “I got doughnuts if you get hungry on the ride over. They’re the baked blueberry kind from that one shop you like.” He handed Irene a box from his tricycle basket.

She hunched over to kiss his cheek. “You’re the best, Babe.”

Tricycle Hulk glowed under the praise like a big puppy before scowling at Ash and pedaling his bike into the air.

Irene winked as she and Tricycle Hulk floated away like a hot air balloon. “You aren’t the only one who found someone special, Ash!”

* * *

  _An angel, vampire and a werewolf walk into a Chinese restaurant…_ Ash wished this was the beginning of a shitty joke, but instead it was his shitty reality. Said werewolf was clever enough to scram when asked, but the vampire couldn’t take a hint.

He leered at Ash. “Hey Angel, don’t tell me a hot, young thing like yourself is _alone_ tonight.”  

“Get lost, Leech,” Ash said, adjusting his wings. Why were they so _itchy_? As soon as Ash entered the restaurant, he sprouted wings, and his clothes morphed into loose robes. He looked about 15 years old too, so of course the creeps flocked to him.

The vampire wasn’t dissuaded. “I could get lost in those heavenly eyes. Wanna see what else I’m good at sucking besides blood?”

“Oh yeah,” Ash said with his voice dripping in honey. He leaned in so close their noses almost touched. His voice dipped low. “Wanna see a stake through your dick?”

Protecting his crotch, the vampire scampered off.

“Jeez, looks like someone’s popular as ever,” Shorter said, approaching the table with jellyfish soup on a tray.

Ash pointed an accusatory finger. “You! This is all your fault. Make my clothes change, get rid of the wings, _something_.”

Shorter held up a hand in defense. “Hey man, don’t look at me. A lot of freaky shit happens in the Afterlife. A lot of it is unconscious too. Not my fault. Besides, you look great!” He put the soup on the table. “Can I get you anything else?”  

Ash let his head hit the table with a soft thud and waved off Shorter. “Don’t worry about me so much. You guys are busy right now.”

Ash sat at a table in Chang Dai—the Afterlife’s version of the restaurant Shorter and his family ran in the Living World. After dying, Shorter worked here with his parents while Nadia still ran the Chang Dai in the Living World.

It was currently peak hours, and a mixed bag of supernatural creatures packed the restaurant.

Tinkling their glasses together, a table of goblins sang around a plate of dumplings at least 7 feet tall. A creature wearing an expressionless white mask gobbled a feast laid out by his froggy henchmen. Little ghost girls bounced on a pork bun as big as a bed.

A woman from the kitchen yelled something in Mandarin. Shorter yelled back in Mandarin while blushing furiously. He ran off. “Well, gotta go, wait a while, and I’ll bring you something tasty on the house.”

Ash shouted back. “If you cooked it, I don’t want it.”

Several customers who seemed like regulars called out to Shorter as he walked past, and though he was busy he would always grin and greet them. Ash couldn’t help but feel relieved. Shorter hadn’t changed at all.

Eventually, customers trickled out of Chang Dai till Shorter and Ash were the only ones left. As Shorter finished wiping tables he said, “How was the grub? My cooking’s improved, right?”

When he was alive Shorter had cooked everything unevenly and had used _way_ too much salt. Now though, Shorter’s cooking had mellowed out. The shrimp lo mein actually wasn’t too bad, but Ash wasn’t about to admit it. “You’re a great cook—for the chickens out back.”

“Yep, same Ash,” Shorter said, putting his cleaning supplies away. “Now you only need to call me ‘Baldie’ or ‘Melonhead,’ and all will be right with the world.”

Just to spite him, Ash complimented his mohawk.

They sat together and listened to the humming florescent light tubes for a while. A fly buzzed next to one of the lights.

“You know,” Shorter suddenly said, “In school we all had to read this passage from a book called _The Things They Carried._ I don’t remember a whole lot of it, but bits and pieces stick out. It was about soldiers carrying all sorts of stuff: Guns and gum; comic books and bibles; grenades and good luck charms…”

Shorter rubbed his eyes and whispered, “But more than the physical things they carried, they carried the weight of their memories, their fears and their pain.”

Taking off his sunglasses, Shorter revealed tears streaming down his face. “You set me free when you shot that bullet, but asking you to do that was too cruel. You’ve always carried more than anyone else. I shouldn’t have made you carry me too.”

Ash balled his hand into a fist. Shorter did nothing wrong. _Ash_ should have been the one repenting. _He_ should have been smarter, fought harder. _He_ should have thought of another way. _He_ should have…

Even though Ash’s first instinct was to yell all of that out loud, it wasn’t the right thing to do. Apologizing and unleashing his guilt would be more for his sake than for Shorter’s. No, that wasn’t what Shorter needed.

Clenching his teeth, Ash grabbed Shorter’s wrist and dragged him outside. Ash flapped his wings and lifted off the ground. His movements were shaky, but it would have to do. He shoved his arms underneath Shorter’s armpits.

“Wait, Ash, what are you doiiinnnggg?!” Shorter screeched as they launched into the air. He squirmed and kicked. “Let me gooooo, I’m terrified of heiiiggghhhtttsss.”

“Stop struggling or I really will let you go! You’re already dead, what are you so worried about?” Ash yelled.

“You can still feel pain in the Afterlife, and it’s gonna be _hella_ painful if you drop me,” Shorter said, trembling. At least he wasn’t struggling anymore.

They flew high enough to feel a sharp drop in temperature but low enough to still recognize the cramped, colorful buildings of Chinatown.

Ash glided with his body parallel from the ground, and in his arms Shorter hung down limply. Shorter was heavy but manageable.

“So besides torturing me, why the night flight?” Shorter said. “Is it revenge? Are you still mad about the angel thing? I swear I’m not making you look like that on purpose. In the Afterlife your looks change when you enter someone else’s territory. It’s influenced by your relationship with that person. But maybe if you—”

“You’re a fat-ass, Shorter.” Ash said, interrupting him.

“Wait, what—?”

“You’re heavier than a bag of bricks.”

“Yeah, okay, why—”

“But that doesn’t mean I’m too delicate to carry you!”

Ash felt Shorter’s eyes boring into him from below, but Ash stubbornly continued looking ahead.

Tightening his grip, Ash said, “Don’t underestimate me. No matter what happened in the past and no matter what happens in the future, I’ll always be strong enough to carry you.”

And as soon as Ash said it, he was shocked to realize it was true. Shorter’s death had destroyed something in Ash. He used to only kill when he had to, but after killing Shorter Ash killed until he didn’t recognize himself anymore.

He had desperately hoped if he bloodied his hands enough, Eiji wouldn’t have to. He had desperately hoped if he broke himself into enough pieces, Eiji could remain whole. And most of all, he had desperately hoped if he fought hard enough, he wouldn’t have time to think about how damaged he was.  

Ash had always felt like his body was too small and too weak to carry the weight of his past like he was tasked to carry the ocean when really he could only try not to drown. Shorter’s death dumped fuel onto those feelings. But if Ash couldn’t carry that weight, the people he loved suffered, and he couldn’t let that happen anymore.   

“You know,” Shorter suddenly said, “When I first met you in juvie you reminded me of that angel in Nadia’s Christmas card mainly because of your looks, but it’s more than that now. You make fun of me all the time, and you don’t like to show you care, but you always watch over me and everyone else you care about so carefully—like a real guardian angel…Thanks for being my angel, Ash.”

Silence.

“Oh look,” Ash said lightly. “My hold is slipping. Maybe I will drop you.”

“Oh my god, I take it back,” Shorter said. “You’re not an angel. You’re a demon, a demon I tell you! Let me down! Let me down! Let me down!”

Despite Ash’s threats, he brought Shorter safely back to the ground with no issues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter’s Mandarin Conversation:  
> Shorter’s Mom in the Kitchen: “Stop flirting with your girlfriend and get back to work!”  
> Shorter: “He’s not my girlfriend, Ma!” *blushes furiously 
> 
> Wanted: Beta (Fish) Reader  
> Do you have experience swimming through the turbulent seas of editing and fanfic beta reading? Do you want to be among the first to gobble up this story? Do you love metaphors as flowy and iridescent as betta fish fins? Then please for the love of all that is good and Banana Fish message me. 
> 
> Not gonna lie fam, this is the first fanfic I ever wrote (after reading fanfic for like a decade), so a Beta would be aammaazziinngg. Because I love Banana Fish too damn much not to try my absolute best. 
> 
> References in this Chapter (For geeks and nerds who love to learn)  
> 1.) Ash’s Asura dream is based off of this [ Buddhist story about an anger eating Asura ](http://americanbuddhistjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/anger-eating-demon-buddhist-story.html)  
> 2.) “What’s a [hootenanny?”](https://grammarist.com/interesting-words/hootenanny/)  
> 3.) Learn more about the ‘looking-glass self’ [here](https://lesley.edu/article/perception-is-reality-the-looking-glass-self)  
> 4.) Death’s line about never escaping your heart is slightly modified from [The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho](https://www.amazon.com/Alchemist-Paulo-Coelho/dp/0061122416). It’s one of those books that casually changes your life forever.  
> 5.) Skip’s Fish Market is based off of the very real Pike Place Fish Market in Seattle. Skip’s amusement park is also based on a real place (that I reeeaaalllyyy want to go to) [City Museum in St. Louis, Missouri](https://www.tripadvisor.com/Attraction_Review-g44881-d107810-Reviews-City_Museum-Saint_Louis_Missouri.html)  
> 6.) Bethesda Fountain is also a [real place](https://www.centralpark.com/things-to-do/attractions/bethesda-fountain/) you can visit in Central Park.  
> 7.) Anyone catch the Spirited Away reference? ;)  
> 8.) [The Things They Carried by Tim O'brien](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Things_They_Carried) is a Vietnam War novel which ties in real well with the original time frame of the Banana Fish manga. It’s too bad The Things They Carried (published in 1990) was slightly too modern for Banana Fish to allude to; it would have made a great episode title for the anime!
> 
> Look forward to more book/media/real life references in future chapters. : )


	2. Worthy of Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Good gosh, thank you for all the kudos and comments. Y’all are the best! *Blushes furiously and runs away. 
> 
> This chapter’s theme/mood song is “Brick by Boring Brick” by Paramore. 
> 
> If you want some nice reading music, piano instrumental (no vocals) of “Brick by Boring Brick” [go here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u-KcPPwJLoc) Instrumental by Sam Yung. 
> 
> “Brick by Boring Brick” lyrics [here.](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/paramore/brickbyboringbrick.html) “It's all about the exposure the lens I told her. The angles are all wrong now.  
> She's ripping wings off of butterflies.”
> 
> Enjoy!

Along the beach at Cape Cod, paper seagulls glided in the wind and landed in the sand to peck at scraps.

Ash lunged for a paper seagull but didn’t get far. He rolled hard. Coarse sand slipped into body openings sand wasn’t supposed go into. He pouted. His reach was a lot less than normal, and his hands were even smaller. He must have been 5 to 6 years old now, but he wouldn’t let his body stop him.

He wanted to read what was written on those seagulls.

Nobody else was around the secluded beach, so Ash laughed as he dashed, tumbled and leapt to capture his prey. He was a kitten at play: chasing pigeons in his own backyard. He hadn’t been so carefree in a long time.

He crept up on a slower paper seagull bobbing at a particularly luscious piece of seaweed and snatched it up with a triumphant “Haha, got you!”

In his hands the paper seagull unfolded and became still—now a normal piece of paper.

As Ash read the writing on the paper, his eyes widened.

 _Dear Ash,_

_I hope you’re well. Has it gotten warmer in Cape Cod?_

_How’s school treating you? Remember, no more pranks on your teacher. She’s already on her last leg with you after you cemented her wig to the top of the school’s flag pole (How did you even get up there?) You’re an incredibly smart boy, Ash. I know you can do well in school if you put your mind to it._

_Over at my end of the globe, I’m doing well. Please don’t worry too much about me. Everyday life as a soldier isn’t too bad. More boring than anything. A lot of drills, marching, procedures and then more drills. But I did meet a new friend._

_His name’s Max Glenreed, and he’s the worse singer you’ll ever hear. He keeps singing:_

> _“Oh, my darlin,'_ _Oh, my darlin’,_ _Oh, my darlin’,_ _Clementine”_

_But he only sings those words. That’s it. He doesn’t know the rest of the lyrics! He’s silly, but he’s a good guy who treats everyone kindly no matter where they come from. I really hope you get to meet him one day._

_Oh no! I have to go! They’re going to be picking up the mail soon, but I’ll make sure to send photos with my next letter. Don’t forget I’m always thinking of you no matter how far apart we are._

_Love,_

_Griff_

It was the first letter Griff wrote to him, not a copy of it, but the actual letter. Ash knows this letter well. Recognizes the delicate cursive written carefully enough even a 5-year-old could read it. Knows the dusty scent of the paper created by a land unable to escape sand. Remembers the wrinkles at the bottom of the page created by little hands gripping it over and over again.

He hadn’t read the letter in years. When he returned to Cape Cod with everyone, he had simply shoved this letter and the rest of them in Max’s hands and told him to find what Banana Fish clues he could. Ash hadn’t wanted to deal with the emotions he would get rereading Griff’s letters, but it had been pointless anyways: he had already memorized them.

Reading the letter now didn’t hurt so much anymore. He rubbed the worn edge of the letter one more time, and let it go. It became alive again and flew out over the ocean.

Ash continued playing, catching the paper seagulls and releasing them again. They were all letters Griff sent him during the war.

Each letter was as kind as Ash remembered—asking about how Ash was doing and chatting casually about everyday life as a solider while keeping out the ugly parts.

Sometimes in his letters, Griff jotted down his favorite poems.

> _“Hope” is the thing with feathers -_
> 
> _That perches in the soul -_
> 
> _And sings the tune without the words -_
> 
> _And never stops - at all -_
> 
> _And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -_
> 
> _And sore must be the storm -_
> 
> _That could abash the little Bird_
> 
> _That kept so many warm -_
> 
> _I’ve heard it in the chillest land -_
> 
> _And on the strangest Sea -_
> 
> _Yet - never - in Extremity,_
> 
> _It asked a crumb - of me._
> 
> _-Emily Dickinson_

Ash held these particular letters with special care. As a child he had appreciated how pretty the poems sounded, even though they confused him. Eventually, like the rest of the letters, Ash freed these poems as well.

In the end, he read all the letters Griff had sent him, and let the last one go feeling a little empty like he had spent the entire day crying, and there was nothing left inside him.

The isolated, howling beach reminded Ash of how alone he was. 

Something brushed up against his arm. A seagull fluttered into his hand, nuzzled it and became a still letter in his grasp. He couldn’t stop shaking after he read the first few lines. It was a new letter from Griff: one he never read before. Maybe Griff never got the chance to send it or more likely—it was destroyed.

_Dear Ash,_

_As always, I hope you’re well. I got the care package with the last letter! It was exactly what I needed. Please tell Dad and Jennifer I appreciate the cookies. (Though Dad would refuse to admit it, I know he helped make them). I shared the cookies with Max, and he thought they were delicious too._

_I especially liked the good luck charm you made me, thank you. Did you make it in class? I can tell you worked hard on it. Everyone, even Dad, always says you’re nothing but a troublemaker, but don’t listen to them. You got the biggest heart of anyone I know. Trust me; your big brother knows you best._

_I’ll be using your good luck charm right away. I don’t want to worry you, but one of the doctors is acting strangely. Something tells me I should keep my nose out of it, but if there’s even the smallest chance what he’s doing could make the world less safe for you I have to act._

_It’s probably nothing, but if I don’t write back for a while I’m most likely busy investigating._

_No matter what happens, Ash, I’ll never forget you._

_Love,_

_Griff_

After Ash finished the letter, he read it again and again. His throat dried while his eyes ran hot. He gripped the letter so hard he was about to rip it. “Griff…” he whispered.

“Hey Ash, do you want to come sit with me? I have some new poetry books I’ll like to show you.”

Ash’s arms fell to his side. His grip loosened, and the letter flew away. Griff was right there sitting on a blanket in the sand surrounded by books and pens. He patted the place next to him.

This wasn’t the Griff Ash had found lying in a pool of his own waste at the hospital: the Griff who had been trapped in a wheelchair for years, who had stared blankly at nothing when he was awake and who had screamed from endless nightmares when he was asleep.

This was the Griff Ash treasured in the glass castle of his memories: the big brother who had treated him to ice cream after baseball practice, who had always forgave him for his pranks and who had cared for him when nobody else did.

Slowly, he sat next to Griff and resisted the urge to touch him to make sure he was really there. Instead Ash said, “What did you want to show me?”

Griff flipped through one of his books. “I’ve recently been exploring new forms of poetry, and Japanese poems called haikus caught my eye. They’re short, but they’re full of meaning. Here’s one of my favorites.”

Bringing the book to Ash’s hands, Griff pointed at a particular haiku.

> _From time to time_  
>  _The clouds give rest_  
>  _To the moon beholders._
> 
> _-Matsuo Bashō_

Ash reread it a few times. He didn’t get it, but as always he appreciated Griff sharing with him nonetheless. “It’s…pretty,” Ash said intelligently. 

Griff chuckled. “It’s okay to not understand it right away. That’s how poetry works after all. Anyways, you don’t happen to know Japanese, do you? A lot of a haiku’s meaning is lost in translation, and I wanted to learn what I was missing.”  

Turning away, Ash said, “I know a little Japanese but not enough to translate. I wish my friend was here; he would be a lot more helpful.”

Griff smiled his slow smile at Ash, the one he used to tell Ash he knew something was on his mind but would wait until Ash wanted to talk about it. Verbally, Griff said, “Would you like to write some haikus with me?”

Ash nodded. He never had the time to do things like write poetry before, but he was willing to try for his brother. Griff explained the basic structure of haikus and handed Ash some supplies: a modern haiku book as reference as well as a notebook and pen to write with.

It was difficult for Ash writing with such small, clumsy hands. Each word scribbled was another hard battle won. Luckily, Ash had always been a fighter.

The two brothers didn’t talk for a long time. Only the harsh cry of seagulls and comforting white noise of waves could be heard, but Ash didn’t mind.

At the end of a long day, when Ash had been too worn out to cause any more mischief, the two of them would sit together in silence like this. Griff would read or write, and Ash would draw or play with his toys. They wouldn’t talk, but they would share space: It was one of the things he missed most about his brother.

After a while Griff said, “We should share what we wrote.”

“Alright, mine’s gonna be terrible though,” Ash said.

“Don’t worry too much about that—poetry’s more about the feeling, you know? I’ll go first.” Griff read his haiku out loud.

> _A rusted old gun_
> 
> _Lays next to daisies that are_
> 
> _Ready to blossom_

Ash’s expression softened in a way he rarely allowed it to in life. “It’s something you would write—so calm and peaceful. Try not to laugh too much at mine, okay?”

> _A bird soars_
> 
> _Past the waning harvest moon—_
> 
> _A cat watches from Earth_

“Wow, beautiful,” Griff said. “It gives me the feeling of a tragic love story.”

Ash ignored the heat on his face and waved his hand. “You’re looking too much into it.”

“Haha, maybe.” Griff leaned back on his arms, closed his eyes and breathed deeply as if to merge his being into the moment. He slowly opened his eyes. “I missed doing this with you, sharing space and existing. I’m sorry it couldn’t happen for such a long time.”

The waves roared a little louder and crept closer to the blanket: High tide rolled in. As a child, Ash was warned about how powerful high tide waves could be and how shore breaks at this time could fracture his bones.   

Ash wrapped his arms around his knees and tucked his face in them. “You know, after you left for the war, everything went wrong. It was like you took my peaceful days with you, and I couldn’t help but hate you a little.

“But when I found you lying in that hospital bed, all the hate vanished. I only wanted to protect you the way you protected me when I was young—wanted it so badly I did things you would be ashamed of. In a twisted way, a small part of me was glad you couldn’t remember me, so you couldn’t see what I had become.”

Ash’s voice became a quivering fox hiding from snow. “But in the end, it was all useless. I couldn’t protect you.”

“Is it okay if I touch you?” Griff said quietly.

“If it’s you, you never have to ask.”

Griff wrapped his arms around Ash and ruffled his hair. “You’ve grown a lot, haven’t you?” Slowly, Ash returned the hug.

In childhood, Griff had dwarfed Ash, but they were the same size now. When Ash wasn’t looking, he had become 18 years old again. Far too quickly, Ash had left the sweetness of boyhood behind.

“No matter what, I’ll always be proud of you,” Griff whispered. Even over the rumbling ocean and the weeping wind, Griff’s quiet voice was the loudest. “The weight of your suffering would crush most other people, but instead of crying for help you only ever cried for ‘more weight.’ You’re the strongest person I know, 100, no, 300 times stronger than I am.”

Griff withdrew from the hug. “When I was in Iraq I met a little girl who was the same age as you. She always wore Daisy Duck shoes and was always so happy whenever we saw one another. Sometimes I would give her chocolate, and she would give me a little bracelet or drawing she made in return.

“One day during a bad shoot out, I took cover in a ransacked house. In a pile of glass and blood I found a little Daisy Duck shoe covered in dust. Later I learned spies had seen her with me. Her father was murdered while she and her mother were sold as sex slaves for ‘cooperating with the enemy.’”

Griff clenched a handful of sand. “After that I was never the same again. I did all types of crazy drugs and prayed to forget it all because I was so _weak_. But then I got tangled in Banana Fish, and I got my wish…Really, if anyone has anything to be ashamed of, it’s me.”

The Griff from Ash’s childhood was always strong and smiling. Ash had never seen him so vulnerable before. _Please don’t be so sad. I could never be ashamed of you._

“Do you remember the bowl you super glued back together for me as a kid?” Ash said. “It’s still in my room at the house. Even after all this time, I never threw it away. After all, you were the one who taught me broken things are still worth keeping.”

Griff smiled ruefully. “I’m lame, aren’t I? My little brother is so much more put together than I am, but…that makes me even more proud of you.”

The seagulls flew over the water chatting to their companions.

“You know,” Griff said, “even after I got injected with Banana Fish and everything became this nightmarish haze, I sometimes had these moments of intense clarity. I couldn’t move or control my body, but I was _present_.

“I saw you next to me with your head in my lap and though you didn’t do it out loud, I knew you were crying. I always thought to myself: Whose sad voice is this? I can’t remember, but I know this voice, and I wish I could hear it laughing again.

“Even after Banana Fish, I never forgot you, Ash. Even after my memories faded, my feelings still remained. When you love someone, those feelings never really go away.”

Part of Ash had been buried in a small, dark box for a long, long time. Gentle hands now unearthed the box and opened the lid. The light of day hurt but devastated him with its beauty.

On the beach, waves withdrew revealing little treasures left behind in the sand: sparkling sea glass, driftwood finally returning to land and shells waiting to become houses.

Griff continued. “I only wish I could have been there for you. I’m sorry I left you alone all this time.”  

“It’s okay, Griff,” Ash said. “I was lonely for a while, but later I had a lot of people supporting me. And I met someone who…” He suddenly became enthralled with playing with the sand next to the blanket.

Ash cupped a handful of sand, and let it trickle out between his fingers. “If there was someone I wanted to see…should I go to him even though I’ve hurt him and might only hurt him again in the future?”

“Does this person want to see you?”

“I think so, but…” Ash clenched the side of his stomach as if feeling an old wound. “I can only attract trouble and pain to him. It’s better if we don’t meet again.”

“Did you ever ask this person what he wanted?”

“No, but—”

“Then aren’t you forcing what you think is best for him without letting him have a say? You’ve always hated people taking away your freedom, but now you’re doing the same to him.”

Ash froze, fell to the ground and curled into a ball.

Griff shook Ash’s shoulder. “Are you okay? What happened?”

“It okay, I’m fine,” Ash said in a muffled voice. “I’m…you don’t pull your punches do you?” 

“I’m a proponent of tough love as needed.” Griff ruffled Ash’s hair and rubbed his back. “Think of it like poetry, don’t worry too much, and go with your feelings.”

Ash silently welcomed the familiar affection like a cat basking under loving pats and behind-the-ear scratches. He eventually curled out of his ball, sat up and tossed sand into the water. “I’ll think about what you said.”

“Don’t think about it too long. He might be an old man by the time you visit him.”

“That guy? I doubt it. I call him an old geezer all the time, but I bet he’ll stay young forever.”

“Just be careful, okay? Time is merciless.” Griff handed Ash a book: _Feeding the Whole Family_. “Speaking of which, do you have the time to do me a favor? Dad asked me to borrow this book.  Can you take it to him? He should be at the diner like usual.”

“Dad’s here? That means he…”

“He’s been in the Afterlife for a while. He can tell you more about it when you meet.” 

* * *

A familiar wave of anxiety churned Ash’s stomach as he approached the diner. Maybe he could leave the book at the door and go?

“You’re here too early,” a familiar warm voice said. Jennifer leaned against a broom on the diner patio.

“I always knew I wouldn’t live a very long life,” Ash said. “Rather than me, you shouldn’t be here at all. I’m—”

Jennifer shoved a cookie in his mouth. “How is it?”

Ash chewed and swallowed. “Good.”

Jennifer smiled. “Cooking can be unpredictable, you know? You have one idea in mind, but than it turns out completely different from what you expected. You have to deal with it the best you can. I’ve cooked all my life, so I know how to deal with surprises.”

“You were always a better person than most of us.”

Jennifer laughed. “Not really, I’m just me. Come inside, and I’ll cook something for you.”

“No…it’s okay. I’m mainly here for an errand.” Ash tried to give the book to Jennifer. “Can you give this to Dad for me? Tell him it was the book he wanted from Griff.”

“Hmmm, actually, Jim’s inside the diner now revising the menu. You can give him the book yourself, and while you’re at it, maybe you can help him with the menu?”

Ash always had a hard time saying no to Jennifer. She was too nice. “Alright…” He nodded to her and went inside the diner.    

As expected for this time of day, the diner had no customers. The dishes washed themselves in the sink. And there was Jim at the countertop nursing a Guinness. When he saw Ash, his eyes widened, but then narrowed. “I thought I told you not to die, stupid Son.”

Ash smirked. “And I thought I told you the same, stupid Dad.”

“Well, since you’re here, sit and have a drink.” Jim poured Ash a glass of Guinness and pushed a plate of brownies toward him.

Jim sipped his drink. “So, how you kick the bucket? Those goons that got Griff didn’t get you too, did they?”

Ash shook his head chewing on a brownie. “Nothing like that. All those bastards that hurt Griff are as dead as we are. I got stabbed in the gut later on. Nothing I didn’t have coming.”

“Yeah, I don’t doubt that.”

“How about you, old man? A bullet from some cronies enough to finish you off?” Ash’s grip tightened around his glass.  

“No, I bounced back from that fine. My liver conked out later.” He raised his glass. “Nothing I didn’t have coming.”

Ash’s grip relaxed. He tried to hide it with a smirk. “Yeah, I don’t doubt that.” He clinked his glass against Jim’s, and they drank together.  

“It was pretty good timing,” Jim said. “Had plenty of time to take care of unfinished business but croaked before I got too old. Win-win.”   

“You look plenty old to me, but I guess it could be worse.” Ash finished his brownie, wiped his hands on his jeans and handed _Feeding the Whole Family_ to Jim. “Here’s the book you asked Griff for.”

Jim’s brow wrinkled. “I didn’t ask for…” His brow smoothed out as if suddenly cracking a riddle. He took the book. “I didn’t ask for this book so soon. Griff’s overdoing things like usual. It’s what gets him in trouble.”

“Better than not giving a shit like you.” Ash took a swig of his drink; the alcohol burned his throat.

Jim clenched his jaw. He tensed like he was ready to storm out but didn’t move. One of the self-washing plates hit the ground shattering.

This wasn’t what Griff would have wanted. Hell, Ash didn’t want this: He didn’t want to hide behind a barbed mouth anymore.

Ash leaned his arm on the counter and gripped his hair. “That wasn’t what I meant. I’m just bitter. I know you give a shit.”

A broom and dustpan flew across the room and swept the broken glass.

Burying his face in his arm, Ash said, “What you told me when I was 7, ‘make sure they pay you,’ was the best advice I ever got. It kept me alive when that bastard started raping me and kept me going ever since.

“As I got older, ‘make sure they pay you,’ wasn’t only about money. To me that phrase meant to use the people who tried to use me, to make them “pay” for what they did. It’s the advice I lived by.”

Jim finished off his drink and set the empty glass on the counter with a low thud. “Your mother used to be a prostitute. Her clients often didn’t pay and left her beaten and bruised. When she was pregnant with you, she always said, ‘I hope his life’s nothing like mine.’”

“You…you never told me that before.”

“When we were alive, there was a lot I never said to you that I should have. There was a lot I never did that I should have.”

Ash’s first instinct was to spit back poison. _No point in guilt-tripping about being a shitty dad now._ But he resisted. Scowling, he said quietly, “You did enough.”  

“It doesn’t matter. I still ended up with both my sons dead before me.”

The hum of the whirling fan. The dishes finished drying and put themselves back in cabinets.

Ash finished his drink and stood. “Well, I better go. Oh, I almost forgot, Jennifer said you were revising the menu and needed help.”

Jim’s brow wrinkled again. “I’m not…” He sighed, defeated. “Bunch of busy-bodies,” he murmured. Jim cleared this throat. “I’m not so desperate I need a troublemaker like you doing my job, but what do you have to say about the menu?”

“Ask your customers what food they miss from life. People come to a diner for comfort food, so you should give them comfort.”

Stroking his chin, Jim said, “I’m impressed, it’s not a bad idea.”

Ash grabbed a brownie. “And sell your brownies. They’ll be a hit.”

“They’re not mine. Jennifer made them this morning.”

“Really? They’re more aggressive than Jennifer’s usual cooking.”

“You’ll be surprised. Jennifer can be aggressive when she wants.”

Ash grinned. “They’re spiked with a ton of Guinness. Jennifer sticks with wine in her cooking.”

Jim gazed out at the ocean through the window. “People change, you know.”

Ash opened the front door. “Yeah, they do.” He hesitated, gave a short wave of his hand without turning back and closed the door behind him.

Jennifer was still outside sweeping when Ash left the diner. “Bye, Ash, you’re welcome here anytime! Don’t wait years to come visit us again, alright?” she said, waving.

Ash’s brow crinkled. “What do you mean? It hasn’t been as long this time around.”

“You…you don’t know how long it’s been?”

Passing remarks suddenly made sense. Irene’s sister graduated high school not too long ago but was now getting her Ph.D. Griff’s comments about Eiji becoming an old man. “ _You slept for such a long time_ ,” Death had told Ash.

Ash’s stomach churned again for different reasons. “In the Living World, how much time has passed since I died?”  

Jennifer smiled like she often would when he was young—like she was heart-broken for him. “Oh, Ash…you’ve been dead for 7 years.”

* * *

Swaying in the wind, Death stood on a swing at a children’s playground. He wore a new appearance—a lanky man in a cotton candy pink hoodie—but his powerful presence remained the same.

Ash had debated for a long time about what to do next, yet his feet inevitably lead him here.

7 years was much too long. He needed to go to the Living World. He needed to learn what had happened since his death. More than anything, he needed to see Eiji again.

Even if Ash didn’t deserve to meet Eiji again and even if he was being selfish, Ash needed to make sure Eiji was okay. Eiji was definitely still alive, Ash could sense that much, but even if it was only one more time, he needed to see Eiji smile. Needed it like flowers needed sunlight.

And maybe, just maybe, Eiji needed Ash too.

Yes, what Ash needed to do was clear, but he had no way to get to the Living World. Even if he asked Death, Death had no reason to help him. There had to be something Ash could use as leverage.

“Aslan, do you want to learn something fascinating?” Death said as a greeting.

Ash remembered their weird hootenanny talk. “No, not—”

“Did you know albatrosses mate for life?” Death said as if he was an excited kids’ show announcer. “It takes years of song and dance for them to choose the right partner, but once they do they always return to them even if they’re apart for a long time.”

“You learn that on the back of a Snapple cap, Professor?”

“No, I learned it in school yesterday.”

“You…you go to school?” When Ash was a kid, he hated school: It had all felt boring and pointless. But later on, amidst all the prostitution and violence, school became a distant dream only normal people could indulge in. The fact the personification of Death did something as mundane as _go to school_ was almost absurd.

“Yes,” Death said, beaming. “We received our grades recently, and I made the Dean’s List again!”

“Congrats, you get a gold star for effort.” 

“Really?!” Death stuck out his hand. “Can you put it on now?”

Ash snorted. “Maybe more than a professor, you’re a kindergartener.”

Death pouted. “Don’t say you’re giving me a sticker when you don’t have one.” He grinned. “But, I’m delighted you came to visit me. I’m quite fond of you, you know. You didn’t fear me or push me away like most do when I came for you. Neither did you long for me like some do. You accepted me like an old friend.” Death put a hand to his heart. “It’s…It’s a warm feeling.” 

Ash could use these feelings. Use them as he always did. _Your mother used to be a prostitute._ The small, weary part of his soul wondered if being a whore was something he could never escape from since the beginning. But it didn’t matter: He would use whatever he could to see Eiji again.

Grabbing Death’s hoodie, Ash pulled him off the swing. He threw an arm around Death’s shoulder and leaned in close to his ear. In a husky voice he said, “If you like me so much…Why don’t we get to know each other better?” Ash’s fingers stroked down Death’s chest: Their final destination obvious. 

Death snatched Ash’s hand away before it could wander far. “Such cheap forms of deception won’t work on the boy you love, and they surely won’t work on me.”

Transforming into Eiji, Death pulled Ash’s hair till their mouths were centimeters apart. This time Death even got the warm scent right. He whispered against Ash’s lips in Eiji’s sweet voice. “Or maybe deep down in your soul, you wish you could entice me. Draw me in, and never let me leave you. Do you want me? Do you ache for me? Do you lust after everything I am?”

Sweating and trembling, Ash pushed Death away.

Ash’s hands hung in the air as if his mind was still processing what had just happened. With eyes wide and mouth agape Ash had the horrified face of a man who had just read the unholy secrets of the universe.  

Death reverted back into his previous appearance. “My apologies for exploiting that form again though you asked me not to, but I told you I appreciated your honesty, and you tried to trick me anyways, so we’ll call it even.” 

Adjusting the strings of his hoodie, Death said, “You didn’t need such cheap ploys with me to begin with. I know what you want and would have let you go, even if you would have asked me directly. You’ll only be able to return to the Living World as a ghost which will make interaction hard but not impossible. You also won’t be able to stay there forever, only while we’re debating your final placement, but you’ll have enough time. ”

Ash wiped the sweat off his face with his arm. “Why are you helping me?”

“Not everyone wants to use you. There are some who care about you and want nothing in return. But someone already taught you that lesson, right?”

* * *

In the Living World, night marched to its end. Since Ash could remember, he could always sense the approach of sunrise.

He floated in the living room of a cramped apartment in what looked like New York (Judging from the window view). This place didn’t belong to Eiji or anyone Ash knew, and he had definitely never been here before.

The peeling walls might have once been purple. Ceiling water _dripped dripped dripped_ into a rusty bucket. Rat nails _clicked clicked clicked_ on kitchen tile.

The couch was worn, but its bright yellow and orange flower print remained as peppy as a middle-aged cheerleading coach. A child’s crayon doodles hung proudly on the walls. At least 50-years-old and counting, a giant shelf housed a plethora of books ranging from _The French Lieutenant's Woman_ to _The Giving Tree_.

An ironed daycare apron, boldly proclaiming _Leah_ , hung next to the bookshelf.

Though a stranger lived here, Ash had the strong need to understand them.  

Ash’s ghost body went through everything in the Living World, but if he concentrated enough he could touch physical objects. He just had to be careful: It took a lot of energy. In a tall cupboard he found a row of medicine lined up like a small army ready to battle for health. All the little soldiers had different specialties: Iron deficiency, Insomnia, Herpes, Migraines, Hemorrhoids, Depression.

The living room desk had a drawer of receipts and bills which particularly captured Ash’s attention. If you wanted to know someone’s character, figure out what they spent their money on. Ash would know—it had always been the same type of person who would throw away thousands of dollars to fuck a child for a few hours.

The drawer housed lots of typical expenses but some caught his eye. Loads of receipts for the Zoo, Coney Island and museums on the weekends. A subscription to _Brides_ magazine. Invoices for bi-weekly counseling sessions.

This apartment gave an oddly hopeful aura, like new beginnings were possible, though Ash couldn’t pinpoint why.  

Ash wandered into a bedroom with an open door. There was a giant blanket burrito on the bed possibly with a human inside.

 _Beep! Beep!_ The shrill cry of a cell phone alarm. A hand shot out of the Blanket Burrito and silenced the alarm. Two minutes later the same thing happened again and again.

The fourth time the alarm wailed the hand hurled the cell phone against the wall. The cell phone hit the wall and the carpet with a few soft thuds but was otherwise find. There was padding against the particular area where the phone hit as if this happened often.

Blanket Burrito groaned. Ash related with the burrito. Mornings were a bitch.

Slowly peeling off its tortilla of blankets, the burrito sat up. A woman pushed back messy blond hair, and a familiar pair of jade-green eyes blinked awake.

Ash’s heart froze. “Mom? Is that you?”  

Though the woman gave no response as she padded over to the bathroom scratching her stomach, Ash already knew the answer.

She came out of the bathroom one shower later looking much more alive and went over to the kitchen to scramble enough eggs for 2 people. Then she put on reading glasses to squint at the ingredients list of ham before prepping sandwiches with the crust gingerly pulled off. As she packed a _Finding Nemo_ lunchbox, she quietly sang: 

> _If it's not real_  
>  _You can't hold it in your hand_  
>  _You can't feel it with your heart_  
>  _And I won't believe it_  
>  _But if it's true_  
>  _You can see it with your eyes_  
>  _Oh, even in the dark_  
>  _And that's where I want to be, yeah_

It was a melodious yet melancholic voice clinging to the misty margins of Ash’s memory. Perhaps she had sung to him in the womb or when he had been first born. But she hadn’t stayed for very long. Now, as she sang she walked through Ash again and again. 

As yellow yawned and stretched in the sky, the woman grabbed some books and went outside onto a tiny patio teeming with potted herbs and vegetables. Ash followed her.

She leaned against the patio railing, flipped through _Prince Caspian: The Return to Narnia_ and pulled out a wallet-sized photo sleeping between its pages. It was a familiar photo—Griff once excavated it out of a dusty drawer—A photo of newborn Ash.

Between the approaching morning light and the retreating night sky laid a spectrum of gray. The woman kissed the worn photo. “Good morning, Aslan. I hope you’ve slept a lot and your dreams were nightmare-free again.”

Ash snorted. “Are you talking to a different Aslan?”

“I wish you can always feel safe, warm and surrounded by people who love you.”

“What type of fantasies are you having?” Ash said—feeling like bitter cocoa powder dried his mouth.

“And more than anything, I hope you live a long, healthy life.”

Ash laughed. “If only you knew.”

His face fell when she continued talking.

“I have no right to be in your life, and I know I made the right choice leaving. I was so messed up back then: I couldn’t keep you safe.” Her voice broke. “But I still want to see you. I’ve always wanted to see you even if I could only hurt you.”

Ash’s eyes stung. “Shut up, I can’t believe you!” He shouted though nobody could hear him. “I don’t give a shit about any of that. I always hated you for leaving, always called you a bitch, but I—I always wanted to see you too!”

Quietly, Ash said, “Don’t assume you know what’s best for me. It doesn’t matter if you hurt me; I just wanted you to be by my side.”

_Aren’t you forcing what you think is best for him without letting him have a say?_

Ash froze. He had done the same thing to Eiji his mom did to him: assumed what was best without asking. Ash clutched his chest. Is this what Eiji had felt every time Ash had pushed him away? This hallow ache? But maybe it wasn’t too late to run to Eiji—to take his hand like Ash had wanted to at the hospital—like how it wasn’t too late for Ash to finally meet his mom.  

In his mom’s too-pretty face, in the dark shadows under her eyes and in the pale scars that hugged her body like a curse, Ash saw himself. He saw after-images of despair and a web of self-loathing, but he saw something else too: a chance to be different.

Soft light bathed her face as the sun rose into the sky. Never shrinking from the sun’s intensity, she said, “Please, Aslan, no matter where you are, be happy. I’ll try my best too, so when we meet again we can both be smiling.”   

Ash reached out his hand as if to grab the sun. “I used to believe everyone who cared about me would eventually abandon me. I believed I would fade out to them and become nothing, but I was wrong. I was being cherished and never knew.

“I won’t say sorry. I won’t say thank you. And I won’t say I love you. But I’m glad I was here today. I always wanted to meet you…Mom.”

Though it must have been chilly because it was early morning, Ash was warm.

A child dragging a blanket with him walked onto the patio rubbing his eyes. “Mommy, I’m hungry.”

“Oh, hey Honey,” she said. “Sorry I didn’t notice that you woke up. Breakfast’s already ready. I’ll go put it on the table for you.”   

The child touched the woman’s face. “Why are you crying, Mommy?”

With eyes of shimmering jade, she said, “Because the dawn’s shining so brightly today.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter: A wild Eiji appears! (I’m just as excited as y’all are). 
> 
> Chapter Notes:  
> *Y’all, our boy Ash just sat on the beach and wrote his soul mate a love poem. Just let that sink in for a sec. Are you grinning? Because I am. 
> 
> *I love the BF anime, and I enjoy the anime’s modern time frame, but a lot of important details of the original 1980s manga setting were lost. For example, with changing the Vietnam War to the Iraq War. The Vietnam War was the last war where American soldiers were drafted; many soldiers joined of their own free will of course, but many were forced. I’m 100% certain that Griff was drafted, though they don’t really talk about it in the manga. I mean why else would a sensitive, quiet poet sort of man like him ditch the young brother he raised and loved dearly to fight in a war he probably didn’t believe in? I adapted the anime’s modern time frame for this story, but in my mind this story’s Griff was still drafted though the draft ended decades ago in the United States. 
> 
> *Death tries very hard to understand humans, but still doesn’t get how a normal human speaks. I imagine that Death speaks in the native language of the human he’s speaking to, but no matter the language Death always sounds awkward, stilted and archaic. Just a few decades ago, Death finally mastered speaking in contractions. Poor thing, you get a galaxy of gold stars for trying, mate. 
> 
> References in this Chapter (For geeks and nerds who love to learn):  
> 1.) Emily Dickinson’s and Matsuo Bashō’s poems are already written in full in the story, so I won’t link to them here, but I will highly recommend that you check out more of their stuff. Masters of the craft indeed.  
> 2.) Ash cherishing Griff in the glass castle of his memories. “Glass castle” is a reference to [The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/7445.The_Glass_Castle). It’s an easy read and a beautiful memoir about overcoming adversity and a difficult childhood. I get the feeling Ash would have thought it was cheesy, but would have secretly related with it and liked it.  
> 3.) I was shocked to find that the 5-7-5 syllable haiku rule was a myth. Read more about why [here.](http://www.nahaiwrimo.com/home/why-no-5-7-5) In this story Griff still follows the rule since he seems like he would appreciate structure and conventions, but Ash being Ash is a haiku rebel. ;)  
> 4.) You can read more about high tide and shore breaks [here.](https://www.sunsurfrealty.com/post/all-you-need-to-know-about-the-tides-this-vacation/)  
> 5.) Griff talking about Ash always asking for “more weight.” Anyone know what American high school lit class [novel](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Crucible) that’s from? Wink. Wink.  
> 6.) Griff’s war story about his young friend is based off a real experience of a soldier and a fruit stand vendor. Read about it [here](https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-worst-thing-youve-ever-experienced-in-the-military?redirected_qid=12294486) in this very interesting quora thread. To find the specific experience referenced in this story you might have to scroll for a while, but all the experiences these veterans describe are definitely worth a read.  
> 7.) The book Griff wants Ash to give to their Dad is a [real cook book series](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/29092846-feeding-the-whole-family)  
> 8.) Albatross birds are fascinating! Read more about their love lives [here.](https://www.npr.org/sections/krulwich/2014/04/22/305582368/introducing-a-divorce-rate-for-birds-and-guess-which-bird-never-ever-divorces)  
> 9.) More about The Giving Tree [here. ](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/370493.The_Giving_Tree) More about The French Lieutenant’s Woman [here.](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/56034.The_French_Lieutenant_s_Woman)  
> 10.) Ash’s mom sings “Brick by Boring Brick” by Paramore our lovely theme song for this chapter.  
> 11.) Ash’s mom totally hid Ash’s photo in Prince Caspian because it’s one of the most boring books of The Chronicles of Narnia series, and she figured her kid would never open it on his own. And she was right… 
> 
> See you soon beautiful people!


	3. A Life's Worth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Important Notes: 
> 
> **This chapter helps to earn the “M” rating for this story. Sadly not for sexy times, but rather for the mature themes discussed (There will be a debrief at the end of the chapter).  
> **It’s also highly recommended you read the Banana Fish epilogue “Garden of Light” before you continue this story. This story will now tell GoL through Ash’s perspective and will quote heavily from it. 
> 
> This chapter’s theme/mood song is “Dark Paradise” by Lana Del Rey. 
> 
> If you want something to pull on your heartstrings while reading this chapter, this is a violin (no vocals) cover of [ “Dark Paradise” over here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAWaRO8y5t8). Instrumental by the insanely talented Sefa Emre İlikli. 
> 
> “Dark Paradise” lyrics [here.](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/lanadelrey/darkparadise.html)
> 
> “Every time I close my eyes  
> It's like a dark paradise  
> No one compares to you  
> But there's no you,  
> Except in my dreams tonight”

When Ash appeared inside the airy, clean apartment, he instantly knew this was Eiji’s home. Eiji’s presence lingered everywhere: in the framed photos marked by his signature compassion, in the lively plants nurtured by loving hands, and most of all, in that warm scent Ash longed to burrow into and never leave.

As Ash floated toward upstairs, the front door opened. His heart skipped a beat, but it wasn’t Eiji. Though he was much taller and older, Ash recognized Sing. _The little shrimp is at least 6 ft 3 now! How the hell he get so much taller than me? Whatever…at least he looks like he’s doing well._

The girl who trailed in after Sing reminded Ash of Ibé in her facial features, but her aura reminded Ash of Eiji from when they had first met at the pool hall: innocently curious and expressive, but also somber—shoulders weighed by an unspoken burden. Ash felt an odd kinship with her.

Sing abruptly leaned out the window. “Eiji!”  

Ash’s heart stopped. Was it really Eiji this time? Simultaneously, Ash longed to fly out the window to meet him and bolt to the opposite end of the world. Instead of either of those options, Ash didn’t move—the operators in his brain frantically dashed about while red lights flashed and blared. “ _Warning, warning, Eiji arrival imminent. Self-destruct sequence activated in 3…2…_ ”  

A turn of a door knob.

The man who strolled in wore glasses and had long hair wound tight in a ponytail. His face was sharp—the baby fat of youth long lost. The serenity of coming home after a long journey rested in his soft smile. And even after 7 years, his soulful doe eyes remained the same. 

A tempest stormed in Ash’s body; He couldn’t stop shaking. Eiji finally stood right there in front of him.  

Over the years, Eiji had changed so much. When he was 19, he was cute, beautiful in a mellow way and (though Ash would never admit it to Eiji’s face) _incredibly lovable_. But now Eiji was…he was… “so fucking gorgeous.” Ash quickly covered his mouth though nobody could hear him.

During life, Ash categorized men older than him in one of two categories: rapist swine or old geezers. Ash had never been attracted to older men before. But damn if Eiji wasn’t the exception in _everything_.

Eiji chatted in Japanese to Sing and the girl. By some divine miracle, Ash understood everything they were saying. Just how far did his ghost powers extend?

Unfortunately, at the moment he was so distracted by Eiji he didn’t make much use of his newfound language abilities. He only vaguely registered Eiji had an upcoming show at a fancy gallery. Was he a photographer now? It suited him. Ash had always appreciated Eiji’s photography (had always appreciated everything about him). 

“Oh!” the girl said, snapping Ash out of his thoughts. “I wanna go to the New York Public Library! With the statues of the lions! It was in Ghost-busters.”

Though it only lasted a second, Eiji’s face after she said that would forever be imprinted on Ash’s brain. Eiji wore the dazed expression of a prisoner who knew he would never go outside again. His shoulders slumped: A modern day Atlas forced to bare the brunt of the heavens against his body.

This atmosphere around Eiji felt _wrong_. He was a bird born to soar, but now someone had clipped his wings.

_The_ _New York_ _Public Library._

“Eiji, did I do this to you?” Ash whispered.

Eiji looked up as if hearing Ash say his name. They locked eyes. Ash reached out to touch Eiji, but Eiji only walked through him.

_You aren’t over it yet…huh?_

_And you? Are you over it yet, Sing? Are you?_

* * *

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Ash watched Eiji sleep—an old habit that always comforted him.

On long nights when Ash had been tired, but even more tired of the nightmares, he sought comfort in the steady rise and fall of Eiji’s chest and the gentle rhythm of his breathing.

Even as the world went to Hell, hope still lived if Eiji could still sleep peacefully.

Eiji slept quietly now, but how about the many other nights since Ash’s death? Did Eiji often wear the haunted expression from earlier?

He didn’t belong in that darkness.

Ash floated above Eiji; their faces inches apart. It was hard to notice, but soft wrinkles creased Eiji’s forehead, and pale shadows clung to his eyes.

“I’m the one who did this to you, aren’t I?” Ash said. “You don’t deserve this. I’ll…I’ll do anything to make things right again.” 

Ash blinked.

Suddenly, he wasn’t in Eiji’s bedroom anymore. He stood outside in the middle of a windy, secluded field. Golden wheat surrounded him everywhere.   

And there, in front of the sun, stood Eiji. Not present day Eiji, but instead the Eiji from Ash’s memories—19 years old and still radiating innocence.

“Ash,” Eiji shouted, smiling.

For several seconds, Ash could only stare—dumbstruck. Eiji’s smile eclipsed the sun behind him.

Ash had dreamt of going to the middle of nowhere like this with Eiji. A place where nobody could touch them. No drug wars. No gang violence. No elaborate schemes. Just the two of them in a place where they could simply exist together, a place where there was nothing but the two of them. 

But what was this? Was Ash dreaming? This didn’t make sense. He had been completely alert and awake a moment ago, unless, this wasn’t _Ash’s_ dream…

Ash finally found his voice again and cried back, “Eiji!”

Eiji jogged to Ash laughing. He jumped into Ash’s startled arms so enthusiastically he almost knocked them both over. Hugging Ash, Eiji said, “For tonight’s dream I want it to be just the two of us staying close like this all night.”  

“Tonight’s dream? Do you dream of me a lot?” Ash said, returning the hug tightly.

“You’re silly today, Ash. Of course I do. Two months ago we went to foxtrot classes, one month ago we saw a Broadway musical, and two weeks ago we fished at Cape Cod.” Eiji squeezed Ash. “You’re the thing I dream about the most. It makes waking up hard some days.”  

An overwhelming concoction of emotions brewed in Ash’s chest. The fact Eiji thought of Ash so much even after 7 years made his heart fly, but at the same time Eiji’s grief weighed Ash down like concrete blocks tied to a cadaver.

Ash withdrew from the hug to talk to Eiji face-to-face. “This isn’t a normal dream. It’s really me this time. I’m a ghost now, but I must have somehow gotten into your dream.”

“That’s…that’s not a funny joke,” Eiji said, backing away from him.

Eiji didn’t believe him. Understandable. That just meant Ash had to prove he was the genuine article. “Like a baby, you’ve always fallen asleep quickly. You especially liked sleeping on your right side.” _It was nice because you often fell asleep facing my bed._

Ash touched Eiji’s left shoulder. “But when something bothered you or when you didn’t want me to know you were awake, you always slept on your left side. Even now, you sleep the same way you did back then. Tonight you fell asleep on your left side.”  

Eiji’s soft mouth fell open. “That’s…such an _Ash_ thing to notice. It…really is you. But how? And why now? After so many years?”

“I don’t really understand it myself. After I died, I slept for 7 years, but after I woke up I needed to see what was happening in the Living World.” _Needed to see you again._ “So I became a ghost.”    

Eiji fell to his knees. “I...I can’t believe it’s you,” Eiji said, his voice trembling. He clutched Ash’s shirt with both of his hands. “I wanted to see you this entire time…

“It’s my fault you died that day.” Eiji stared up at Ash with huge eyes. “If I never wrote that stupid letter, you would still be alive. I should have gone to you instead even if I had to crawl on my hands and knees. It’s the biggest regret I’ll ever have in my entire life.”

Ash fell to his knees too and held Eiji’s hands in his own. “That’s not true. You did nothing wrong. Your letter was my salvation. Besides…the only choice was for me to die.”

“What…what do you mean?”

“Even if Lao didn’t get me that day, someone else would have. A long life wasn’t meant for someone like me. Besides, I’m glad I died sooner rather than later—glad I died before I could give you any more trouble for being involved with me.”

“Please don’t say that.”

“Dying meant taking you away from that crappy world of guns and violence, so it was more than worth it. You have nothing to feel bad about; it was what I wanted.”

Eiji squeezed Ash’s hands so tightly it hurt. “Ash, stop—”

“You’re safer and better off with me dead.”

Slowly, Eiji stood and stumbled away from Ash. Several meters away, he got down on his hands and knees.

Almost like he was praying, Eiji laid his forehead on the earth. And then…he slammed his head against the ground repeatedly.

He looked like a frenzied rabbit tearing its own fur out.

_Thud, thud, thud_ , _thud, thud, thud, thud._  

Sprinting, Ash shouted, “What the hell? Eiji, stop! You’re gonna kill yourself!” He wrapped his arms around Eiji and yanked him away from the ground.

Eiji resisted—a thrashing animal that refused to be taken in by humans. One of his flailing hands smacked Ash in the face allowing him to wiggle out of Ash’s grasp. Eiji ran like the devil chased him.

Ash tore off after him. What was wrong with Eiji?! Why was he hurting himself like this?! Like when Eiji took that bullet for him, Ash was once again thrust into a pit of helplessness. He rather get stabbed, shot or raped again rather than have Eiji do this to himself.

Eiji stopped running abruptly. He bent down to pick something up. A gun. _Click_. He took the safety off and held it to the side of his head.

_Slap_! Ash knocked the gun out of Eiji’s hands. “Eiji, why are you doing this?!”

“You keep saying it was good you died that day,” Eiji shouted. “But I wish I had died in your place!” He glanced at the gun in the dirt.

“No!” Ash tackled Eiji to the ground. “Please stop, don’t hurt yourself like this!”   

Eiji struggled under Ash. In a surprising burst of strength, he flipped them and pinned Ash down. “Stop worrying about me so much, and worry about yourself for once!”

Dragging Ash up by the collar, Eiji said, “You’re so protective of your friends, but you always throw _yourself_ into the fire!

_It isn’t loaded. Give me a bullet._

Eiji released Ash’s collar. One by one, tears stained Ash’s shirt. “I’m sick of seeing you get hurt. I’m sick of seeing you hurt yourself. And most of all, I’m sick of seeing you hurt yourself _because of me_. It’s killing me; it always has.”

Ash’s voice wavered. “Ei-Eiji…”

“I’m so stupid,” Eiji said quietly. “Why am I fighting with you? All I wanted for the last 7 years was to be close to you again, and I’m wasting time acting like some brat.”

Ash cradled Eiji’s face in his hands to caress Eiji’s cheeks and wipe away the tears. He pulled Eiji to his chest and hugged him. “I’m the stupid one. I horribly hurt the one person I wanted to protect the most.”

Trembling, Eiji clung to Ash. Even after the trembling stopped, they didn’t let go. They didn’t say anything for a long time; both of them focused on simply being _together_. 

Eiji glanced at Ash’s cheek and winced. “I’m sorry for hitting you.”  

Besides from being terrified of Eiji hurting himself, Ash honestly didn’t mind Eiji hitting him. He enjoyed Eiji’s passion and liveliness on all levels (which was why he had always put extra effort into riling Eiji up in the past).  

“Don’t worry about it.” Ash touched his own swollen cheek. “But _Ouch_ , for an old geezer you sure do hit hard.”

“I’ll get up and patch you up right away.” Eiji moved.

“But I like where you are now,” Ash mumbled.

“What did you say?” Eiji sat up.

“Nothing.” Ash sat up too. “Our position just reminded me about how you fell asleep on me before like a big baby.”

“That was one time! Besides, am I an old geezer or a baby? Make up your mind. Because whether it was when I was 19 or now, you can’t ever seem to decide.”

Ash grinned. “You’re an old geezer baby.” Ash stroked his chin turning serious. “Now the question is whether you’re an old geezer with a baby face or a baby with an old geezer face.”  

Eiji put his hands over his eyes. “I don’t care if you’re a once in a lifetime genius or whatever.  You’re the biggest dumbass I know.”

“Well, is the old geezer baby going to patch me up or what?” Ash pointed at his cheek. “Don’t forget I’m actually pretty delicate.”

Ash actually felt fine, and he didn’t have a body anyways, so physical injuries probably didn’t matter. But any excuse to have Eiji touching him was a good excuse.

Eiji summoned a first aid kit, and though it had been 7 years, the warm hands rubbing ointment on Ash’s cheek remained the same.

Returning the favor, Ash aggressively wiped the dirt off of Eiji’s bleeding forehead with an alcohol wipe. “Holy shit, you did a number on yourself. I don’t care if this is a dream or not. Tomorrow when you’re taking photos, you’re gonna have the craziest headache ever.”

Eiji grimaced and hissed. “Be more gentle. How do you know I’m a photographer anyways?”

“I told you I was a ghost, right? I watched you today. You talked about your photo gallery with Sing and the girl staying with you.” Ash rubbed ointment into Eiji’s forehead.

“You were there? Wow, I didn’t notice at all. Oh hey, before you became a ghost and visited me, what did you do in the Afterlife? How was it like?”

Ash stuck a huge band-aid onto Eiji’s forehead and told him about all the people he visited after he died. He talked about how he played video games with Skip, walked in Central Park with Irene, flew with Shorter, wrote poetry with Griff, had a drink with his Dad and watched the sunrise with his Mom.

Thinking about it now, Ash had never done so many… _peaceful_ things all at once before. Something had changed without him noticing.

“That’s incredible,” Eiji said. “I’m glad everyone’s doing well, and you got to visit them. Does that mean when I die I can visit you too?”

The horrible image of that gun pressed against Eiji’s head flooded Ash’s mind. “Eiji…”

“Please don’t worry about me,” Eiji said. “I thought about it before, but I wouldn’t end my own life.” Eiji’s face darkened. “I know how much it hurts losing—” He cut himself off. “Besides, who would take care of Buddy?”

Eiji gently touched the band-aid on his head. “No, in everyday life I’m okay. It’s just that sometimes I have these dreams where I get hurt. Sometimes other people hurt me, but I mainly hurt myself like today.

“In my favorite reoccurring dream, I’m with you on the day you died. When Lao goes to stab you, I push you away in time and get stabbed instead. There’s blinding pain, and then I wake up. It’s a nice dream because I feel the pain you felt; it makes me feel closer to you.”

Somewhere far away, Ash heard a prison door slam shut. By dying Ash didn’t protect Eiji from getting hurt; no, he just swapped one form of hurt for another. Anytime Ash got hurt, Eiji felt it twice as much because Eiji’s empathy was always his strongest quality—and now it was killing him. 

When Ash had let himself die, he had let part of Eiji die too.

When Ash had let himself die, he hadn’t known the weight of his own life. And now the people he cared about still carried that weight.

Though a cool wind blew earlier, the air stood still now: stale and stiff.

* * *

The next morning in Eiji’s bedroom Ash felt drained like he hadn’t slept in days. Strange, he hadn’t been this exhausted since he was alive. His ghost form seemed more transparent than before too. What would happen when all his energy ran out?

Eiji yawned and winced. He touched his forehead. “Did…did that really happen or was it another desperate dream? I really do have a crazy headache though. Ash, are you there?”

Eiji’s sad voice broke Ash’s heart. Ash _had to_ muster up the energy to do _something_ to tell Eiji he wasn’t alone. He tried to move Eiji’s glasses next to the bed. Nothing. His hands went through them. It wasn’t like when he touched and moved objects in his mom’s apartment. Ash tried again and again. Nothing. 

Was entering Eiji’s dream so draining it left Ash powerless?

“Eiji! Eiji!” Ash shouted. “It wasn’t only a dream. I’m here! I’m with you, Eiji!”

But Eiji only sighed and walked through Ash. “Sing’s right. I’m definitely not over it. I must be going crazy; I’m making up ghosts now.”

Ash shivered.

* * *

That day Ash decided to take it easy. Maybe if he rested now, he could enter Eiji’s dreams again and talk to him there.

Ash followed Sing and Akira (the girl staying with Eiji—Ash had finally learned her name). And no wonder Akira reminded him of Ibé: they were related. Good to know after all this time his intuition was still on point.

Close to noon, Sing and Akira arrived at the New York Public Library. As they waited in line to take cheesy tourist photos with the lion statues outside, Ash wandered inside the library.

Call Ash morbid, but he needed to go to the place where he had died again. Perhaps it was an urge similar to Orpheus being unable to resist looking back at Eurydice as they left the underworld.

The inside of the library remained the same: wide and open with its vaulted ceiling, yet warm and inviting with its old, wooden furniture.

Ash could always relax a little at the library. It was an enclosed yet public place—which made it difficult for anyone to attack him (too many witnesses). On the other hand, he had also been able to be alone there—to be himself in the solitude of the library.

At the library he wasn’t a gang leader and feared killer, nor was he a whore who tempted everyone he met whether he wanted to or not: No, here he was just another average person off the street who wanted to be at peace among the books.

The one con of the library was that it was almost _too_ quiet and peaceful. It had given him too much free time to think about the life he had to go back to after he passed the _Patience_ and _Fortitude_ lions guarding the library’s threshold. Whenever he had been in the library, the loneliness of his life had felt like fate.    

Approaching his favorite seat at the library, he blinked rapidly. Was that a rose on the table?

A girl in pigtails nearby frowned, squinted at the rose and reached out to touch it.

“No, stop, leave it alone!” another girl in glasses whispered, grabbing Pigtails Girl’s shoulder.

“But why?” Pigtails Girl whispered back. “I wanted to bring it to a librarian. Someone must have forgotten it. They might come back for it later.”

“Nobody’s coming back for it. People leave roses here on purpose pretty often and touching them carelessly would be rude to the dead.”

“What does that mean?”

“You moved here recently, so you haven’t heard the stories yet.” Glasses Girl tilted her head toward the rose. “A boy died there.”

Pigtails Girl jumped at least a foot in the air. “Waaa!” she yelped. After getting dirty looks from people reading nearby, she covered her mouth and harshly whispered to her friend, “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

“It’s an old story from 7 years back. The boy who died sat in this spot all day. The librarians thought he was sleeping. They didn’t realize he had died until closing time.”

“That’s…that’s so sad.”

“Yeah, I heard he was only 18 too.”

“Oh, wow, that’s horrible. He was only a boy barely older than us: He barely got to live his life. Wherever he is now, I hope he’s doing okay.”

Ash didn’t know people could look at him like that: A boy, a child, someone people off the street worried about.

Glasses Girl stared at the rose. “I think he’s okay... There’re rumors saying he died with an expression on his face like he was having a really good dream…” She grinned. “And that he died holding a letter from his lover.”

Pigtails Girl squealed. “Oh my God, so romantic!” The dirty looks returned doubled in strength and number.   

“Ssshhh!” Glasses Girl dragged her friend away and whispered, “Let’s move before you get us kicked out.”

“Alright, alright, oh hey, I hear they got a new paranormal romance in the YA section that’s been super popular.”

“Now you’re talking my language, sister! Lead the way.”

The pair of friends left arm in arm.

Soon after, someone else placed a second rose next to the first. Under the soft light of the library, the two red roses almost glowed.

* * *

Over the next several days, Ash visited several people.

He followed Sing a few times as Sing played university honor student, ran multiple businesses and controlled Chinatown with the grace and power of someone twice his age. The little shrimp (or maybe jumbo shrimp now) embodied success. Though sometimes, he would stare with narrowed eyes and a firm jaw at nothing at all as if he was trying to scare off demons only he could see.

Ash visited Cain and Blanca too. Cain still ran the show in Harlem, and Blanca still read books in the Caribbean. Both of them jogging, with no signs of stopping, in the hamster wheels of their lives.   

Of course, Ash checked in on his old gang too. They guarded the same territory. But everything had become so quiet, they entered new phases in their lives. Alex had a job at a startup that delivered quirky, mismatched socks to clients every month. While Bones and Kong worked together at a catering company (Bones carved ice swans while Kong arranged edible fruit bouquets with a specialty in pineapple flowers.) Ash couldn’t help but feel like a proud parent.  

At one point, the trio visited Ash’s grave. Griff’s grave laid right beside Ash’s. Their tombstones were simple Celtic crosses: humble yet elegant. Ash had never gotten to claim Griff’s body, and surely nobody had claimed his own when he died. Both Griff’s and Ash’s bodies should have been dumped in a public grave somewhere. So how…?

_It was pretty good timing. Had plenty of time to take care of unfinished business but croaked before I got too old. Win-win._

Interesting.

A few times Ash hovered around Max and his family too. After 3 wishy-washy divorces and 4 marriage ceremonies, Max and Jessica had somehow stayed together (though they still fought like animals in a nature documentary). Despite such dysfunctional parents, Michael had developed into a cheerful yet level-headed teenager. That wasn’t surprising though, seeing how even as a kid Michael had his shit together more than his grown-ass parents.

Ash liked hanging around Akira too. She really did remind Ash of Eiji from when they had first met. He couldn’t help but be curious about her too.

This girl had a lot on her mind. One time when Sing took her out shopping at Macy’s, she stared at a ruffled flower dress for 20 minutes. She would play with the frilly sleeve between her fingers, walk away, come back to stare at it some more and then walk away again. In the end, she never bought the dress or even tried it on.

Like Sing, she sometimes stared out at nothing with a forlorn expression on her face—probably seeing her own demons. But when someone talked to her, especially Sing or Eiji, she broke out of her somber daze quickly.   

Eiji.

Out of everyone, Ash lingered around Eiji the most. He still couldn’t communicate with Eiji at all, and any attempts to drop into Eiji’s dreams all failed miserably. _Dante’s definition of Hell: proximity without intimacy_.

Despite wanting to pull out his own hair, Ash still enjoyed being around Eiji. Maybe in the same way people who were sad enjoyed sad music. He would enjoy being around Eiji in any way he could get.

Unfortunately, Eiji himself seemed off-kilter. He frowned a lot while touching his forehead, snapped at his assistants multiple times and dragged himself out of bed everyday as if he had waited all night at a restaurant for a date that never showed up.

Did Ash do more harm than good by entering Eiji’s dream and entering his life again?

* * *

One day, Sing showed Akira Ash’s old computer. She had obviously been curious about Ash for a while, and this led her to ask Sing about Ash. Ash’s face warmed up as he listened to their conversation.

_“Did Okumura-san love this Ash person?”_

_“Yes, he did. Very much.”_

_“Was this Ash person beautiful?”_

_“Very beautiful. So beautiful you could hardly believe it.”_

After Akira slammed the door and left, Sing wondered out loud if she was jealous.

Ash frowned. “I should be the jealous one. You guys get to talk to him everyday, even touch him if you all wanted to, while I’m stuck as some perverted stalker.”

“Hm? Ash?” Sing looked up.

Ash got his hopes up. Could Sing hear him? Maybe he could pass a message along to Eiji through Sing? Ash followed Sing’s line of sight: Sing was speaking to Ash’s computer. Well, it wasn’t the first time his hopes were crushed.

“Don’t fight your memories cuz you’re never going to win…” Sing said to the apparently empty room. Who did this statement apply to the most?

Sing suddenly spoke again. “You satisfied? Eiji’s yours forever. Is that what you wanted?”

A dark but tempting image appeared before Ash. Like in his nightmares, Ash once again sat upon his throne of bones with his crown of steel and smoke, except this time he wasn’t alone. Eiji sat in Ash’s lap, his own personal throne, smirking like a cat with fresh blood on its claws. Ash’s arms were wrapped around Eiji—the two of them tied together for all eternity. _Yes, that is exactly what I wanted._

Sing dumped a bucket of icy water on that fantasy. “Guess what? He hasn’t gone anywhere near the public library for 7 years. He won’t even go anyplace where you can see the public library.”

All too quickly Ash remembered Eiji’s face when Akira mentioned the library. If being with Eiji meant haunting him for eternity, Ash would give up eternity.

Continuing, Sing said, “I keep wondering…what you were thinking about that day. You must’ve suffered, a lot. Because the knife missed all your vital organs. And yet…”

Sing had said his own name meant _demon, lion, guilt._ Eiji wasn’t the only one Ash had hurt by dying. His death had far-reaching consequences he failed to understand until it was too late, or maybe he had _chose_ not to acknowledge them, and in doing so he permanently hurt the people he cared about the most.

Pulling out Eiji’s last letter to Ash, Sing said, “Did this have something to do with that?” Jeez, look at this. It’s practically a love letter.”

Ash’s face heated up for multiple reasons. “Be careful with that!”

“It must’ve been this that let Lao get you that day because there’s no way he could have killed you otherwise.”

Ash clenched his fists. “Everyone keeps badmouthing that letter. It has nothing to do with it. I…” He loosened his hands. “I chose to die. Stop blaming the letter and stop blaming yourselves.”    

“It’s been long enough,” Sing said. “You hear me, Ash? Let Eiji go now. If you don’t let him go—he’ll never be happy again.”

“I know!” Ash yelled. “I know, but—”

“I need him to be happy, because until he is I can’t…Listen to me, Ash. I’m getting him back from you no matter what.”

“I want him to be happy too—more than anything,” Ash said quietly. “I always knew we couldn’t be together forever, but please, give me a little bit more time. Give me the chance to say goodbye that I never got…even if I’m being greedy.”

Ash had no idea why they were both continuing one-sided conversations—both of them literally talking at the walls boxing them in this little room.

* * *

In Eiji’s sleep, he rolled over exposing a long column of his pale neck. Instinctually, Ash leaned in and kissed it. His lips lingered. Though Ash couldn’t feel Eiji’s warmth as a ghost, he still basked in Eiji’s scent and close presence.

“Ash,” Eiji murmured, still asleep. He exposed more of his neck.

Ash trembled: A hundred little earthquakes devastated his judgment all at once. He covered his mouth with both hands and backed away. _What am I doing?_

Frightened of what he would do next, Ash flew away.

* * *

One day Akira’s curiosity about Ash boiled over, so Sing brought her to the old apartment where Sing’s family used to live.

“Umm…Was this Ash person Okumura-san’s…uh…well, lover?” Akira finally mustered up the courage to ask (It was obvious she had been wondering for a long while). 

“He was more than that,” Sing said. “Which doesn’t mean their relationship was sexual because it wasn’t. But they did love each other…maybe the way lovers do. They were…connected to each other, soul to soul.” 

As Sing told Akira about how Ash died, Sing’s words echoed in Ash’s head. Not the non-sexual relationship aspect because that had been true enough. Not even the “lovers” part because that had been said before. No, what stuck in Ash’s brain like old bubble gum was:

_“They were…connected to each other, soul to soul.”_

Ash imagined a pair of handcuffs. One cuff locked around his own wrist while the other cuff trapped Eiji’s. Earlier he had daydreamt of him and Eiji tied together for eternity. But that wasn’t a good thing. He could only drag Eiji down with him.

“Eiji’s changed after that,” Sing said. “In every single way. His personality, the way he lives…Ash’s death totally changed him. It changed his whole life.”   

In Ash’s dreams, he sometimes sank into a bottomless ocean with nothing else around—the dead festering inside of him. He sank now, but he had company this time. Ash couldn’t touch or speak to him, but Eiji was sinking too.

Eiji appeared at the doorway and kindly dismissed Akira. He turned to Sing. “Have I really changed so much? I’ve grown up, that’s all. I think I’m doing okay.”  

Eiji didn’t lie often, but Ash had always been able to instantly spot it, even now. Someone as honest as Eiji wasn’t built for deception.

“That’s not what I’m talking about. Ash is dead! Why can’t you accept that?! He’s dead, Eiji!” Sing slammed Eiji against the wall, knocking off Eiji’s glasses.

“Sing, you bastard, let him go!! Just let go dammit!” Ash concentrated all his energy into pushing Sing away from Eiji, but he only floated through them.  

“Let him go!! Just let go dammit!!” Sing shouted.   

Ash froze.

“Why can’t you move on? I want you to be happy again, Eiji!” Sing hugged Eiji.  

Ash couldn’t believe how stupid he was. _He_ was the one who needed to let go of Eiji, not Sing. If Ash wasn’t careful he would imprison Eiji in that bottomless ocean with him—forever.

It was time to make things right again.   

That night when Ash tried to enter Eiji’s dream, he finally succeeded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter: Fluffy (?) dream times between Ash & Eiji
> 
> Chapter Notes: 
> 
> *Whew! That was a tough chapter in many ways huh? Let’s debrief about Eiji. In his everyday life, I imagine Eiji functions “okay” (as he would say) while occasionally thinking of suicide. He toys with the idea, but doesn’t get very far because he always ends up thinking of Buddy, his family, his loved ones etc. Also because he knows how much losing a loved one hurts.
> 
> But in his subconscious dreams where it’s only him, Eiji’s guilt manifests itself into getting hurt/hurting himself. Like Eiji said in GoL, the guilt was “killing him.” He doesn’t self harm in his waking life because once again, he’s worried about worrying his loved ones. 
> 
> Suicide and self harm are some of the most important topics to talk about, but they are also some of the hardest to approach. If you or someone you love is in crisis and need to reach out, here is a list that should help. 
> 
> Crisis Referrals:  
> -[Elder Wisdom Circle](https://www.elderwisdomcircle.org/ask-for-advice/) is a nonprofit where you can chat with an elder via email to ask for advice about anything’s that’s troubling you. It’s a free anonymous service that works internationally (You can be from anywhere!). I’ve used it myself and can’t recommend it enough. The elders’ responses are always so wise, kind and genuine.  
> -With[ Crisis Text Line ](https://www.crisistextline.org/)you can text with a trained volunteer counselor anonymously and for free from your phone (sadly it's only in the US and Canada for now).  
> -Crisis Text Line also has [a great list of website referrals](https://www.crisistextline.org/referrals) for all sorts of mental wellness concerns. A site to bookmark, that’s for sure. 
> 
> References in this Chapter (For geeks and nerds who love to learn):
> 
> 1.) Like Greek mythology? Read more about the [Greek titan Atlas.](https://www.ancient.eu/Atlas/)
> 
> 2.) The foxtrot ballroom dance is adorable. Smooth, easy-going and adaptable, it can be slow and romantic or jazzy and energetic (or everything in between). [See it in action here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DrLqM8mZhis)
> 
> 3.) Eiji repeatedly slamming his head in his dream is a shout out to the psychological scary movie [Hereditary](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt7784604/). I haven’t seen the movie myself (I think I’m too scared to!), but I’ve read a lot about it. And that image of an emotionally-overwhelmed person hurting themselves like that really stuck with me. 
> 
> 4.) Really, really like Greek mythology? Here is a beautiful animated rendition of [Orpheus & Eurydice](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RhaepLsP5eg). It’s made by Ted-Ed, a wonderfully educational youtube channel connected to Ted-Talks.
> 
> 5.) The Patience and Fortitude lions at the front of the New York Public Library are called so because one New York mayor thought that “patience” and “fortitude” were the qualities New Yorkers would need the most to survive the Great Depression in the 1930s. Read more about these iconic lions [here.](https://www.nypl.org/help/about-nypl/library-lions)
> 
> 6.) People are really leaving roses for Ash in the real New York Public Library. Read about it [here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/BananaFish/comments/a8o529/people_are_leaving_roses_for_ash_in_the_place_he/)
> 
> 7.) “Dante’s definition of Hell: Proximity without intimacy” is originally from [The Girls Guide to Hunting and Fishing by Melissa Bank](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/14841-dante-s-definition-of-hell-proximity-without-intimacy-from-the-girls)
> 
> 8.) The imagery of Ash wrapping his arms around Eiji, Ash kissing Eiji’s neck and the two of them handcuffed together are based on official art by Yoshida-sensei. You can see them [here](https://bananafishlovers.tumblr.com/post/170081314439/just-a-reminder-there-are-similarities-between) and [here.](https://twitter.com/korimichele/status/1019218097138434048)
> 
> *Banana Fish’s fan art is so fluffy/cute and for good reason (the original story is so gritty!). But I can’t help but be intrigued by a dark fantasy version of Ash and Eiji. Both of whom are happily evil and happily in love. Am I the only intrigued by this type of imagery? XD Well…I’ll see myself out the door then…
> 
> See you guys next chapter!


	4. Why Is He Worth It? (Part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter’s theme/mood song is “Demons” by Imagine Dragons. 
> 
> For anyone wanting some gorgeous reading music, here is an instrumental cover of [ “Demons”](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0exIgVhfQI) by Peter Buka. 
> 
> “Demons” lyrics [here.](https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/imaginedragons/demons.html)
> 
> “Don't get too close  
> It's dark inside  
> It's where my demons hide  
> It's where my demons hide
> 
> They say it's what you make  
> I say it's up to fate  
> It's woven in my soul  
> I need to let you go”

Cherry blossom branches swayed sending pale petals twirling. One petal landed in Ash’s bangs. He pulled it out of his hair, rubbed the silk-soft petal between his fingers and released it into the wind. The mild sweetness of flowers seeped into his soul.   

He had seen a few cherry blossom trees bloom before at Central Park, had also seen nicely edited photos of them on the internet, but this was another experience all together.  

The trees surrounding him were so dense with light pink they blocked out most of the cloudless blue sky, though sunlight still snuck through the blossoms to dance on the shaded sidewalk. It was a small, intimate bit of paradise all his own.

Ash never knew the world could be so soft.

Suddenly, a strong breeze sent hundreds of cherry blossoms whirling all around him. Entranced, he stared as petals fell like snow. They must have flowed in the air for only a second, but Ash felt like time stood still.

When all the wandering flowers finally rested on the sidewalk, Ash realized he wasn’t alone.        

19-year-old Eiji sat in the grass; his back leaning against a lichen-covered tree trunk.

As Ash approached him, Eiji said, “One of the biggest reasons I wanted to take you to Japan was to show you a different perspective. Your entire life had been muted colors and varying shades of grey, so at least once I wanted to show you the world could be pink too—the type of pink that glows underneath the afternoon sky.”

Eiji raised a hand to catch the petals. “What do you think of Japan’s cherry blossom season?”

Looking straight at Eiji, Ash said, “I’ve never seen anything more beautiful.”

Eiji turned away from Ash. “I only wish I could have shown this to the real Ash and not just my dream one.”

Crinkling his forehead, Ash said, “But I am the real Ash.”

“Between all the work for the gallery and thinking about you so much, I’m going crazy. I keep hoping other people are you in both my dreams and real life.”

“I know it sounds weird, but it’s really me! A while back we talked in a wheat field in one of your dreams. You hit my cheek, remember?”

“I’m going to Cape Cod tomorrow with Akira, Sing and Buddy to take some photos. I hope it helps clear my head, but probably not.”

Ash grabbed Eiji’s shoulders and pulled him up. “Please believe in me. Until the very end, you always believed in me.”

Eiji’s face scrunched up as if in pain. “I want to. In the wheat field and here too you feel so _real_. I want to believe, but I…” 

If Eiji needed more tangible proof he was real, Ash could oblige.

With only the cherry blossoms watching them, Ash cradled Eiji’s face in his hands and kissed him.

Eiji made a startled noise from the back of his throat, but didn’t move.   

Narrowed green eyes stared into wide brown ones. _It’s okay; you can pull away if you want._

Shaking fingers clutched Ash’s shirt and pulled him closer. _It’s okay; I want to stay._   

Like a hot bath after a long day, warmth embraced Ash. His tongue knocked on the door of Eiji’s soft mouth. _Can I come over to play?_  

The door flung open. _Yes! Please come in!_

As their tongues played enchanting games where they made up the rules as they went along, Ash wrote a letter to Eiji’s heart. _I’m real. I’m here. I’m the same Ash you’ve kissed before._

Eiji’s fingers relaxed and stretched over Ash’s pounding heart beat. _I got your message._     

Emboldened, a curious tongue skimmed walls as it roamed deeper into the home of Eiji’s mouth. In one dark corner a dangerous discovery waited: Pandora’s box.  

Eiji moaned—embodying both cotton innocence and velvet sin.

Involuntary tremors electrocuted Ash’s body. This was spiraling out of control. He jumped back as if burned by holy water.

Resisting the urge to touch his lips, Ash said, “You…you believe I’m the real Ash now, right?”   

Eiji’s face became the most vibrant cherry blossom around. He crouched on the sidewalk and hid his face in his knees. “Yeah, I believe you,” he squeaked. “I…I need a moment.”

In the dark recesses of Ash’s mind, Eiji’s moan sang like a siren’s spell. Ash crouched down and hid his face too. Why did it feel like he had won and lost at the same time? “Yeah, I need a moment too…Sorry, I was so…intense.”

“No, don’t worry about it. I liked it…Wait, no, I mean it’s okay. No, more than okay. Oh my god, don’t listen to me right now.” A deep hole appeared on the ground, and Eiji crawled into it. “This is where I live now.”

Ash yanked Eiji out of the hole. “Oh no you don’t, you old geezer.”

Eiji covered his face. “You’re a sadist.”

“ _I’m_ not the one who filled our entire apartment with pumpkins on Halloween. Just you wait, I’ll get my revenge!”

“I was an idiot for doubting whether it was you or not.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Brat!”

“Baby!”

They sighed at the same time.

Spring enveloped them—both eternally young and ancient beyond human comprehension.

Eiji curled up still covering his face. “I’m a grown man in my late twenties. But whenever I’m around you, I’m such a _kid_.”

Ash stayed silent. He had forgotten (had wanted to forget) the new age gap between him and Eiji. Present day Eiji still looked like a college student, so forgetting had been too easy. But Eiji would always get older and wiser while Ash would always be a teenager—a wide chasm indeed.

Peaking from behind his fingers, Eiji said, “Why didn’t you give me a sign you were there when I was awake? I thought I was going crazy.”

Ash frowned. “I tried, but my energy disappeared after I entered the last dream. I couldn’t communicate with you at all until now. Death told me I couldn’t stay on Earth forever. Maybe that’s why.”

“How much more time do you have left?” Eiji said—his somber expression the very picture of a hospital patient receiving a cancer diagnosis.  

“I’m not sure.”

Trees continued losing their cherry blossoms all around them—a countdown to the inedible end of spring.  

Suddenly Eiji stood, grabbed Ash’s hand and dragged him along. “Well then, we might as well enjoy the time we have left together.”

“Where are we going?” Ash said.

“Izumo-taisha, it’s what all the tourists come here to see. It’s one of the most important shrines in the country, and we’re not completely sure, but it also might be the oldest.” Eiji stopped and let go of Ash’s hand. “Sorry, I got too excited for a second. You’re my guest, so you should pick where we go. Is there anything in particular you wanted to do in Japan?” 

_It doesn’t matter where we go as long as we’re together._ “The shrine sounds good. You’re the local, so I trust you.”

The two of them ambled along Izumo’s small streets which were lined with wooden store fronts and wavy, black-tiled roofs that reminded Ash of an undulating sea at night. Some streets were larger and had more modern stone buildings, but even these had a 1980s atmosphere. Eiji mentioned Izumo being a major city in the region, but to Ash it still had a small-town feel.

While walking to the shrine, Eiji pointed out places he had memories with.

His favorite fruit market: The grandma who ran it always gave him extra oranges for lifting heavy boxes for her.

The big hospital in the area: His dad stayed there for while for his liver complications.

An old arcade: Eiji loved beating his sister at the taiko drumming game here (He especially loved beating her while drumming to the Sailor Moon theme song, but ssshhh, don’t tell anyone).    

Like Cape Cod, Izumo was a coastal town with that hint of sea salt in the air. But while Cape Cod had always made Ash feel desolate and lonely, walking through Izumo with Eiji made him feel content—like he was a kid curled under a fluffy blanket in winter and woke up realizing it was Saturday.

_This can’t last forever. When has happiness ever lasted for you? You have to let Eiji go before you drag him into your darkness._ Ash ignored the demons in his head. His doubts became Eiji’s doubts; his hurt became Eiji’s hurt. Ash had to bury his weak heart like he always did.   

Eiji pointed at a beige, unassuming building with the vaguely retro air all the buildings in Izumo had. “That’s where I went to elementary school.”

“How were you in school?” Ash said.  

“Pretty quiet, I didn’t stand out much.”  

“Yeah? I bet everyone thought you were a quiet but really nice kid.”    

“How about you?”

“I was a real brat—a teacher’s worse nightmare. It was good I dropped out in elementary school. In kindergarten I used to hide my teacher’s wig all the time. If I had made it to middle school, I would have graduated to hiding my teacher’s car all the time.”  

Like always, Eiji knew the heart of the conversation even if it went unsaid. “Would you have wanted to stay in school if you had the choice?”

As a teenager every time Ash saw a yellow school bus he couldn’t help but feel a bit wistful for a lost time—like a person born in the wrong era browsing antique shops.   

Turning away from the school, Ash said, “Public school wouldn’t have been the place for me. Even as a little kid I was bored as hell there. University might have been a nice alternative: lots of independence and freedom to study what I want. But…it’s too late now, right?”

Eiji frowned. “Ash…”

Things were going in a bad direction. With Ash’s limited time with Eiji, Ash didn’t want to waste time worrying him. Ash waved his hand. “But anyways, you wanted to show me a shrine, right?

Eiji looked like he wanted to continue the conversation, but let it go. “Yeah, it’s close by. There’s also a festival at the shrine this time of year that we can go see.”

As they passed little shops selling food and gifts, Ash abruptly stopped at a rack outside a souvenir store. He picked up one of the postcards. “Eiji, is this _you_?”

Eiji scratched his cheek. “Well…yeah. It’s the pole vaulting photo Ibé-san says started his photography career. It somehow got popular enough around here to get made into a postcard.”

Ash had always wanted to see this photo, but never got to before. To have it fall into his path now amazed him.  

In the postcard Eiji was a little younger, maybe Ash’s age from when they first met. Eiji hovered in the air crossing a pole vaulting bar. His hair flowed around him, ethereal, like he wasn’t human. Radiating soft power and strong grace, he shined from within. The expression on his face channeled the relaxed determination of chess grand masters. But Eiji’s eyes lured Ash in the most.

A crackling log fire always glowed in Eiji’s eyes, but in the postcard the crackling log fire blazed into an enormous bonfire—controlled and calming yet so undeniably _alive_ viewers needed to stop and stare.

Looking a little red, Eiji nudged Ash. “Are we looking at photos of me all day or what? The festival and the shrine are waiting. Come on, let’s go.” 

Ash returned the postcard to its place. “Alright, alright, don’t get your diaper in a twist, old man.  Let me get some water first. You want any?”

“Nothing’s wrong with being old.” Eiji fished yen from his wallet and held it out. “Yeah, get me water. But you’re such a shithead, get some toilet paper while you’re at it.” 

Snatching up the yen, Ash said, “You’re so butthurt, I’ll get you some diarrhea medication instead.”

Eiji stuck his tongue out at him and grinned. “Whenever you’re done being an asshole, I’ll be at the traffic light up ahead, but knowing you, I’ll be waiting forever.”

Ash stuck his tongue out too. “Old people are supposed to be patient anyways, right?”

After Eiji left, Ash smiled to himself and bought what he needed.

* * *

 Just beyond the traffic light, Ash and Eiji arrived at a wooden gateway.

“This is a _torii_ ,” Eiji said. “These gates mark the entrances of shrines and divide the ordinary world from the sacred. As you’re entering the shrine and before walking under the _torii_ , you bow once. And when walking under a _torii,_ avoid the middle because the gods always walk in the middle.”

“Do the Japanese always have so many rules?” Ash said. 

Eiji laughed. “Yep, pretty much, but don’t worry. I got you covered. It’ll be payback for all those times you showed me around New York.”

They bowed and passed the _torii_. As they entered the shrine grounds, a festival overwhelmed Ash’s senses. Dozens of stalls lined up in the grass—each one its own world of bustling action.

A living rainbow greeted Ash in the brightly-colored Japanese banners hanging from the stalls, in the vividly-printed robes many people wore and in richly-hued toys that baited both young children and money from the pockets of their parents.  

Fried food, the humid press of bodies and the swelling murmur of the crowd filled the air. From far away Ash heard the pensive cries of a flute.

They came across a stall with a tub of goldfish.

Eiji pulled Ash down, so they both crouched next to the tub. “Hey, we should try _Kingyo-sukui._ It’s a classic festival game.”

“How do you play?” Ash said.

Eiji gave some coins to the vendor, and the vendor handed them each a little paper scooper and bowl. Eiji raised the scooper. “You use your _poi_ to catch as many goldfish as you can and put them in your bowl. The _poi_ breaks easily, so the game ends when you can’t use it anymore. You get to take with you however many goldfish you catch.”

“Sounds simple enough.”

“It’s deceptively simple. You need to balance patience and speed. Recklessness breaks your _poi_ , but hesitating lets the fish get away.” Eiji gently scooped fish into his bowl like he was routinely brushing his teeth.

Ash arched an eyebrow. “Sounds _and_ looks simple enough.”

“It isn’t, I just have a lot of experience.”

With their fins fluttering in the water, the goldfish swam in groups or scattered in different directions to avoid Eiji’s _poi,_ but they constantly ran into the walls of the tub. No matter what they did their ultimate fate remained the same.

Eiji caught a speedy, black goldfish with protruding eyes. “I used to hate this game as a kid. The goldfish we won often died quickly. And if they didn’t, watching them in their tank always made me sad, so I eventually stopped playing.”  

“Why did you want to play today then?” Ash said.

Adding extra water into his bowl so his fish could breathe, Eiji said, “I realized even if I stopped playing someone else would catch the goldfish. So I started playing again and would release the goldfish back into the wild, most of the time into the pond close to my house.”

“Not the best idea. Fish spread diseases and destroy ecosystems whenever they’re released into the wild.”

Eiji’s _poi_ ripped. He caught a few more goldfish before it became unusable. “You’re right; I eventually stopped releasing them once I knew that. I was a dumb kid, right?”   

Ash’s fingers brushed against the outside of the tub. “No, just ignorant, you had good intentions. It’s like what I said earlier: You were a really nice kid. If I was a goldfish, I would have wanted to be released too.”

The vendor poured Eiji’s school of caught fish into a bag, gave Eiji the bag and congratulated him for a setting a new record.  

“You ready to give it a try?” Eiji asked Ash.  

Ash nodded and Eiji adjusted Ash’s hands to catch fish more easily.

Despite several valiant scooping attempts, the goldfish were always faster than Ash’s aggressive movements. “It sucks to be a goldfish. They always end up dying quickly in captivity, become a problem to get rid of when they get too big or turn into an ecological menace. Nobody wants them.”   

“Maybe, but they have the right to live like the rest of us. Besides, I said it before, and I’ll say it again: you’re not a leopard; you’re not a goldfish; you’re a _human being_.”

Ash broke his _poi_ and scowled at it. “I’m really bad at this.”

“Hey, it’s not your fault.” Eiji patted Ash’s shoulder. “You’re still getting used to the game. Next time try being more patient and less tense: The fish can really sense your mood. Do you want to try again?”

“Maybe some other time.” Ash stood.

Eiji stood as well. But before they left he opened his bag of fish.

The goldfish swam into the air—each of them encased in a bubble of water. They swam up and up and up heading toward the clouds.

Ash watched them while shielding his eyes from the bright afternoon sun. “Where are they going?”

Eiji shielded his eyes too. “I’m not sure. The birds will probably get them before they cause too much trouble, but for now, they’re free.”

* * *

Ash and Eiji wandered around sampling food and games. 

At one stall they blew at piping hot octopus balls called _takoyaki_ and devoured their creamy, savory goodness. A few stalls down at a ring toss game, Ash tried to tutor Eiji in good throwing form, but Eiji’s aim still sucked (They gave the giant Hello Kitty Ash won to a little girl passing by). In one open area, traditional Japanese fan dancers moved slowly and purposefully as if to savor spring; they moved as if they knew what they loved would soon be gone.

The faraway flute’s song sounded more melancholy and closer than before.   

Ash finally had what he wanted: A chance to spend quality time with Eiji.

_Something bad is bound to happen._

They were safe and happy.

_That feeling’s a lie: If you relax Eiji will get hurt again._

Their time together was a beautiful dream.

_The nightmares will come for you soon._

Eiji tugged on Ash’s shirt sleeve. “Ash…?”

Ash numbed his face into neutrality. “Yes?”

The image of Eiji holding a gun to his own head stained Ash’s mind. _Stay_ _calm. Act like nothing’s wrong. Don’t let Eiji know. Don’t let Eiji know. Don’t let Eiji know._

Eiji pointed to an old-timey haunted house. “Wanna try going in there?” Vintage mannequins stood in front of black curtains. One ghostly woman in a white kimono clung to her bleeding face while another had a snake-like neck. A grinning demon with 4 eyes welcomed visitors to their doom. 

Ash had never been to a haunted house before. “Alright, sounds fun.”

Eiji paid the attendant. As they went inside, Eiji held Ash’s hand and laced their fingers together. “It gets dark in there, so it’s better to stay close.”

Ash had no objections whatsoever, so he squeezed Eiji’s hand and let him lead the way.

The inside of the haunted house felt like a quirky museum. Someone had scrawled ominous-looking Japanese messages on the walls in glow-in-the-dark paint. Mythological monsters and ghost mannequins stared at visitors. The people in front screamed at everything alerting Ash and Eiji to the scares ahead.

Yet, despite its campy vibe, the haunted house suffocated Ash. The narrow hallways might have been slowly closing in on them. And something else lingered in the dark besides the mannequins and other visitors.   

Soft, sweet and sinister, flute music sounded ready to spirit away all the town’s children.  

Goosebumps covered Ash’s arms. He struggled to keep his voice casual. “Flute music’s an interesting choice for a haunted house.”  

Eiji cupped his ears. “How weird, I don’t hear anything like that.”  

Ash heard whispers.

_You’re going to Hell._

_You’ll never escape._

_We’ll get you_ _and him too._

A fox-faced demon stretched his claws toward Eiji.

“Fuck off! Don’t touch him!” Ash kicked the demon in the face. A mask flew off revealing a middle-aged man with several bloody, newly knocked-out teeth.

As Ash sprinted out of the haunted house pulling Eiji with him, Eiji yelled back, “We’re really sorry!”

Outside the haunted house, Ash clutched his knees, panting and on the verge of hyperventilating.

Eiji led Ash to a less crowded area. He rubbed Ash’s back. “I’m here, Ash, I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. Breathe through your cupped hands. Deep breaths with your belly. There you go, that’s the way.”

After Ash breathed normally again, he wiped the sweat off his face. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Eiji kept rubbing his back. “It’s okay; I know you were trying to protect me. There’s nothing to worry about here. The guy in the mask he—”

“Works for the haunted house and was only doing his job, I know. When he reached for you, I acted on instinct. I’m sorry for causing so much trouble.”

“Ash, stop apologizing. I know we’re in Japan, but you don’t have to act so Japanese. Here, drink this.” Eiji handed him a bottle of water.

“Thanks.” Ash took several gulps.

“You don’t have to thank me, you’re the one who bought it, remember? Hmmm…you know,  we’ve experienced most of the festival anyways. Do you want to head to the main shrine now?”

Ash handed the bottle back. “Yeah, let’s get out of here.”

They moved on to a spacious walkway lined with hanging lanterns and ancient, colossal trees.

As they walked, Eiji talked about his experiences with Izumo-taisha. His parents got married here which was apparently very common for locals. One of his first memories was praying at this shrine with his family for his little sister’s safe birth. And as a kid he remembered always coming here on the first day of the new year.

Even with Eiji’s soothing voice chatting in Ash’s ear, Ash still saw moving shadows lurking among the trees.  

But it was _okay_. He was _okay_. Ash remembered Eiji crying in that wheat field. He couldn’t let that happen again: Eiji had suffered enough already. No, Ash had to keep his shit together…for Eiji’s sake. Anything and everything for him.

They passed an iron _torii_. Short pine trees lined the gravel pathway which was divided into three separate paths. They took the left path since the shrine reserved the middle path for the gods.

Besides the obvious wooden blockades asking visitors to stay away, the middle path emitted strange energy that had Ash putting his arm around Eiji’s shoulder to steer them both as far away from it as possible.

“Not every shrine has such a clearly marked path for the gods,” Eiji said as they walked. “Another reason why this shrine’s special is because all 8 million gods in Japan meet here once a year.”   

“Why do they need to meet?” Ash said.

The energy from the middle path grew stronger. It filled the air with a dark miasma. Ash rubbed his eyes. The air was clear. Was it his imagination?

“They do normal meeting stuff, review the year and chat with their friends,” Eiji said.

The stench of something wet and dead curled in Ash’s nostrils. He squeezed Eiji’s shoulder.

Eiji squeezed his hand in return. “But the biggest thing the Gods meet about is to discuss people’s connections with other people. Their main concern is the happiness of mortals.”  

_Do you think everyone deserves to be happy?_

A black hole tore open the middle path. From its darkness, shadow hands shot out. They grabbed Ash all over and dragged him toward the hole.

Eiji clung to Ash’s hand and arm while digging his feet into the ground. “Ash! Hang on!”

Ash squeezed Eiji’s hand one last time and yanked his arm away. _Let Eiji go now. If you don’t let him go—he’ll never be happy again._

“Eiji, get away from me!” As Ash disappeared into the hole, the last thing he saw was Eiji’s horrified face.

Eiji kicked the gravel running over. “Ash!”

But it was already too late. The hole closed killing the last bit of light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Your eyes, they shine so bright  
> I wanna save that light  
> I can't escape this now  
> Unless you show me how”  
> -Demons by Imagine Dragons 
> 
> Next Chapter: The night is darkest before the dawn. 
> 
> Chapter Notes: 
> 
> *I know, I know, I’m horrible for ending it there! I swear I have my reasons. I’m not a sadist, so next chapter is coming out ASAP (hopefully in a few days). We gotta find out what happens to Ash, right?  
> *Poor Eiji, he only suggested that haunted house to have an excuse to hold Ash’s hand. But it all blew up in his face.  
> *And though I love Ash dearly, I also legit think that Ash would have been a nightmare student to have as a teacher (I shudder thinking about it). 
> 
> *Explanation of Ash’s ghost powers: 
> 
> He only has a certain amount of energy as a ghost. Some ghost skills use a ton of energy, like entering a living person’s dream. Ghost energy takes a while to restore itself and even then only restores itself to a certain degree. That’s why he took so long to enter Eiji’s dreams again (His sharpened conviction/will power also gave him the edge he needed to use this energy-draining skill a second time). 
> 
> Some ghost skills are passive and take no energy, like understanding a new language (Japanese in this case). However, Ash can’t understand every language as a ghost now. He only understands the languages that would help him achieve his ghostly purpose in the Living World. I also imagine he can’t read/write in Japanese or other languages because those skills are not important in him achieving his purpose. 
> 
> References in this Chapter (For geeks and nerds who love to learn):  
> *This chapter has a ton of Japanese cultural references. Yay culture! 
> 
> 1.) I imagine Ash’s cherry blossom paradise looked a little like [this.](https://www.google.com/search?rlz=1C1CHBF_enHU752HU752&biw=1280&bih=610&tbm=isch&sa=1&ei=peF9XMWxIY_-sAX6tb-QDA&q=japan+cherry+blossom+tunnel+sidewalk+&oq=japan+cherry+blossom+tunnel+sidewalk+&gs_l=img.3...25522.25522..25828...0.0..0.64.64.1......0....1..gws-wiz-img.UaCz0UQh8ts#imgrc=LOKQsNf9IENK7M:)
> 
> 2.) Read more about the very real Izumo-taisha [here.](https://www.japan-guide.com/e/e5804.html) A worthy stop on your next trip to Japan for sure! 
> 
> 3.) Taiko drumming (both the actual drumming and the arcade game) is a gift to humanity and is some of the most fun you’ll ever have. Photo of arcade taiko drumming [here](https://arcade.tokyo/blog/2018/2/young-drummers). 
> 
> 4.) Learn more about torii gates [here.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Torii)
> 
> 5.) Famous Eiji pole-vaulting photo (used for the postcard) [here.](https://coherentcats.com/2018/12/26/12-days-of-anime-the-power-of-a-photograph/) Also below the linked photo is a beautifully-written essay about the usage of photography in Banana Fish by Coherent Cats. 
> 
> 6.)[Photo of Japanese festival booths](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Japanese_festivals#/media/File:Yomise\(Yatai\).JPG) like the ones Eiji and Ash wandered around. Read more about the huge variety of Japanese festivals (matsuri) [here.](https://boutiquejapan.com/best-japanese-festivals/)
> 
> 7.) [Kingyo-sukui or goldfish scooping](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goldfish_scooping) is a fascinating festival game that started in the early 1800s! 
> 
> 8.) One of the most interesting things I’ve learned while writing this fanfic (and I’ve learned a lot) is that you should NEVER FLUSH FISH DOWN THE TOILET OR RELEASE THEM INTO THE WILD. Whether dead or alive, fish transmit parasites/viruses and [ released living fish (especially gold fish) wreak shit up in the wild. ](https://www.nytimes.com/2016/09/23/science/discarded-goldfish-invasive-species.html)
> 
> 9.) Old school Japanese haunted houses can be so charming. The one I went to at a festival in Tokyo and the one Ash & Eiji go to in this chapter has similar vibes to [this haunted house](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKQZtIfiltA) in Nagashima Spaland. Especially with the mannequins/animatronics at the beginning.
> 
> 10.) The metaphor about the flute music spiriting away the town’s children is a reference to the [pied piper of Hamelin.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pied_Piper_of_Hamelin) It’s an old legend where the German town of Hamelin cheats a piper out of a promised payment and in revenge the piper lures all of the town’s children away with his flute music. The children never return home again. Though there are many theories, what happened to the children remains unknown. This story has always terrified me yet captivated me at the same time.  
> See y'all really soon! :)


	5. Why Is He Worth It? (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Important Notes:  
> 1.) “M” rating comes into play for violence (but nothing too graphic).  
> 2.) Out of all the chapters for this story, this is the chapter where listening to the theme song/instrumental music on repeat while reading is most recommended. This chapter is intense in a lot of ways and listening to the intense violin music linked below makes it all the more powerful. Once things calm down in this chapter (you’ll know when), you can turn off the music then. But for a lot of it, you’re gonna want some powerful background music believe me. 
> 
> This chapter’s theme/mood song is different from our usual fare (Not an American song, but a Japanese one instead). It’s “Corruption Garden” by Caz, originally sang by the vocaloid (voice synthesizer) Megurine Luka.
> 
> Intense violin instrumental music (no vocals) of [ “Corruption Garden” here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvCnGokyq7k) Cover by Jobofish and Lokyin24. Play a youtube video on repeat by right clicking on the video and pressing “Loop.” 
> 
> “Corruption Garden” lyrics [here.](https://vocaloidlyrics.fandom.com/wiki/Corruption_Garden)
> 
> “Ideas, character, and body.  
> Imitating these fake things,  
> I keep fighting in the pseudo world.  
> I had begun to doubt even my own memories  
> and the truth changed into a lie.”

Ash fell into the darkness for what seemed like a lifetime.

He finally hit the ground where his body laid in a broken heap. The shadow hands that dragged him into the darkness fondled him everywhere. Unbearably strong cologne stung his nose and eyes. Bleach-like semen filled his mouth. Camera flashes and clicks assaulted him.  

_What a pretty boy._

_Such a beautiful body._

_Smile big for the camera now._

Ash wanted to scream but couldn’t make a sound. He clawed the dirt until his fingernails bled and lashed at the clinging hands. The back of his shirt ripped as he shook off the last hand and ran. He ran and ran and ran. Ran even while his lungs exploded, for surely his last breath was coming.

Lynxes, leopards, lions and predators too terrifying to be real surrounded him.

Ash ran even as they pounced. Some he barely dodged. Others scratched him. Several sunk their fangs into him and ripped out chunks of his flesh. But the flesh grew back, so the hunt continued.

Was his Afterlife placement decided without him knowing? Was he already in Hell?

A speck of light in the dark emerged. Though Ash sensed evil there, he gravitated toward it. 

When he arrived at the light, he stood bleeding amid a vast feast of the gods. The sea of chattering and clinking silverware immediately became silent. The air pressure dropped as if he stood on top of an impossibly high mountain.

He could barely breathe.

His head throbbed and his stomach lurched. 8 million gods glared down at him.

Some gods looked like Dino, Marvin, Foxx and Ash’s numerous tormentors. Many gods had monstrous animal or demon forms. And legions of them simply had empty spaces where they should have had faces.

They charged at Ash all at once: An ant swarm descending upon a carcass. He got shot, stabbed and ripped apart at the same time, and of course his body remained whole, so it could be violated by violence over and over again.

Ash bit, clawed and kicked, but the fighting would never end. He couldn’t swim out of the hole, couldn’t climb back down the mountain. Besides, he no longer had anyone to protect. And so, he stopped struggling.

Suddenly, the 8 million gods moved away from him fleeing in different directions. Some of them growled as if an outside threat had showed up.

In the distance, a soaring figure swung a pole through stone gods as if they were clouds. The gods roared and snarled as they disappeared in swirls of black smoke.

Wide jade eyes couldn’t look away as the soaring figure rapidly approached. Even from far away Ash recognized the supple, flowing movements of that flying form.   

The head of the gargantuan god in front of Ash got sliced clean off. As it faded away into nothing, Eiji, with vaulting pole in hand, appeared like the sun ending a long night.

Eiji’s hair whipped around his face as sweat drops flew off of him. With his jaw firm and his face grim he was a classic painting’s avenging angel brought to life. The crackling log flames in his eyes had roared into a firestorm that decimated armies. Everything stood still as Eiji fell in slow motion.

The world was being reborn and ending at the same time. Ash had always dreamt of Eiji saving him from his darkness, but Eiji being here meant they were both trapped. How the hell were they getting out of this? Yet, despite fervent fears, an egg of hope hatched.   

“Ash!” Eiji landed lightly on his feet, and the entire world began anew.

Gasping, Ash felt good, clean air kiss life into his body. The fight in him returned. He battled his way toward Eiji using items along his path as weapons: Forks to stab into soft bits, wine to blind demonic eyes and metal trays to smash heads. The monster gods before him evaporated into smoke and shadows, but maybe that was all they were to begin with.

Ash attacked like water—fluid, unpredictable and unrelenting. “Eiji, why are you here? I told you to get away from me.” 

Eiji dodged blows from gods thrice his size as if floating. “And I told you multiple times I’m not afraid of you. Anywhere you go, I go too.”

With large sweeps of his vaulting pole, Eiji knocked away gods like they were mosquitoes ensnared in his squall. He attacked with the sudden ferocity of wind but moved with a dancer’s poise.

Ash wanted to dance with Eiji.

They reached each other—the sea meeting the sky on the horizon line.

Back to back, they fought against a world of forces wanting nothing more than to rip them apart.

Ash broke off a chair leg and chuckled. “I never thought you would fight like this. You’re so soft-hearted normally.”

“Maybe I’m not as soft and pure as you think I am.” Eiji summoned multiple vaulting poles that hovered in the air. “I’m not a kid anymore.”

A demon-god lifted a spiked club above Eiji’s head. Ash rammed the chair leg through the god’s heart. “Trust me; I don’t look at you like a kid.”

Eiji orchestrated his whirling poles to impale mercenaries gunning at Ash. Enemies shattered into broken snow flakes. “What do you think of my fighting anyways?”

“It’s like watching cherry blossoms.”

If Ash brought the water, and Eiji brought the wind, together they created a hurricane nobody saw coming. 

“How dare you!” One of the gods bellowed. “Mere mortals rebelling against the gods, know your place, vermin!”

“You fakes are the furthest thing from gods,” Eiji said. “It’s April now. Our 8 million gods don’t meet until the end of the year; even tourists know that!”

Smirking, Ash grabbed Eiji’s outstretched hand and spun him around. They created a vortex their enemies couldn’t escape. “That’s what you get for impersonating the gods!” Eiji shouted.  

Ash launched Eiji into the air. Like a storm-force gale, Eiji reduced monsters to a vanishing fog of malice. “And that’s what you get for causing trouble in my hometown!”

A colossal god loomed—more impenetrable stone wall than anything else. Eiji pole vaulted above that wall and blasted it away. “And that’s what you get for hurting my best friend!”

The wall crumbled to shadow dust, and Ash caught a free-falling Eiji.

The two of them made a powerful team together.

But their enemies were infinite.

Eventually, a faceless solider shot through Ash’s legs right before Ash hurled a knife through his head.   

As the solider faded into smoke, Ash’s legs buckled. Eiji grabbed him before he could collapse. “It’s okay, I got you.”

Eiji fired a volley of vaulting poles flying in all directions and hauled Ash behind the bar counter to hide. With a knife at the bar, Eiji ripped off most of Ash’s jeans and inspected his legs. “They’re bleeding a lot, but thank goodness all the bullets went clean through.”

“Good.” Ash winced. “But fuck, they messed me up.”

Eiji tore off strips of his shirt and bandaged Ash’s legs. “I’m sorry I can’t do more. This must be really painful.”  

Gripping Eiji’s shoulder, Ash said, “You’ve done plenty for me, more than you’ll ever know. You’re not going to like this, but you have to leave me behind. My legs are too screwed up to move anymore. Go save yourself…Please.”

Eiji didn’t respond for a solid five seconds—his face severe. “If you think I’m leaving you now after everything we’ve been through, you really are a dumbass.”

Ash tightened his hold on Eiji’s shoulder. “This isn’t a joke. If something happens to you here, I don’t know what’ll happen to you in real life. I’m already dead; it’s worthless trying to protect me.”

“You’ll always be worth protecting.” Kneeling, Eiji hoisted Ash around his shoulders in a flawless fireman’s carry which left one of Eiji’s hands free to carry a vaulting pole.

“What—what are you doing?” Ash said, blushing. “Don’t lug me around like a sack of potatoes! If you’re gonna carry me, at least princess carry me!” Ash quickly covered his mouth.

“Oh? I’ll keep that in mind, _Princess_.”

Ash buried his face in Eiji’s back, mortified.

“We’re getting out of here.” Eiji sprinted with Ash around his shoulders and vanquished the gods who stood in their way.

But they couldn’t go on forever.  

“I’m serious,” Ash said. “Let me go. I’m only slowing you down. At this rate we’ll both get caught.” _I won’t let you get wrapped up in my darkness again._

“It doesn’t matter. No matter what happens, we’ll stick together.” Eiji gripped Ash tighter. “Like how we always should have before.”

Ash clenched his fist. “You don’t have to worry about me. Leave me alone.” _I don’t want to keep hurting you._

“But you don’t have to be alone anymore!”

“Stop it! I don’t understand how I’m worth all of this!”

A huge black shadow flew through the pair.

Ash blinked. He wasn’t around Eiji’s shoulders anymore. He stood on a stage in a vast theater with what looked like millions of seats. His legs were no longer bleeding and broken. He wore a pure black suit.  

The gods Ash and Eiji had been fighting sat in the audience murmuring. Ash was alone on stage. “Eiji! Eiji! Where are you?!” He frantically looked all around him.

“Ash!” Eiji rattled iron bars. He was trapped inside a large bird cage perched in the balcony seating area.  

Guards smacked Eiji’s hands with prison batons making him recoil. “Hey, keep it down in there. The show’s about to start.”

“Don’t touch him!” Ash rushed to jump off stage, but the stage lights turned on blinding him. A hush fell over the audience.   

Dino’s voice boomed in the large theater. “Are you ready to stop fighting me, my creation?”

Ash ran to the front of the stage. “Dino, I don’t care what happens to me, but let Eiji go!”

“I will, if you agree to play your role again.”

Something slid across stage to Ash’s feet: His old gun.

“You can never escape fate, my beautiful lynx,” Dino said. “Go on now, we don’t have all day.”

Eiji banged on the floor of his cage. “No, don’t do it, Ash! This isn’t who you are anymore. It’s not too late to start over!”

Slowly, Ash picked up the gun and clicked off the safety. The familiar weight froze his fingers.

“Eiji, don’t worry. I’m getting you out of this,” Ash mouthed. And though Ash spoke so quietly nobody in the audience could hear him, he knew Eiji heard him. Because even when Ash was so scared he couldn’t speak, Eiji always heard him. “You once told me you would do anything for me…I’ll do anything for you too.”  

Movement stage left. Instinctually, Ash shot—the bullet echoed in the impossibly huge theater. A body collapsed on stage; the thud exaggerated by the wooden floor boards. It was the remains of Ash’s old baseball coach: The first in a long line of individuals eager to buy Ash.  

Lying there motionless, the body looked like a mannequin—even as blood oozed from the head into a growing red puddle that gleamed under the bright stage lights.  

The crowd erupted into wild applause. _“Encore!” “Encore!” “That was only the beginning, right?”_    

From the orchestra pit, musicians started a lively concerto led by the flutes.

Everyone Ash had ever killed attacked him from all directions. One by one, he shot them all till ringing bullets made his ears go deaf. The massacre never ended. Why didn’t he run out of people to kill? Why didn’t his gun run out of bullets? Somewhere far away a little boy cried.

The onslaught of assailants trickled down to nobody. After the last gun shot—silence. Ash panted. The bright stage lights blurred his vision and made him dizzy. He couldn’t see clearly anymore. His throat became a barren desert deprived of the mercy of water. 

So many corpses covered the stage the wooden floor boards weren’t visible anymore.

A new actor entered stage right.

“Ash, it hurts…” Pale and trembling, Shorter staggered toward Ash.

Ash shook his head. “No…Shorter…you shouldn’t be—”

A distant cage clanging. “That isn’t Shorter,” Eiji shouted. “He’s safe in the Afterlife like you told me. Nobody can hurt him anymore! Nobody can hurt _you_ anymore! Dino and all these horrible people are dead. None of this is real!”

All this was in Ash’s head? How could that be? When everyone else left him, this pain never did.

Sometimes being with Eiji felt so beautiful Ash wondered if he had made Eiji up. Like Eiji was the one pleasant dream in an endless line of nightmares. But even if Eiji was only a dream, he would always be the realest thing in Ash’s world.

Ash aimed his gun into the audience ready to save Eiji even if he had to fight all the gods himself. A quiet murmur fell over the crowd.

“I see you’re in another rebellious stage,” Dino said. “Don’t even think about it. Stray from your role and the boy dies.”

What if Ash put the gun to his own head? If Ash really imagined all of this, Eiji would be free once Ash ended this farce right? _You’re so protective of your friends, but you always throw yourself into the fire!_ No, bad plan. Eiji would be devastated seeing Ash shoot himself.

“Hurry up,” Dino said.  

Ash aimed his gun at Shorter. _Why do I hurt the people I care about over and over again?_

_He’s not the real Shorter. He’s not the real Shorter. He’s not the real Shorter._

“Can you still carry that weight?” Shorter said.

Ash pulled the trigger.

The kills got easier after that. He became a machine on autopilot—not feeling anything. The little boy still cried, but he had learned to sob silently.

Ash made his final kill. Lao’s body slumped over: A human reduced to an object. Before Ash’s hammering heartbeat could even slow down, the corpses moved as if pulled by invisible puppet strings. They created a large pile at the center of stage. And on top of them all, a throne of bones materialized.  

On the now cleared but bloodied stage, two objects slid to Ash’s feet: A grotesque skull mask and a familiar crown of steel and smoke.

Tears dripped down Eiji’s face. “Stop, please don’t do this to yourself anymore.”

Ash wanted to cry too, but the tears wouldn’t come. He never wanted Eiji to see him for the monster he really was.

But unfortunately, Ash no longer had a body to sell in exchange for Eiji’s freedom, so the last thing Ash could sell was his soul.   

He slowly put on the mask. It fused with his face like it belonged there all along. At least now Eiji didn’t have to look at him anymore. There was no escape from Ash’s role even in death.  

Ash placed the crown on top of his head. Though the crown seemed light, it pressed against him—as heavy as Sisyphus’s boulder. 

“Magnificent!” Dino roared. “You’re truly god’s vessel now. This was the role you were born to play! Now take your rightful place upon your throne.”

Ash shambled toward the throne like a man heading to his execution chair. As he climbed the small mountain of corpses, their blood and putrid stench soaked his pores. Their dead eyes followed him.  

He sank onto his throne.

The audience exploded into thunderous applause and a standing ovation. _“Bravo!” “Bravo!” “Spectacular!”_

Ash gripped the arms of his throne. If he was sentenced to this role for eternity, he rather burn. The pile of corpses, the throne and Ash himself caught on fire.

“You fools, put out that fire at once!” Dino bellowed.

Blankets, fire extinguishers or water hoses—all completely useless. Nothing could put out the fire. Ash’s nightmare had come true: The inferno would consume him.

_I’m sorry, Eiji. I always throw myself into the fire because I know it’s where I belong._

Above the cacophony of screaming audience members and gods on fire, Ash heard Eiji’s quiet voice. “You said to me, ‘I don’t understand how I’m worth all of this.’ You’re definitely worth it. Not because you’re strong and smart. Not because I love you. But because you have a value all your own. Even if you were all alone in the world, there’s still value in being you! You’ll always be worth saving, Ash! Always!”

The fire didn’t hurt anymore. It felt warm. Closing his eyes, Ash let himself burn to ashes.

And even after Ash was no more, the inferno continued.

The ashes formed an egg, and the inferno became its nest.

Nobody noticed, but the egg began shaking—harder and harder and harder! 

_Crack._

A shrieking phoenix burst out of the egg. He was the size of an elephant with flaming wings and a heart of fire. What a sight to behold!

The phoenix soared across the theater. From his body, fire petals rained into the audience spreading an already unstoppable fire.

Reaching the large bird cage, the phoenix tore open iron bars like tissue paper.

Eiji stepped out with the awe-struck face of a child standing beneath an ancient and grand waterfall. “Ash?” 

The phoenix nodded and leaned his forehead against Eiji’s. They stared into each other’s eyes for a small eternity. Eiji nodded back, and the phoenix gently gripped him in his talons.

They burned a hole through the theater roof and left a chaotic world of violence behind them. In a night sky that almost tasted sweet, a ring of light shined—they flew through it without looking back.  

Panting, they both collapsed into the world of daylight at Izumo-taisha. The hole they flew out of vanished as if it was never there at all.  

Solid ground had never felt so good before.  

Ash shrunk to the size of a falcon but remained a phoenix. Eiji crawled over to Ash and gently hugged him. “You were amazing. No, present tense, you _are_ amazing.”

Ash cawed weakly and nuzzled into Eiji’s chest.

Eiji stared at the spot where the hole was. “Where did all those monsters go?”

They didn’t go anywhere. They were still there: waiting for their next chance to strike, but something fundamental had shifted. Ash could handle them now.

Ash landed on Eiji’s shoulder. He butted against Eiji’s cheek and cawed happily. _I’ll be okay from now on._

Eiji petted Ash’s head. _Okay. But if you ever need me, I’ll be there for you._

Ash stayed on Eiji’s shoulder as they headed to the main shrine. Whenever Eiji stopped stroking his feathers, his talons dug deeper into Eiji’s shoulder.

Flicking Ash’s forehead, Eiji said, “Stop that, I know what you’re doing. My arms are tired. I can’t keep pampering you 24/7.”

 _Yes, you can._ Ash didn’t appreciate Eiji’s sass, so he bit his nose.  

Eiji swatted Ash. “Ouch! Bad bird! Jeez, even as a bird you’re still you. Oh well, you’re lucky your feathers are so smooth.” Eiji petted Ash again, and Ash leaned into it.

They strolled to a fountain filled with wooden ladles.

“This is a purification fountain,” Eiji said. “Before we go to the main area of the shrine, we need to purify ourselves.” Eiji stared at Ash’s talons. “Since it’s hard for you to hold the ladle now, I can do it for you this time.”

Eiji grabbed a ladle and demonstrated how a person would normally purify themselves before purifying Ash. “First the left wing, than the right wing,” Eiji said, pouring water on Ash’s wings. “Next you rinse your mouth.” Eiji poured some water into his hand, so Ash could peck at the water and spit it out. “Finally, you wash the ladle for the next person, and you’re done.” Eiji tipped the ladle, so water fell onto the handle and put it back in place.

Ash cawed loudly and twitched unnaturally. Eiji’s brow furrowed. “Hey, are you oookkkkaaaaayy?!”” Unbalanced by a sudden new weight, Eiji fell over.

Crunch. Crunch. Two solid bodies fell against the gravel. Gingerly, Eiji picked himself back up before helping a very human Ash to his feet. “Normally temple purifying isn’t so dramatic, but you get the point.”

“Glad to know it works,” Ash said.

They bowed to the final _torii_ gate and entered the main shrine area.

The shrine’s wooden buildings seemed incredibly rustic to Ash for what was supposed to be the meeting spot of 8 millions gods, but Ash liked that humility. Compared to the pretentious mansions he hung around during his time with Dino, this refreshed his spirit.   

The focal point of the shrine was a simple building with a giant woven wheat rope—as tall as a person—draping from the rafters. And who said humble couldn’t be impressive?

But more than anything, emptiness lived here. Not a bad sort of empty. After a life overwhelmed with action and so much, _too much_ , Ash liked empty. More than anything emptiness whispered words of freedom.

Eiji caught a leaf blowing in the breeze. “Most of the shrines in Japan are associated with one of our 8 million gods. This shrine is for the god Ōkuninushi. He’s in charge of everything from farming to business, but his main domain is the realm of the unseen. He creates the _en_ or connections between people.

“Whenever I think of places I want to bring you to in Japan, this shrine is always the first that comes to mind.”

“It’s different from any place I’ve ever been to before,” Ash said. A little quieter, he added, “Thank you, I love it here.”

Eiji’s smile could have healed any disease. “I’m glad.” He took Ash’s hand into his. “Come on, I’ll show you how to pray the Japanese way.”

Recently, Eiji had developed a new habit of holding Ash’s hand, but Ash wasn’t about to complain.

Eiji nodded at a wooden box with slim bars across the top. “This is an offering box. You put some money in there, usually small change, and then you bow 2 times, clap 2 times, pray and finally bow once more. Oh, but since this shrine’s special you need to clap 4 times here.”

“Why do you clap 4 times here?” Ash said.

Eiji’s cheeks turned lemonade-pink. He turned slightly away. “I told you Ōkuninushi was the god of human connections, right? The two extra claps are for your…marriage partner.”

“Oh…”

Was Eiji dating anyone right now? He seemed awfully close to Sing, but it didn’t seem like they were together. Besides, if Eiji was dating someone he would have protested more when they kissed earlier. Was Ash thinking too much about this? Ash was definitely thinking too much about this.

“Yeah, well let’s go ahead and give it a try.” Out of his pockets, Eiji fished out coins that had a hole through the middle. He gave Ash 7 coins while keeping 1 for himself. “There’s your offering. It’s good to offer 5 yen coins because 5 yen and good fate sound similar in Japanese: _go-yen_ and _go-en_.”

Fate used to be a scary concept for Ash. An inescapable tidal wave: A force he could barely keep his head above. But now…fate didn’t scare him anymore.

Ash glanced at both of their offerings. “Hey, why do I have so much more than you do?”

“You need all the extra help from the gods that you could get,” Eiji said.

Ash shrugged. “Can’t argue with that.”

They quietly dropped their coins into the offering box, bowed twice, clapped four times and bent their heads to pray—perfectly in synch. Long after Ash closed his eyes to pray, their synchronized 4 claps echoed in his head.

_God, Gods, whoever’s listening, thanks for letting me see Eiji again. Give me a little more time with him. That’s all I want. Afterwards…you can do whatever you want with me._

Ash and Eiji opened their eyes and bowed at the same time.

Eiji patted Ash’s shoulder. “First chopsticks and now praying, you’re a real natural. Foreigners normally stumble more their first time at a Japanese shrine. I’m serious when I say you could live here.”

Smiling in a way that didn’t reach his eyes, Ash said, “Yeah, maybe in a different lifetime.”

Eiji’s face fell for a moment, but he recovered quickly. He dragged Ash to a little shop. “Come on, the shrine experience isn’t over yet. Next we check our fortune with the _omikuji_.” Eiji paid the fee before they each pulled out a slip of paper from a clear bin. Nearby, they found a quiet bench to contemplate their fortunes.     

Ash squinted at the swoopy Japanese characters on his _omikuji_. He understood spoken Japanese as a ghost but couldn’t read it at all.

Eiji leaned in close to Ash. “Oh, you got the same as me. That doesn’t happen often. We both got _sue-kichi_ , future blessing, it’s very middle of the road, not very good but also not very bad.

“It says: Your path has been long and rocky, but like how the camellias always bloom again with time, so too will your future if you are patient. Your mental fortitude will reward you soon if you listen to your whispering heart. If you do not, tragedy awaits.”

Ash waved his fortune in the air. “Are these like fortune cookies applying to anyone depending on how you interpret it?”

“Maybe, but I always liked _omikuji_ anyways,” Eiji said. “They give me new ways of looking at life. Plus whenever my friends and I would get bad fortunes we would connect over our shared misery.”

 “Connect…What was the name of that god of connections? Ō-ku-ni-nu-shi?”

“That’s right! Your pronunciation’s already a lot better. I still remember when you struggled with saying Izumo. It sure was nice seeing you _bad_ at something for a change.”

“Is that a compliment or an insult?”

“Both!”

Their shared laughter embodied the joy of children climbing trees on the first day of summer.

“Izumo…I can see how it was the place where you grew up; it’s so peaceful,” Ash said with his face still mirth-soft. “And Ōkuninushi…He sounds like a god who’s focused on healing and helping humans. I think he’s a lot like you.”

Eiji smiled ruefully. “I’m not as great as you think I am. If we’re making metaphors here, you’re like an _asura_ , a powerful demi-god in Buddhism.”

Ash frowned. “Ibé told me about _asuras_ once. They’re terrible demons who fight the good deities.” 

“That’s only half the story. Labeling _asuras_ as “terrible” isn’t right. They can be demon-like and feed off of human vice, but they’re also fierce guardians of what they care about. They can be amazingly strong, brave and loyal. Growing up, they seemed so noble and beautiful to me, I couldn’t help but admire them.”    

“If anyone’s strong, brave and loyal here, it’s you, Eiji. You saved me. Without you I might have been lost in that darkness forever…When I saw you pole vaulting again, I couldn’t believe my eyes. It was even more incredible today than the first time I saw it: You literally flew.”

“But I wasn’t the only one. You flew today too, Ash.”

Though Ash was human again, he could still feel the strength of his burning heart, talons and wings. “Yeah, I guess I did.” He thought back to his flight with Shorter and what Shorter told him. “Maybe I had wings all along.”

Eiji squeezed Ash’s hand.

Ash squeezed back. “You also said you loved me.”

Eiji yanked his hand away.

Very quickly, Ash was developing an _Eiji Blush Meter_. He had already recorded intense blush _Cherry Blossom Pink_ and awkward flush _Lemonade Pink_. But now Eiji was sporting more of a super-embarassed-but-gonna-hide-it-with-anger _Fire Hydrant Red_. 

Eiji facepalmed. “Out of everything I said that’s what you choose to focus on?”  

“You don’t have to get so flustered. It was cute.”

Ash didn’t think Eiji could turn any more red, but of course Eiji constantly surprised him.

Touching his heart, Ash said, “To me it was…important hearing that. Hearing you say that will keep me full forever—like I’ll never go hungry again.” 

Eiji sighed. “I’m glad you feel that way, but think about the other things I told you too. Sometimes, the only thing stopping you from hurting yourself is that you’re worried about how it would make me or other people feel. But I wish you valued yourself beyond how other people valued you…I wish you wanted to protect yourself the same way you wanted to protect me.”

For Ash’s entire life people assigned him names, labels, roles. _Troublemaker_. _Genius. Whore. Semen Toilet. Beautiful Boy. Murderer. Gang leader. Scum._ Without those roles, who was he? Eiji told him to value himself. But beyond his roles, what was there to value?   

His friends and family loved him in their own unique ways and said all these nice things to him, but he didn’t understand why. He registered what they said on a surface level and appreciated it, but couldn’t fully grasp it. Like how a student who knew how to plug in algebra equations couldn’t apply them to real life. 

He knew he was loved, and he had some kind of worth, but he was still discovering what that worth was for himself.  

Eiji’s eyes darkened. “You’ve been through so much…I just want you to be happy with yourself.”

That buzz word popped up again. _Happy_. Why was everyone talking about it? What was happiness anyways?

Was Eiji happy?

Eiji trapped in the bird cage came to mind.

Ash laced his fingers together. “You’ve also been through a lot, Eiji. Since we met, you’ve healed me, but you deserve to heal too.”

Eiji’s eyes widened. “What are you saying?”

Ash’s heart fractured, but he knew what had to be done. “Let me go, forget about me, replace me. Just move on, please…There are plenty of people in your life who can help you if you open up to them. You were telling me you wanted me to be happy. I want the same for you. Be happy even when…even when I’m not there.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about…I am happy.”

Ash remembered his strange one-sided conversation with Sing. “Are you though? Are you _really_?”

“Give…give me a minute, I’ll be back.” Eiji scurried away.   

Ash slouched on the bench. Why did doing the right thing hurt so much? When you really loved someone you let them go, right? Ash closed his eyes.

But he didn’t close them for long.  

Someone was watching him. A little girl with huge red eyes stood in front of him. She was so young, she couldn’t even have been in first grade yet. The girl gave him a toothy grin and thrust a small bundle of red spider lilies toward him. “These are for you.”   

“Thanks.” Ash accepted the spider lilies.

“Please consume them.”

Ash frowned at the spider lilies. “Alright…”

If anyone else would have asked Ash to eat random flowers with no explanation, he would have insulted their sanity (or at least would have raised an eyebrow if Eiji asked). But this little girl wasn’t just anyone.  

He ate the flower heads with big bites—delicate stamens sticking out of his mouth like spider legs before he gulped them down too. To eat the stems, he ripped them up in little pieces, cupped them in his hand and swallowed them like pills.

As soon as he finished eating the spider lilies, Ash wrapped his arms over his stomach. Nausea overwhelmed him. Practically doubled over on the bench, Ash vomited dark shadows. He collapsed on the ground twitching. His eyes glazed over; the twitching stopped.

Silence.

“How do you feel?” the girl said.

Ash blinked. He stood up again without any problems. “Better, like I have more energy now.”   

“Good, your energy as a ghost has been almost completely exhausted. The spider lilies should have purged the impurities left inside you after your escapade today and imparted to you some of my own energy.”

“I…That’s…Thanks…” Ash dusted off his clothes more for something to do than for any real desire to look presentable. When anyone treated him with unconditional kindness, he didn’t know how to respond a lot of the time.  

“Don’t mention it. I can see you made quality use of your time. I’m overjoyed on your behalf. You’ve learned a great amount, Aslan.”  

“Yeah, you could say that. By the way, what’s up with this look?” Ash indicated the girl’s height. “Do you like to pretend you’re 6 years old very often?”

The girl gave Ash an even bigger grin. “Children are likable, right? Sometimes I like to indulge and pretend I’m likable.”

That was a loaded statement, but Ash decided not to unpack it. He smirked. “You know more than anything you look like a demon child from a horror movie, right?”

“Well, do I at least receive a gold star for my effort?” She pouted. “You promised me a sticker."

“Yeah, yeah, I got it. It’s like you’re stuck on repeat, jeez.”

“Stuck on repeat…hmmm…” the girl muttered to herself. Pine needles drifted from the shrine trees one after the other. “Humans are atrocious at learning from the past, so they always replicate the same mistakes, but they’re even worse at understanding the future. Their minds can’t grasp it.

“A good example of this is the attack on Pearl Harbor and the more recent invasion of Iraq. Both the Japanese and the Americans were eager to take the offensive, but nobody thought in the long-term ‘how are we going to end this?’ They couldn’t comprehend the future at all. Those were busy times for me. Though, I’m always busy.”  

“I’ve read about that before too,” Ash said. “It doesn’t matter where or when, humans suck. But the history discussion isn’t the only reason why you’re still here, right, Professor? Like you said, you’re busy.”

The girl’s eyes glowed. “We’re nearly done deciding your placement in the Afterlife. Now’s the time for you to complete any last minute—”

“Who’s this?” Eiji said, walking in front of Ash. “I don’t know why, but I can tell she’s dangerous.”

“Your instincts are as good as Aslan’s,” the girl said.  

Ash put a hand on Eiji’s shoulder. “She’s literally Death personified. You can’t mess with someone like that. I’m already dead, but you’re the one who—” Ash’s eyes widened. He shoved Eiji behind him and held up both arms—both a human blockade and a sacrifice ready to be crucified. “You’re not taking Eiji yet, right?!” Ash yelled at Death. “I won’t let you! If you try anything—”

Death lifted up two placating hands. “No need to fret. His fated time with me isn’t for a _long_ while.”

Ash relaxed though Eiji only grew more agitated. Eiji struggled with Ash to get in front of him again. “I heard what you guys were talking about earlier. How much time does Ash have left?" 

“Maybe several days in human world time. And that’s being generous. Aslan, when your ghost energy is entirely drained, I’ll come for you.”

Eiji finally managed to push Ash behind him again. He narrowed his eyes at Death. “I swear if you hurt him—”

Ash pulled on Eiji’s shirt. “There’s nothing you can do about this. Besides, this is my issue, let _me_ handle it.”

Eiji glared at Ash. “I’m older than you! Let your big brother protect you for once.”    

Death chuckled. “The both of you are extraordinarily different, yet shockingly similar: You’ve both threatened me even after knowing who I was. I can’t hate this kind of liveliness.”

 _Buzz…Buzz…_ Death opened an old flip phone loaded with rainbow unicorn charms and shrunken heads. She frowned and then clapped it shut. “Gee wiz, does time fly by. Well, duty calls. Enjoy your remaining time together, boys. Farewell for now.”

And with that Death disappeared.

Nobody said anything for a long time. Eiji broke the silence first. He held up two wooden plaques. “Now’s a good time to use these.”

Handing Ash a plaque, Eiji said, “At shrines you can buy an _ema_ , write your wish on it and hang it up. Then, the gods will help make your wish come true. It’s similar to when we prayed earlier or when westerners throw coins in fountains to make wishes.”

Ash’s and Eiji’s plaques had the same artwork: Two round dolls atop knots of paper. For some inexplicable reason the two dolls looked like husband and wife. Making their way over to boards with hundreds of _ema_ already hung up, Eiji gave Ash a pen.

“We’re making a lot of wishes today, aren’t we?” Ash said.

“Sometimes it’s okay to be greedy…” Eiji uncapped his own pen. “What you said today…about letting you go and being happy…I’ll give you my response tomorrow when I’m awake, so will you stay by my side until then?”

Ash nodded. “I’ll stay with you for as long as possible.”

They wrote their wishes and hung their _ema_ next to one another.

“So, what did you write?” Eiji said leaning over to read Ash’s wish.

Ash covered his _ema_ with both hands. “No way am I tellin’, so you can give it up.”

“Oh come on, I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.”

“Ha, I’m not falling for that. You know I can’t read Japanese.”

“Darn, you caught me. Well, it was worth a shot. You wanna head out now?”

“Yeah, I’m ready.”

Later, a powerful wind blew through the _ema_ clanging them together like wooden chimes. Two neighboring _ema_ swayed especially hard. They both had the same wish; one in Japanese and one in English— _Set him free_.

* * *

 

 

> “Decadent flowers, bloody memories
> 
> As if they would go round and round forever
> 
> Lamentation of flowers, graven miseries
> 
> Silence that will never return
> 
> Please lead the mistakes of this rotten world to an end…
> 
> What's left in my hand are the ashes of a flower...”
> 
> -“Corruption Garden” by Caz

 

 **Next Chapter:** We learn Ash’s placement in the Afterlife and our characters make important choices.

*The next chapter is also the last chapter of the main story! And after that will be an epilogue chapter.

*I’m really sorry this week’s chapter couldn’t come out within a few days like I had planned on. But I hope it was worth the wait. For next week’s chapter, I’ll need to do some heavy revisions, so it might be later than usual. But hopefully not too late (fingers crossed!)

 

**Chapter Notes:**

*Someone give Eiji a diploma cuz this boy just graduated with degree in whoop-assology! Seriously though, I needed more kick-ass, BAMF Eiji in my life, so he’s here! There is a big difference in fighting ability between dream Eiji and waking world Eiji. I imagine a lot of his dream fighting ability in this chapter stems from will power and how he emotionally destroys Ash’s demons/shadows. Waking world Eiji lacks fighting experience and has his ankle injury to deal with, but I sincerely believe that if Eiji had trained up he would have been an unique fighter (quite light-on-his-feet and graceful—similar to his pole-vaulting style).

*Pole vaults in real life would make crappy weapons (probably too bendy). Eiji’s use of them as weapons in the dream is mainly symbolic.

*I imagine whenever Eiji goes back to Japan in the waking world, he visits Izumo-taisha and makes a ridiculously huge offering of 5-yen coins to pray for Ash. All the shrine maidens and priests know him, but don’t know what he’s praying for. During their free time they share their made-up background stories about that “sad yet pretty mysterious man.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References in this Chapter (For geeks and nerds who love to learn):  
> More references than ever before! 
> 
> 1.) When Eiji says the gods normally don’t meet until the end of the year, he’s referring to the fact that this famous meeting of the 8 million gods [doesn’t happen until the 10th lunar month](http://www.japanesemythology.jp/izumo-taisha/2.html) which normally corresponds with November. 
> 
> 2.) I imagine Ash’s stage suit looked something like [this.](https://www.pinterest.com/pin/255086766368508544/) Elegant and vaguely Victorian, but also confining and uncomfortable. 
> 
> 3.) I imagine Ash’s stage mask looked something like [this.](https://www.artstation.com/artwork/9bOxQ) An unnatural and scary mask that somehow preserves his handsome good looks. XD I imagine his eyes has a demonic shine with his mask on. 
> 
> 4.) Behold! Another Greek myth reference has appeared! Ash’s crown was as heavy as [Sisyphus’ boulder](https://www.greekmyths-greekmythology.com/the-myth-of-sisyphus/). 
> 
> 5.) [Japanese shrine etiquette here](https://www.japan-guide.com/e/e2057.html). 
> 
> 6.) Despite Ash saying he wasn’t a Buddhist in the main Banana Fish story, when he thinks about emptiness in this chapter, [ it’s a surprisingly Buddhist sentiment. ](https://www.huffingtonpost.com/lewis-richmond/emptiness-most-misunderstood-word-in-buddhism_b_2769189.html)
> 
> 7.) [Ōkuninushi](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C5%8Ckuninushi) is a really neat god to read about, especially if you like mythology!
> 
> 8.) A neat read about the 5-yen coin, fate and shrine offerings [here.](https://guidable.co/culture/japanese-shrines-how-much-donation-money-should-we-offer/)
> 
> 9.) Japanese shrines have so many fascinating traditions! [Omikuji](https://zoomingjapan.com/wiki/omikuji-fortune-telling-paper-strips/) and [Ema](https://zoomingjapan.com/wiki/ema/) are just a few of them.  
> 
> 10.) The metaphor about children climbing trees on the 1st day of summer refers to this image from the mangaka. [Here.](https://www.google.com/search?q=banana+fish+angel+eyes+ash+and+eiji+climb+tree&rlz=1C1CHBF_enHU752HU752&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwjghtPGopfhAhUNiqwKHUdbBO0Q_AUIDigB&biw=1280&bih=610#imgrc=PNtznSUi45uI_M:)
> 
> 11.) Asuras have somewhat of a bad reputation, but like Eiji said they have a lot of good in them. [This scholarly paper by Jon P. Holt](https://pdxscholar.library.pdx.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?referer=https://www.google.com/&httpsredir=1&article=1042&context=wll_fac) analyzes Asuras’ redemptive qualities in art and poetry. It’s a long read so I’ll quote some of it here too. 
> 
> “In Buddhism, the Asura were a warring godlike clan, borrowed from the Hindu myths, but they came to be guardians of the Dharma [cosmic law and order/universal truth]. However these asura beings first must overcome their warring nature…As Buddhism made its way across China and Korea into Japan, the demigod figure of the asura further metamorphosed into a figure of repentance and compassion…” (Holt 113) 
> 
> Sounds like anyone we know? ;) 
> 
> 12.) Ash wonders “What was happiness anyways” at the end of this chapter. This philosophical pondering is based off of [an interview with Banana Fish creator, Yoshida-sensei, where she wonders the same thing.](http://brickme.tumblr.com/post/176763905393/major-misconceptions-about-banana-fish-debunked-by)
> 
> 13.) Historically, spider lilies are super interesting. But in normal circumstances, DON’T EAT SPIDER LILLIES for the love of god (they’re poisonous). Ash eating them in the story is mainly symbolic. Learn why spider lilies are so gosh darn cool [here.](https://kaxtukei.com/en/red-spider-lily-image)
> 
> 14.) Death compares the Japanese attack of Pearl Harbor and American involvement in the 2003 invasion of Iraq. Other forces like the United Kingdom and Poland were involved in that invasion besides the US, but I decided to mention the United States in particular because of [this NPR article.](https://www.npr.org/2011/04/21/135605053/history-repeats-itself-in-cultures-of-war) Really interesting read that compares the two attacks. Good stuff. 
> 
> 15.) [Photo of Izumo-taisha’s ema](https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Ema_of_Izumo_taissha.jpg)
> 
> See y’all soon!


	6. Worth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Important Notes:  
> *I don’t recommend reading this chapter in public. It’s not sexual, violent, inappropriate or anything like that. It’s just one of those reflective experiences best had in private.  
> *Also, I AM SO SORRY this chapter took so long to come out. I revised and edited a ridiculous amount. Thank you for waiting for me. I appreciate each and every single one of you out there. 
> 
> This chapter’s theme/mood song is originally in Japanese like the last one. “Always With Me” by Youmi Kimura. It’s used as the ending song in the movie Spirited Away. 
> 
> Soothing piano/violin music (no vocals) of [ “Always With Me” here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q6A3x2dmygo) Cover by Yuka. Play a youtube video on repeat by right clicking and pressing “Loop.” 
> 
> “Always with me” is so painfully beautiful and matches this chapter so painfully well, I’m including the entire song here. Half of the song is directly below and the final half of the song will be at the end of the chapter. 
> 
>  
> 
> "Somewhere, a voice calls, in the depths of my heart  
> May I always be dreaming, the dreams that move my heart
> 
> So many tears of sadness, uncountable through and through  
> I know on the other side of them I'll find you
> 
> Every time we fall down to the ground we look up to the blue sky above  
> We wake to it's blueness, as for the first time
> 
> Though the road is long and lonely and the end far away, out of sight  
> I can with these two arms embrace the light
> 
> As I bid farewell my heart stops, in tenderness I feel  
> My silent empty body begins to listen to what is real
> 
> The wonder of living, the wonder of dying  
> The wind, town, and flowers, we all dance one unity"

The next day, Ash followed everyone to Eiji’s house in Cape Cod. After Griff had joined the war, Ash had hated Cape Cod. Unlike New York, he couldn’t bury his feelings here. It was a bleak place of miserable memories projecting Ash’s own loneliness back at him.

Yet…Eiji’s Cape Cod home gave him a different sort of feeling. As Eiji took photos of Sing, Akira and Buddy on the front porch, Ash floated around the front yard.

The lush lawn invited him to lie in the grass and bask in the sun for hours. Strong sugar maples urged him to climb as high as he could go. Dark pink beach roses compelled him to appreciate buzzing bees collecting pollen.

But what caught Ash’s eye the most were the patches of white English daisies through out the yard. People usually treated these persistent flowers like weeds in their well-manicured lawns. Yet, this garden warmly welcomed them: The daisies had blossomed beautifully.

“You’re amazing, Eiji,” Ash murmured to himself. “Even if it was only your small piece of it, you turned Cape Cod into a welcoming, vibrant sanctuary. I never thought I could see this place like that…”

As Ash admired the light dancing through the trees onto the daisies, Akira expressed her admiration for the light as well. It had appeared again: The odd kinship he had with Akira, though he had never spoken directly to her. She and Eiji had a lot of similarities, but maybe she shared something with Ash too. There had to be a connection there. 

Akira grabbed Buddy to take him out for a walk. After she left, Eiji told Sing about how Akira’s parents weren’t getting along and how Akira blamed herself for it because she wasn’t the boy her father wanted.

She hated herself for being a girl: something she couldn’t control. What her body did and what her soul wanted didn’t align. She couldn’t accept herself at all.

Ash finally understood. The shared, quiet burden of _self-loathing_ was what connected Akira and Ash. Maybe self-loathing was what Ash, Akira, Eiji and Sing _all_ had in common—Eiji wasn’t the only prisoner. All of them were locked in personalized prison cells of their own creation. 

Sing commented on Eiji’s special ability to sense final distress signals, but Eiji only apologized for ignoring _Sing’s_ distress signal.

Eiji’s eyes darted away. “I knew how terrible you felt, but I didn’t try to take the load off of your shoulders. I just kept asking myself why I didn’t go see him myself instead of asking you to take that letter. I kept telling myself that I should have gone even if I had to crawl on my hands and knees. It was killing me. So I just focused on hating Lao…And ignoring your pain…It was the only way I could live with myself.”

Ash remembered what Eiji had told him at the shrine. _I’m not as great as you think I am._

Would Ash’s death always wrap Eiji up in so much guilt and regret?

Death had mentioned the theory of the looking-glass self: The theory that others influenced self perception. Everyone had multiple mirrors representing their multiple selves, and most of these mirrors could be influenced by other people. _But_ maybe some mirrors couldn’t be changed—distorted self-perceptions fixed forever in place.

Mirrors and prisons were a lot alike.

Eiji interrupted Ash’s train of thought. “I’ll never forget Ash. I’d never want to forget him. But that doesn’t mean I’m not happy. Or that I’ll never be happy again.”

Though Ash was invisible as a ghost, he _knew_ somehow, someway, Eiji saw him for at least one moment. Serious and utterly sincere, Eiji stared straight into Ash’s eyes. _What we talked about yesterday…This is my response to you._

Ash put a hand over his heart. _I got your message._     

Ash had tried to make Eiji choose between two paths: Ash or happiness. But Eiji had created his own path instead.

Shaking his head, Ash said, “God, I really am a dumbass. I kept trying to set you free, but you were able to free yourself this entire time.”  

Akira returned to the garden; she listened to the conversation as intently as Ash did.  

“Ash lived all out 100%,” Eiji said to Sing. “You and I know that better than anyone else. I’m just grateful and proud…that I got to spend at least a short while in the company of that brilliant, miraculous life force.”

Ash’s throat tightened and his vision grew blurry. Even though the patio they spoke at had a roof, it must have been leaking old rainwater. His cheeks were wet after all. Through out Ash’s entire life, he never felt like he had done anything to be proud of. But if the people closest to him said they were proud of him, maybe there was something he wasn’t seeing. 

Eiji smiled. “I’m really sorry, Sing. For making you live with that by yourself.”

“I don’t know if I even ought to be around you,” Sing said. “But…Well, I know I could never replace Ash.”

“Of course you could never replace Ash. Just like nobody could ever replace you, Sing.” Eiji looked at Akira. “And nobody could ever replace you either, Aki-chan. There’s only one of you in the whole wide world. Guess what? Ash’s real first name was Aslan. And that means “Dawn” just like your name.”

Keys jingled. Locks clicked open. Prison doors slid away with a bang, bang, bang.

* * *

Deep night had settled in over Cape Cod. Sing and Akira had fallen asleep a while back. In the living room, Eiji set up an old-fashioned projector with photo slides.

As Eiji prepped the slides he said, “Sorry for keeping you locked up for so long. I hid away all your pictures as if that would make any difference.”

“It’s alright,” Ash said, floating next to Eiji. “Rather than you locking me up, I did that to myself.” Ash thought about Griff’s letters. “Besides, I can understand missing someone, yet not wanting to think about them at the same time.”

Eiji cycled through photos of Ash and photos they both took together: There were a lot of goofy candids and cutesy pose shots.

Ash smiled. “Even with all the crazy shit happening to us 7 years ago, it’s nice we still made time to—”

Quiet as clouds drifting pass the moon, Eiji was crying. 

When they had lived together, once in a while Ash and Eiji would be in the middle of talking, and Eiji would cry spontaneously. They had been silent tears Eiji never acknowledged, so Ash had let it go. But Ash knew Eiji had always cried because of him.

Maybe when you cared about someone, it was impossible to avoid hurting them and getting hurt in return. You just had to try your best to cherish them.

Ash concentrated all his ghost energy into solidifying his hand. Slowly, he slid his hand into Eiji’s and squeezed—the first time they had touched in the Living World in many years.

Eiji smiled and squeezed back.

* * *

People lingered at Eiji’s gallery immersed in the visual poetry found there. Each one of Eiji’s photos told a powerful story. In one, a baby laughed with spaghetti sauce all over her in a dingy apartment. In the next one, a woman with half her face burned challenged the viewer with large, arresting eyes. In another, an office worker slinked past a wall of sloppy graffiti with shoulders slumped and cigarette in hand.

Each photo was unflinchingly honest, yet also incredibly tender—as if Eiji embraced everyone in the photos for their beauty, their flaws, their everything. Like how Eiji used to embrace Ash when life became too much.

Over 7.5 billion humans on the planet, and Ash happened to be one of the lucky ones who intimately knew the depths of Eiji’s kindness. Incredible, simply incredible.

At the back of the gallery, close to the fire exit, Akira and a crying Sing held hands as they stared at a photo: The last photo Ash hadn’t seen yet.

In the photo a man, no, more like a boy, sat in a windowsill at dawn. He had one leg dangling inside the apartment: A deceptively carefree limb. His other leg was planted on the windowsill curled close to his body as if to protect himself.

The boy’s face was relaxed and soft in the early morning rays. With his eyes closed, a cautious peace rested in his expression.

Ash worried for the boy and wished he could always be at peace like he was in that moment.    

“Who is this person?” Ash said quietly to himself. “He’s so innocent and gentle. Could this really be…me? I never knew other people saw me like this. I never knew I could see _myself_ like this…Is this how I looked like all along?”

* * *

Right after Akira left to go back to Japan, Ash sensed the time had come to say goodbye to Eiji.

That night in Eiji’s dream, Ash held the hand of a little boy as they walked together through a forest at night.

They found teenaged Eiji sitting in a clearing. He prodded a lively fire with a large stick and managed the flames with ease. Embers frolicked in the smoke: orange burning holes in grey. The festive fragrance of smoky pine beckoned all to come closer.

The little boy with Ash might have been about 7 or 8 years old. He had blond hair and huge jade-green eyes filled with tears. His quiet sobs shook his shoulders, but he did not make a sound.

Ash rubbed the boy’s back and turned to Eiji. “There’s someone I want you to meet…” Ash pushed the boy forward gently while keeping his hands on the boy’s shoulders. 

Eiji knelt down. “Hi there, I heard a lot about you, and I’ve wanted to meet you for—”

The boy smacked Eiji on the nose and hid behind Ash’s legs.

“Ouch!” Eiji touched his tender nose.

Ash twisted around to glare at the boy. “Hey, you little brat, Eiji didn’t deserve that! Say—”

“It’s okay,” Eiji said. “People often say I have a button nose. Our young friend here just wanted to press it.” He turned to the boy. “It makes fun noises, see?” He tapped his nose twice. “Droop! Droop!” He leaned closer to the boy. “Wanna give it a try?”

The boy hesitated and then tapped Eiji on the nose twice.

“Beep! Beep!”

The boy tapped again.

“Boop! Boop!”

and again and again and again.

“Bop it! Twist it! Pull it!”

The boy giggled and wiped away his tears. He had stopped crying while nobody had noticed.

In the clearing, the three of them played lots of games like 20 questions, hot-and-cold, and catch. But while they played, the boy sometimes pulled little pranks. He would tug Eiji’s hair or pinch him before running away. These little pranks never did much damage, but a pattern had formed. 

Eiji would be focused on Ash. They might be chuckling over an inside joke or simply chatting, then the boy would pull a small prank and run away. He would then stop in his running and glance to see if Eiji and Ash were chasing him. If they weren’t, they boy would kick at the dirt and pout.

Currently, the three of them played an unintentional game of hide-and-go-seek. The boy had stuck out his tongue and had sprinted into the woods with Eiji’s jacket. Ash and Eiji now scrambled to find him. 

Brushing back some bushes, Ash said, “This is getting ridiculous. Maybe this is karma or something for all the shit I gave my teachers. But we’ll get your jacket back, I swear.”

“It’s okay,” Eiji said, peering into a log. “It’s not like I have a shortage of dream jackets or anything.”

“Still, I’ll talk to him, so he stops his pranks. No more jacket swiping.”

“The jacket isn’t the real issue though.”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re kind of slow with simple stuff, huh?”

Ash flung a pinecone at Eiji who dodged it while chuckling. “People who say you’re just a fluffy bunny don’t know you at all,” Ash muttered. “You got a mean streak bigger than New Jersey’s economy.”  

Eiji squinted at a tree. “I’m mainly like that with you though. We bring out sides of one another that most people don’t see.” Eiji ducked to examine a small gap under the tree. “Haha! Found you!”

The small gap led to a sizable den. Within the den, the boy clutched Eiji’s jacket and curled into a tight ball.

Ash pulled at the jacket sleeve. “Oi, if you’re gonna steal at least don’t get caught. Now give it back.”

Shaking his head, the boy curled into an even tighter ball.

Gently, Eiji pushed Ash away. “Let me handle this.”

The boy glared suspiciously at both of them. 

Eiji stuck his hand into the den, but didn’t reach for the boy—letting the boy decide whether to meet him halfway or not.

“If you cause trouble, you’re not going to scare me off,” Eiji said.

The boy flinched.

“You also don’t have to cause trouble to get my attention.”

The boy turned around.

“No matter what, I’ll never stop caring about you.” 

The boy took Eiji’s hand, and Eiji pulled him out of the ground.

With large, apologetic eyes, the boy hugged Eiji’s jacket one more time before giving it back to him.

Eiji put his jacket back on and knelt down facing the boy. “Don’t worry, I’m not mad. Is it okay if I…hug you?”

The boy nodded, and Eiji leaned in to wrap his arms around him. 

Slowly, the boy returned the hug. He sighed with a content smile on his face—the same smile children wore after their parents tucked them into bed at night. Though it could barely be distinguished in the wind, both Ash and Eiji heard a quiet, “Thank you.”     

After a lingering hug, the boy stretched his arms toward Ash. Eiji carefully picked up the boy and passed him into Ash’s waiting arms. 

Tightly, Ash embraced the boy. “I’ve been too harsh with you. Life treated you like shit, so at the very least I should have been kind, but I wasn’t.” Ash squeezed tighter. “You didn’t deserve any of that. _I’m sorry._ From the very start, I should have treasured you more.”

The boy turned into orbs of light that went into Ash. For a quiet moment, Ash glowed before the light completely faded: The boy was gone now. Ash’s arms, with nothing left to hold, ended up wrapped around himself.

“Is he…Is he okay now?” Eiji said, slowly.

“He’s…more than okay,” Ash said. “He’s never been better.”

Taking their time, Ash and Eiji meandered through the forest. The darkness blurred the sharp outlines of trees. Rustling leaves, chirping crickets and a hooting owl imbued the night with undeniable life. The damp air brewed a tea scent of birch, wild flowers and wet soil which soothed Ash’s nerves.

Though Ash used to be frightened of the dark, the subdued darkness now gave him the courage to speak. “…Eiji?”

A soft voice made softer by the darkness. “Yes?”

“Thank you.”

“Hmmm? For what?”

_For being proud of me. For crying for me. For helping me see myself differently. For loving me unconditionally. For existing._ Words failed to encompass the depths of Ash’s gratitude. But Ash would try to find the right ones anyways, would try to unbury his heart and lay it out for Eiji to see.

A break in the trees lay ahead: They were reaching the end of the forest.

“Thank you…for everything,” Ash said quietly. “Through out my life, I’ve lost myself. It was like fate chopped me up and scattered the pieces. But you helped me find the pieces and helped me find myself again. Earlier you called me miraculous, but you’re the miraculous one. You…mean the world to me.” 

Eiji didn’t reply for a long time. Then, barely above a whisper, he said, “For me, ever since we met, you’ve expanded my world. I was a frog in a well before, but after meeting you, it was like I discovered the universe.”

They walked out of the woods and into the strangest sight Ash had ever seen.

It felt like they had casually strolled off the planet and straight into the cosmos. Countless stars speckled the night. The Milky Way curved in the middle of it all to create a cloudy road leading to Heaven. A thin layer of water covered flat terrain as far as the eye could see and perfectly reflected the radiance of the sky.

The only evidence they were still on Earth were their reflections in the water, the solid ground beneath their feet and the distant horizon line where land and sky met. The forest had vanished without a trace and left them behind to ponder the beauty of mysteries.

“Where…where are we?” Ash said, his mouth hanging open.

“The Uyuni Salt Flat in Bolivia,” Eiji said. “It’s the largest salt flat in the world—the remains of a prehistoric lake that dried a long time ago. In the rainy season, calm water covers the salt flat turning it into the world’s largest mirror: At 80 miles wide, nothing even comes close. It’s a dream destination for photographers all over the world. And…it’s been one of my dreams to go here with you.”

“One of your…dreams…” Ash frowned. “Do you think you’ll keep having those dreams you told me about? The ones where you…get hurt?”

“I’m not sure. But I’ll be okay, no, more than okay,” Eiji said, echoing Ash’s earlier words. “In the last dream we shared, you told me to open up to the people in my life which gave me the final push I needed to talk to Sing. After you died, I’ve never been able to talk honestly about my feelings like that. But I think I’m ready for more of those conversations now.

“Thank you for encouraging me to talk. Even now you’re still expanding my world.”

Dozens of shooting stars rained down on Earth all at once in an incredibly rare and intimate display.

The night shined in Eiji’s eyes. “Something really _good_ has happened to you. The old Ash wouldn’t tell people to talk about their feelings and open up. Since we’ve been apart, you’ve had a lot of important experiences, haven’t you?”

A breeze blew Ash’s bangs back, so nothing obscured his face anymore from the countless stars all around him. “Yeah…you could say that. In the Afterlife my friends were so open and real with me; they made _me_ want to be more open and real. So in the end, I was able to talk to my family about things I never told them before. Everyone’s goodness rubbed off on me; I never thought I could be so honest.”  

“I think I know what you mean. Healing is contagious. When someone helps you, you’re able to help someone else, and then they go on to help more people. It’s a good feeling—like a garden of light.”

Their reflections, the solid ground and the horizon line all disappeared. No more mirror. Ash kicked his legs through pure void; he and Eiji truly were floating through the cosmos now.

An artist had reimagined the darkness of space into an experimental canvas. All around them colorful clouds of dust and gas swirled like ink in water. And long ago, a paintbrush had flicked flecks of silver everywhere to form the countless stars. 

Unbridled laughter bubbled out of Eiji’s mouth. “This is amazing! We’re in outer space!”

“You can talk? I can…hear you?” Ash said slowly.

“Ummm…Yes?”

Ash put his hand in front of Eiji’s mouth and nose. “You can breathe fine?” He patted himself down as if to make sure he was all there. “I can breathe fine?”

“Also yes?”

Ash put a hand against Eiji’s forehead. “Your temperature’s fine?” He opened Eiji’s mouth. “Your tongue isn’t boiling?”

Eiji chuckled and brushed Ash’s hands away. “Yes, yes, I’m fine; you’re fine; _we’re both fine._ What are you so worried about?” 

“Like you said, we’re in _outer space_. We shouldn’t be able to talk or even _breathe_. We should be burning or freezing while all the water in our bodies instantly _boils_. How are we _fine_?

“You’re literally a ghost from the Afterlife projecting your soul into my dreams and the first thing you question is being able to breathe in space?”

“Well, yeah! For once the universe isn’t trying to kill us!” Ash paused and said more slowly, “That’s…that’s right…the universe _isn’t_ trying to kill us.” His face held a tender awe. Nothing wanted to hurt them, and nothing bad conspired against them. “And this is…normal.”

“Yes.” Eiji patted Ash’s shoulder and assured him in a way nobody else could.

Together, Ash and Eiji became astronauts exploring the delights of space.

On a burning blue planet, they carved winged cats out of flaming ice that refused to melt. At one orange planet made out of smooth diamond, they slid around in their socks. And on the last dark planet they visited, they crawled around pretending to be cave salamanders as they played Marco Polo.

When Ash and Eiji retired from the astronaut life, they tried many other dazzling career paths in the zero-gravity of space. They borrowed rings from baby Saturns and became acrobats in the greatest show not on Earth. They lassoed comets to ride across the galaxy and transformed into space cowboys. They choreographed epic slow-motion fights and evolved into stunt doubles for the next big blockbuster.

Finally, exhausted from their “work,” they sprawled out on a drifting asteroid.

After several minutes of simply breathing together, Ash gave into a long-held impulse and laid his head on Eiji’s chest. He tensed: ready for Eiji to laugh, call him ‘heavy’ and push him away. Eiji did none of those things to him and petted his head instead. Ash instantly relaxed. 

As Ash snuggled into his new pillow, he couldn’t help but be curious. “Eiji, if you weren’t a photographer, what type of work would you want to do?”

Eiji hummed thoughtfully. “Hmmm…maybe an occupational therapist? They have a lot of freedom and work with many different types of people like a photographer. And I remember how much my occupational therapist supported me after my injury. Helping people move on with their lives both physically and mentally really appeals to me.”

“You would be great at it, though you’re already a great photographer.” 

Eiji waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. “You praise me too much. But how about you? What’s your ideal job?”

“I…don’t know. I spent so much time trying to be free and wanting to be normal, but I never knew what I would do with “normal” once I got it. Because deep down…I didn’t think it was possible.”

Eiji’s fingers combed through Ash’s hair. “It takes a while to figure these things out. And sometimes things just fall naturally into place. As a kid, I never would have thought I would be a photographer, but it happened anyways. So play around with the possibilities. You could do whatever you want, even be an actor or a musician!” Eiji laughed. “You would have so many crazy fans.”

Ash enjoyed the laughter vibrating through Eiji’s chest, but shook his head. “No thanks, I rather be a half-crazy hermit living off of bugs and berries in the woods.”

“Yeah, I could see why you would want a quieter lifestyle…You’re good with numbers, you could be an accountant?”

“Too boring.”   

“You’re good with research. How about a Scientist?”

“Too pretentious.”

“Maybe a journalist? I could even take photos for your articles; we could work on projects together like Max and Ibé-san!”

_It’s a nice image, but with you around I would never get any work done._ “Too much drama.” 

Eiji furrowed his eyebrows and tapped his cheek before his eyes lit up. “Oh, I know! You should be a librarian! It’s a peaceful sort of job where you could be surrounded by books all day. You used to love the library and—” Eiji’s face fell. “But that’s also where you…Sorry… stupid idea, forget I said anything.”

“No, not at all,” Ash said quickly. “I mean, there’s a reason why I chose to go to the library at the very end. Even now I still like the library. I never thought about being a librarian before, but it’s not a bad idea. The only problem is that it’s no longer…”

Their conversation drifted off into the silence of space.

One distant light shined especially bright: The remnants of a long dead star. Many millennia ago, the star had slowly lost its heat. After a long struggle, an inescapable gravity imploded the star’s ancient nuclear core within seconds. But, the star’s essence survived on as the building blocks of stellar nurseries and a traveling light in distant galaxies

“You know,” Eiji suddenly said, “Ibé-san and I went back to New York as soon as we heard that you died. I couldn’t believe it at first. Even after I saw the evidence in front of me, I still searched for you all over New York as if I would find you somewhere if I tried hard enough. Later I refused to go back to Japan, and stayed in New York alone. Even if it hurt, I wanted to feel close to you.”

Ash pressed his ear onto the steady cadence of Eiji’s heartbeat. For a beautiful moment, Ash fantasized about becoming the blood pumping through Eiji’s heart, becoming the electric signals dancing down his nerves and becoming the marrow born in the cradle of his bones. More than anything, Ash fantasized about never needing to leave him again.

Eiji held Ash’s head to his chest. “But at the same time, dealing with the grief tore me apart, so I hid all of your photos and avoided places that made me think of you, but it was all pointless. I still dreamt of you all the time.

“At first I hated the dreams because ever time I woke up and realized you weren’t really there, it was like losing you all over again.” Eiji’s voice broke. “But eventually I embraced the dreams thinking if I couldn’t keep you safe in the real world; at least I could keep you safe in my heart.

“It’s such a strange feeling, like I wanted to run to you and run away from you at the same time, so I ended up not going anywhere.” Crying, Eiji whispered, “I’m sorry I’m such a coward.”

Ash sat up and pulled Eiji up with him. “You did nothing wrong. Instead, I’m the one who did something horrible to you. After I died, I paralyzed you.” Ash cradled Eiji’s cheek. “Eiji, you take awe-inspiring photos: painfully beautiful moments frozen in time. But you aren’t a photo: _You can still move_.”

Suddenly, Ash wasn’t cradling the cheek of young, baby-faced Eiji any longer, but instead present-day Eiji with his long hair, glasses, soft wrinkles and all. 

Still crying, Eiji leaned into Ash’s touch.

Ash wiped away Eiji’s tears. “I made you cry in all the dreams we’ve shared, haven’t I?”

Shaking his head and smiling, Eiji said, “It’s okay, I’ll never stop being a big baby around you anyways.” Stray hairs fell into his face.  

Ash tucked the errant hairs behind Eiji’s ear. “Doesn’t your hair get in the way?”

“Yeah, but I’ve gotten used to it.”

Ash rubbed a stubborn, black strand between his fingers. “If you ever decided to cut it, you would look good with short hair again—I mean it’s not like your long hair _doesn’t_ look good—I mean you’re gorgeous either—” Ash covered his mouth. Nothing remained unspoken today.

Eiji arched his eyebrow. “Oh? You think I’m gorgeous?”

Hell, if Ash was going to be stupid honest today, he might as well commit. “Well, yeah, you’re gorgeous, successful, great at cooking, unbelievably kind—the fact you’re still single blows my mind.” Ash’s insides coiled up, but he couldn’t pull the brake on his flowing words. “You’re such a wonderful person. One day, for sure, you’ll definitely find somebody who—”

Eiji put a finger to Ash’s lips and pulled them both to their feet. “You’ve read Harry Potter before, right? Or at least watched the movies?”

Ash nodded.

“Voldemort split his soul to put it into horcruxes,” Eiji said. “And as a kid, that idea really disturbed me because I couldn’t imagine splitting my soul like that. Even now I feel the same way. I told you before, right? My soul is always with you. That means I can’t share my soul with anyone else.”

Light bubbled inside Ash, but a strange sense of urgency bubbled inside him too. “Eiji, your letter, I never got to respond to it. My soul is always with you too. No matter how far apart we are, I’ll never stop _feeling_ for you.”

Eiji hugged Ash. “This is the last time we can be together like this, isn’t it? You have to go back to the Afterlife soon?”

“Yeah…”

The horizon line, solid ground and their reflections in the water all came back. They once again stood on the world’s largest mirror. When they didn’t notice, they had left the realm of stars and returned to Earth. Though both light and darkness had been so vivid earlier, all the colors now faded slowly into white.

Eiji withdrew from the hug. “I think I’m going to wake up soon.”

“What was that word you taught me for ‘goodbye’ in Japanese?” Ash said. “ _Sayona_ —”

Eiji pinched Ash’s nose: hard.

“Ow! What was that for?”

Eiji narrowed his eyes and repeatedly jabbed his finger into Ash’s chest. His voice dripped with danger. “You. Will. Not. Say. That. Word. To. Me. Ever. Again. UNDERSTOOD?” The mafia was nothing compared to how scary Eiji could be.

For once in his existence, Ash didn’t even think about talking back. “Understood.”

Eiji instantly relaxed. “Good. It’s last minute, but I’m teaching you some new Japanese.” He kissed Ash’s nose. “ _Mata ne._ ”

Ash lightly touched his own nose as if to hold the kiss there. “What does that mean?”

Eiji took Ash’s hand away from his face and linked their hands together. He nuzzled Ash’s nose with his own, withdrew and smiled. “See you soon, Ash.”

As white finished fading out their entire world, Ash squeezed Eiji’s hand one last time. “ _Mata ne_ , Eiji.”

* * *

After Eiji woke up, he had a very full morning: He visited a hair salon, a flower shop and the New York Public Library.

* * *

The empty room Ash went into glowed ethereal white and stretched into infinity. Mirrors covered every surface: the floor, the walls and the ceiling. Ash closed the door behind him, and it instantly disappeared.

As he walked through the room, a countless number of his reflections walked with him through their own mirror worlds.

Death waited in the middle of it all wearing a new appearance. She wore bright red glasses and looked like a university lecturer. Her face was ageless; she could have easily been in her 30s, 40s or 50s, and nobody would have ever known.

In this room, Death had no reflection leaving Ash as the sole center of attention of countless mirrors.

“Aslan, do you believe in the idea of forever?” Death said.

Ash answered carefully. “Why do you ask?”

“There was a human I met once: a teacher who fervently believed in forever. He thought all of existence was one eternal being. To him our perceptions of reality were a lie, motion didn’t exist and change was impossible.

“Today in class we discussed this teacher’s student who created paradoxical mind problems to defend his teacher’s ideas and to prove the idea of infinity. For millennia everyone from mathematicians to philosophers has puzzled over the solutions of these problems.”

“You’re talking about Zeno’s Paradoxes,” Ash said. 

“Yes, and they do make me wonder: Does forever exist or is it a mind game?”

Ash didn’t want to think about forever right now. “If it’s alright with you, can we get to the main event? I don’t want to drag things out longer than I need to.”

“Very well, after much deliberation, we’ve reached our final decision on your Afterlife placement.”

Ash’s palms were damp with sweat.

Death went on. “You’re a truly unique case, so we’ve decided to give you a truly unique option: I’m offering you a job.” 

A gun appeared at Ash’s feet. 

The mirrors’ reflections warped: Each one became a different, monstrous version of Ash killing someone. 

Death nodded to the gun. “When you were alive, you were truly excellent at killing—quick, efficient and objective. Many people who are destined to die run away from me and try to cheat me. Your job would be to end their earthly lives and escort them to the Afterlife.

“Your presence would be concealed, and nobody would know you were their grim reaper.  So, there would be no negative repercussions. And of course, you would be rewarded for completing such important work for us.”

Ash narrowed his eyes. “What would my reward be?”

“A new life and a new identity: You would no longer be restrained by your old karma. You could start over again, enjoy a normal everyday existence and be with the boy you love so much.”

Death ran a hand through her long ponytail. Her eyes flashed. “So, what do you think? You could have what you been yearning for; you only need to kill for me.”

Ash fell to his knees. He had been a fool in trying to seduce Death when she reigned as the most powerful temptress of them all.

“Ultimately, it’s your choice whether to accept or decline the offer,” Death said. “If you do decide to decline, not to worry, we’ll have another option for you.” In the spark in her eyes, Ash would have sworn he saw the fires of Hell.

Ash’s distorted reflections all yelled at him at the same time.

“Do it, take the deal, it’s all you ever wanted on a silver platter!”

“Just do what you’ve been best at since forever and kill!”

“These people are meant to die anyways; you have nothing to feel guilty over!”

A whispering voice below Ash stood out in all the noise. “This isn’t what you want…”

On the mirror Ash kneeled on was the reflection of the little sobbing boy who didn’t make a sound. But the little sobbing boy no longer cried and had found his voice again. He whispered, “You _don’t have to_ go back to that world of guns and violence…This time you have a _choice_ …” 

The distorted reflections kept shouting.

“Why are you hesitating, idiot? You can finally be with Eiji in a way that doesn’t put him in danger!”

“You told Eiji _mata ne_ , you want to keep your promise right?!”

“If you came back into Eiji’s life, you would make him so happy; don’t you want to make him happy?!”

Ash shouted back, “Of course I want to make him happy! But he never wanted me to hold a gun again!” Quieter, he said, “How would I face him everyday knowing that I…”

One of the reflections that looked the most like the usual Ash spoke. “Take Death’s offer. This is your second chance to have the freedom and peace you’ve been _craving_. Even if it hurts killing again, it’ll be _worth it_. To get what you want, sacrifices must be made. You know that better than anyone, right?”

Ash squeezed his eyes shut, shoved his fingers in his ears and shook his head. “I know, I know, give me a minute to _think_.” 

Though Ash had blocked his ears, he could still hear the little boy whispering. “Please, don’t do it, don’t sacrifice yourself again.”

The voices of Ash’s friends and family echoed in his head.

_I didn’t need to become a ghost to punish you because you punished yourself more than I ever could..._

_You got hurt and cried and suffered…_

_Instead of crying for help you only ever cried for ‘more weight'…_

_You’ve always carried more than anyone else…._

_People change, you know…_

_Please, Aslan, no matter where you are, be happy…_

_You’ll always be worth saving, Ash…_

Ash unblocked his ears and opened his eyes. The world had never looked so clear. He planted one foot on the ground, so he still kneeled. “I…I would love to share a new life with Eiji…”

Death perked up. “Does that mean you’ll accept the offer and work with me?”

Ash planted his other foot on the ground and slowly rose up. “But I know Eiji’s strong enough to be happy with or without me.”

Death tilted her head. “May you elaborate?”

“I’m declining your offer.”

All of Ash’s reflections transformed back to his normal, everyday self.

Ash stared at the gun. “If I took the job, it would slowly chip away at me little by little. Even if these people were meant to die anyways, it would show on my face I was out killing everyday. Eiji would know something was wrong, and it would hurt him.

“And besides from Eiji’s feelings, I don’t want to be a killer.” Ash nudged the gun with his foot. “That’s not who I am now, and that’s not who I want to become. It was hard to see while I was alive, but killing people was slowly killing me. Everything I did was slowly killing me. But now…

“…I don’t want to hurt myself anymore!” Ash kicked the gun away with all his might.

The gun broke through one of the glass mirrors, smashing through the room’s illusion of infinity. Beyond the hole the gun made was sky blue. 

Ash’s body shook, but his voice remained steady. “I was wrong before. My life wasn’t less than worthless.”

Mirrors started cracking. 

“I wish I had valued myself more.” 

Countless fractures streaked across the room.

“But it’s not too late. I can still save myself. I’ve always been able to save myself!”

The entire room of mirrors shattered—revealing that it had been in the clouds this whole time.

Glass shards chimed as they broke and fell to earth.

Ash and Death plummeted—following mirror remnants sparkling like stars.

Death’s glasses flew off her face making her expression easy to read: Contemplative and maybe a little sad. “If I had known you felt that way, I would have never offered this kind of job to you. I’ve known humans since the dawn of humanity, and I’m _still_ learning about them. It would have been lovely having your assistance with work, but that’s not my biggest concern now. More than anything, I’m proud: I feel like I just attended your graduation.” 

Instead of being frightening, falling felt like flying.

They landed in a huge rain lily and bounced a few times before coming to a complete stop.    

Splayed out like a starfish on one of the lily’s white petals, Ash stared at the clouds drifting in the sky. “Zeno’s paradoxes about infinity…you know people have already solved them, right?”

Death’s eyes lit up. “We didn’t discuss that in class yet! Is that really true?”

“Yeah, but nobody can agree on a single solution. And to a lot of people the paradoxes are still a mystery…So you’ll have to find your own answer to the question of infinity.”

“I’m…quite fond of your conclusion.”

Ash thought about infinity, fires and forever. “After I go to Hell, please don’t tell Eiji or anyone who asks about me where I am.”

Death blinked. “I beg your pardon?”

“I can accept going to Hell, but if Eiji or anyone else knew, it would hurt them…”

“Wait a moment…You thought that if you declined my offer the other option would be Hell?”

“Yeah…”

Death sighed. “When did I ever say Hell was the alternative?”

Ash’s face scrunched up. “You…never said that…I guess.” 

“Exactly, I suppose you still have much more to learn, but it’s only natural. One should never stop learning after all.”

“So…I’m not burning in Hell for all of time?”

Death shook her head. “No, you’re not sentenced to Hell. Besides, Hell isn’t the inescapable torture pit humans depict it as. The idea of someone being eternally punished for the sins of one lifetime is ludicrous. Souls go to Hell to learn what they didn’t learn in their previous lives and then move onto Reincarnation or whichever Afterlife stage they need next.

“Nobody stays in Hell forever, not even your acquaintances, though I imagine many of them will be there _quite_ a while. After all, some souls need to go to Hell to progress and grow.” Very quietly, Death added, “But you…You’re not one of those souls, Aslan. You’re not a flower of Hell. You’re not meant to bloom there.”

A long silence.

“You’re…weird,” Ash said.

“Why do I have the distinct sensation I’ve heard this before?” Death replied.  

“I don’t get you.”

“I can accept that.”

“But, you’ve taught me a lot.” 

Death froze. “What did you just say?”

“You never made it obvious, but this entire time you been putting me in situations where I could learn what I most needed to on my own. You would nudge me in the right direction, but you would respect my freewill too. Since I met you…I’ve changed for the better. Thanks for being the best teacher I’ve ever had…Professor.”

For a long time, Death said nothing. Ash sat up. “You’re being awfully quiet. What’s—”

Death’s hair covered her eyes. Drops of water fell from her face. “I never thought I could make a difference like that for someone. Did I ever tell you what I was going to school for?”

Ash thought about it. “No, you didn’t.”

Death smiled at Ash with tears streaming down her face. “Education: I’m pursuing my degree in education. My deepest wish is to become a professor.”

* * *

_"So, what happens to me now?”_

_“Well…we have another type of job available if you’re interested…”_

* * *

 

 

> "Somewhere a voice calls in the depths of my heart
> 
> keep dreaming your dreams, don't ever let them part
> 
>  
> 
> Why speak of all your sadness or of life's painful woes
> 
> Instead let the same lips sing a gentle song for you
> 
>  
> 
> The whispering voice, we never want to forget,
> 
> in each passing memory always there to guide you
> 
>  
> 
> When a mirror has been broken, shattered pieces scattered on the ground
> 
> Glimpses of new life, reflected all around
> 
>  
> 
> Window of beginning, stillness, new light of the dawn
> 
> Let my silent, empty body be filled and reborn
> 
>  
> 
> No need to search outside, nor sail across the sea
> 
> Cause here shining inside me, it's right here inside me
> 
>  
> 
> I've found a brightness, it's always with me"
> 
>  
> 
> -“Always With Me” by Youmi Kimura

* * *

  **Next Chapter** **:** A typical day at work, a reunion and a confusing grocery store conversation

*Once again, it might take me a few weeks to crank out the next chapter. It’s our conclusion, so I want to make it as special as possible for y’all! 

*After the epilogue chapter, I’m planning on having a bonus chapter of “The Things He Carried” side stories/vignettes, author commentary and a Banana Fish “Healing Feels” Recommendation List for additional stories to look at to help folks continue their BF healing.

*If anyone has any questions for me about the process of creating this story ask in the comments down below and I’ll answer them in the author’s commentary in that bonus chapter (And unless you tell me not to, I’ll credit your username with your questions).

**Chapter Notes:**

*As I wrote this chapter I thought to myself “Literally all the characters cry in this chapter. Eiji cries. Ash cries. Sing cries. Akira cries (off screen). Death cries. Hell, I’m crying. Maybe it’s a little over the top?” Then I was like "Hell nah, this is Banana Fish! A little over the top can jump out a window!" The ink used to draw the original manga is literally made from tears. They had to issue a flood warning because the MAPPA anime staff were drowning in their own tears. Breaking News: A new ocean has recently been discovered that is mainly comprised of Banana Fish fan tears…and salt. So bring on the tears! We’ll have a pool party! XD

*I’ll like to say that Eiji 100% practices good fire safety even in his dreams. In between games with Ash and the little boy, Eiji put out his fire off screen when it became obvious he couldn’t tend to it properly anymore. Never leave a campfire unattended kids! 

*Confession: While writing this chapter I definitely kept saying “Banana Fish IN SPACE!!!” both in my head and out loud. I am not ashamed. : )

*The fantasy elements were strong in this chapter (Physics in space? What is this PHYSICS you speak of?). But as always I tried to use realistic elements as well (The planets Ash & Eiji visit are based on real planets, etc) in honor of the gritty, realistic tone in the original Banana Fish. 

*Notes on Death: She/He/They? changes gender all the time. Interestingly enough, the souls around Death intuitively know which pronoun to use during a particular day.  

Death 100% had no negative intentions in offering that killer job to Ash. She wasn’t trying to test Ash (though she intuitively knew offering it as a choice and not a demand was important). It was very much a real offer. She also really didn’t know that the idea of killing again would bother Ash so much. Because she’s never been human before, her mind doesn’t comprehend how killing people meant to die may still bother someone.

Most university students who want to become professors study the subject they want to teach. In Death’s case, she wants to be a professor in the field of education (focusing on teaching methodology, learning theories, etc.). She wants to be the teacher of teachers. XD

More notes on Death in a future chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References in this Chapter (For geeks and nerds who love to learn):
> 
> 1.) For those who don’t know, Eiji saying “Bop it! Twist it! Pull it!” is a reference to the popular 1990s toy [Bop it!](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bop_It)
> 
> 2.) A book reference! How I missed you! Ash hugging himself after facing his past is a reference to the young adult novel [Full Tilt](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/163919.Full_Tilt) by Neal Shusterman. Great book: Surreal with very strong character moments. 
> 
> 3.) An Egyptian mythology reference! When Ash talked about fate chopping him up/ scattering the pieces and Eiji finding the pieces, this is a reference to [the Egyptian god Osiris.](https://www.ancient.eu/osiris/) He was killed and later cut into pieces/scattered everywhere by his jealous brother Set. But Osiris’ wife, Isis, found the scattered pieces of her husband and revived him, giving him new life as the god/judge of the dead. Both Ash and Osiris prematurely died, are depicted as very handsome, and you can associate both of them with the Phoenix. Oh, and both of them have an extremely devoted wife. XD
> 
> 4.) [The Uyuni Salt Flat in Bolivia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salar_de_Uyuni) is indeed a real place you can visit. When Ash and Eiji visit Uyuni, I imagine it looked something like [this.](https://www.rutaverdebolivia.com/wp-content/uploads/estrellas_Uyuni_k.jpg)
> 
> 5.) During Ash’s and Eiji’s space adventure they were in the nearby [Orion Nebula](https://youtu.be/07dve0EnUX8) which is a highly photographed stellar nursery. 
> 
> 6.) If you free floated in space without any protection [many horrible things would happen to you.](https://www.businessinsider.com/what-happens-to-a-human-body-in-space-2015-3) Instant fainting from oxygen deprivation, crazy burns and radiation, boiling blood and tongues, etc. Yet, interestingly enough, no exploding heads. YOU LIED TO ME HOLLYWOOD! XD
> 
> 7.) The strange and beautiful planets Ash and Eiji explore are based on [these real planets](https://medium.com/@Ella_alderson/top-5-strangest-and-most-terrifying-planets-in-the-universe-ace289402c76).
> 
> 8.) A double reference?! What is this madness?! Our boys playing as space cowboys is a reference to the classic 1990s anime Cowboy Bebop (which ended each episode with “See You Space Cowboy…”). AND it’s also a reference to the title of the 1960s movie Midnight Cowboy which was a heavy influence on the creator of Banana Fish. Read about what she has to say about this movie in [this fascinating interview.](https://rainfall.dreamwidth.org/109564.html)
> 
> 9.) Ash laying his head on Eiji’s chest is based on [this](https://otakushewrote.files.wordpress.com/2018/06/banana-fish-maurice.jpg?w=644&h=458&zoom=2) official art by Yoshida-sensei.
> 
> 10.) [Read about the beautiful death of stars and supernovas here!](https://www.nationalgeographic.com/science/space/universe/supernovae/)
> 
> 11.) For people who aren’t familiar with the Harry Potter books, the soul-splitting is a reference to the [6th Harry Potter book by J.K. Rowling](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/1.Harry_Potter_and_the_Half_Blood_Prince?from_search=true) (and the 7th one too I suppose).
> 
> 12.) There are many ways to say something along the lines of "See you soon/See you again” in Japanese. Mata ne is used in this story because Mata means “again” in Japanese. And I’m 100% certain that Eiji would want to emphasize the AGAIN part with Ash. No more of this [Sayonara bull crap](https://japantoday.com/category/features/lifestyle/say-sayonara-to-sayonara-70-of-japanese-dont-use-this-word-for-goodbye-anymore). XD
> 
> 13.) [Infinity Mirror Rooms](https://www.cbc.ca/arts/12-places-where-you-can-find-a-yayoi-kusama-infinity-mirror-room-right-now-1.4893108) are real places you can visit!
> 
> 14.) [Parmenides and Zeno’s Paradoxes](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zeno%27s_paradoxes)
> 
> 15.) Death telling Ash he is “not a flower of Hell” is a reference to “Flower of Hell” by Eiko Shimamiya. It’s the [second opening song](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4_I-qWpJcQ) of the anime Higurashi: When They Cry. This anime and Banana Fish are very different, but share a dark tone and tragic characters. Highly recommended!  
> Y'all sending me kudos, comments and just taking the time to read this means so much to me. Thank you for sticking with me for so long. See y’all soon! :)


	7. Epilogue (Worthy)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Author’s Note: The first words of this chapter is “80 years later…” It literally feels like 80 years since I published the previous chapter. A weird mix of perfectionism and volunteering responsibilities stopped me from publishing this final epilogue chapter till now. 
> 
> For those sweet, sweet souls who waited patiently for me, I give both hearty apologies and hearty thanks. 
> 
> **In other news: I am incredibly honored and humbled to announce that this story now has a [Japanese Translation](https://www.pixiv.net/novel/show.php?id=11119359). Translation on pixiv by the insanely talented and diligent *Penguin.* 
> 
> This chapter’s theme/mood song is “I’ve Got My Love to Keep Me Warm” by Irving Berlin. 
> 
> Beautiful orchestra music (no vocals) of [ “I’ve Got My Love to Keep Me Warm” over here.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l2O8gzeGSfg) Performance by Les Brown and His Orchestra. 
> 
> “I Got My Love to Keep Me Warm” lyrics here.
> 
> “I can't remember a worse December  
> Just watch those icicles form!  
> Oh, what do I care if icicles form?  
> Oh, I've got my love to keep me warm”

_80 years later…_  

In the quiet office, Ash’s fingers furiously tapped across the keyboard. He had been on the same email for the last _3 hours_ because he kept getting interrupted. 

As if on cue, rushed stomping in the outside hallway rapidly approach him. “AAAssshhh!!!”

Ash swiveled his chair around just as the office door burst open. His “May I help you, _Debbie_?” sounded less like a polite question and more like a threat.

Debbie, one of Ash’s coworkers at the Afterlife Archives, babbled as she scrambled over to him. “Oh my gosh Ash! Come quick! That one crazy official is gonna burn down the library if he doesn’t get a signed copy of _Fahrenheit 451_ within 5 minutes!”

Another coworker drenched in smelly, purple slime sprinted into the office. “Ash, we’re in trouble! Those demon roaches escaped from Hell _again_. They’re eating all the books in _19 th Century Poets_!”

Three more coworkers rushed in.  

“Ash! The department head needs our Medieval Torture References delivered to her immediately, but nobody knows where her office flew to!”

“Ash! We can’t accept the new shipment of hula dancing sharks until you sign the paperwork!”

“Oh, hey, Ash, you don’t seem busy right now. Can you spell check our anime night flyer?”

Taking off his glasses, Ash sighed—deep and slow. 

He bolted out of his chair. “God damn it!”

He scanned the flyer and threw it back at his coworker. “Steven, we’re feeding the kids snacks not snakes!” He scribbled his signature on the form. “Get someone else to sign off on this crap next time!” He snatched the reference list out of his other coworker’s hands. “Screw this! _I’ll_ get the crazy, old bat her references!”

Ash shot out of the room. “While I’m at it, I’ll kick those roaches straight back to Hell!”

Debbie waved her arms urgently. “Oh my gosh, Ash! Library-Fire-Bad! What do we do?”

“Tell him, he’ll get his freakin’ book in 3 minutes!”

Ash tapped his feet together twice. His loafers transformed into hovering spiked skates. With practiced ease, he power skated through the air past book shelves and startled library patrons.

He made a quick call on his watch. “Hey Ray? It’s Ash. No time to explain. Can you sign a copy of _Fahrenheit 451_ and spirit it over to the front desk of the Afterlife Archives right now? Thanks, I owe you one.”

A triceratops in a tiny ascot waved at him as he skated by. “Hey, where do y’all keep _50 Shades of Grey_?”

Without slowing down, Ash skated backwards to reply. “Back of the 4th floor, next to _Feminist Literary Criticism_.”

In a minute, Ash found the department head’s office hanging upside down from the ceiling; its bat wings were wrapped around itself as if it was sleeping. He slipped the references through the office door’s mail slot. A note in elegant cursive hung above it: _Ohhohoho! Congratulations on finding me, but it won’t be so easy next time!_

As Ash scowled at the note, the office unfurled its huge wings and flew away.

When Ash arrived at _19 th Century Poets_, a swarm of toddler-sized roaches had already infested the place. Some nibbled on books, others chased librarians, while one created a surprisingly intricate cottage out of tables and chairs. Scattered puddles of purple roach slime reeked like vomit.

Retching, Ash covered his mouth and nose. He ducked behind a bookshelf, closed his eyes and gave himself a moment to lean against the books. Being dead wasn’t necessarily easier than being alive. He still dealt with messy situations constantly. 

Not letting himself rest for too long, Ash sprung into action.

Splat! Slish! Schwak! Ash sliced roaches with his skate blades. “It’s the same thing every week. You guys never learn!”

The roaches scattered. Several tried to squeeze through wall crevices and under bookshelves until Ash kicked their heads off. “Go to Hell and stay there!”

One decapitated roach grabbed its head and laughed. “Haha, I don’t know why you even bother. We can’t die, so we’ll _always_ come back.” 

Ash made a show out of stroking his chin. “Hmmm, good point. Instead of fighting we should get along. For your next visit I’ll even prepare a gift.” He grinned. “A homemade bug spray: Do you want to hear about what’s in it?”

Screeching, all the roaches scurried into dark portals and disappeared.

Drenched in purple slime, Ash sighed. At least the smell didn’t bother him anymore. He double tapped his skates back into his leather loafers. Human-sized cleaning shrimp rushed into _19 th Century Poets_ to eat the purple slime and tidy up the destruction. One of them took a few seconds to whisk away all traces of bug slime off of Ash and even fixed his hair.

Slowly, Ash made his way back to the office: He returned a few misplaced books, pulled up karma records for a tricky Afterlife placement case and helped a humble pig discover what had happened to his spider friend who had died before him. Business as usual at the library. 

He also stopped by a bathroom sink. The Cleaning Shrimp had done a great job, but had missed a spot on his nametag. And Ash always kept his nametag immaculate.

80 years ago, after Ash had accepted Death’s offer to become an Afterlife Archives librarian, he had filled out a lot of paperwork. One particular question on the forms had stalled him for 20 minutes: _What name would you like written on your nametag?_

Since Ash could remember, people had labeled him as whatever they wanted. Despite all the strange things to happen to him in the Afterlife, perhaps the strangest was to suddenly have the privilege of _choosing_ what people called him.  

When he had finally put pen to paper, his hand shook, but his answer had been written in bold, clear writing.

With his nametag carefully washed and dried, Ash strolled out of the bathroom.

 _Ash Callenreese_ shined on his chest like it usually did.  

For published papers in academia and university graduation, _Ash Jade Callenreese_ made public appearances as well. _Aslan_ remained shy and unknown to most of the world, but was deeply treasured nonetheless.    

Ash hadn’t been called _Lynx_ in decades.

Finally, he made it back to the office and opened the door.  

“SURPRISE!”

Ash jumped back, startled.

Two of his coworkers held a cake while the others threw confetti or waved colorful presents. As a choir of about 20 of his coworkers sang Happy Birthday off-key, Ash came to two extraordinary, yet utterly mundane realizations.

1.) He had forgotten it was his birthday.

2.) He had been caught off guard.

His old self never would have relaxed enough to allow these mental slip-ups to happen, but nowadays they weren’t uncommon. The sense of safety in his daily life still amazed him.

Ash blew out his candles. The wispy candle smoke, the smiling faces of people he had known for decades, the decadent scent of chocolate—all of it seemed so idyllic to him, he didn’t believe it was real. He could only stare at the strangeness all around him, speechless. He suddenly felt very small.

Steven jutted his thumb at Ash. “Look at his reaction—not into the dark chocolate _at all_. See, I was right; He’s a fruit cake sort of—”

“Be quiet, Steven,” Debbie hissed. She turned to Ash, frowning. “You don’t look very happy. Was the party a bad idea?”

“No, it’s just that—” Ash covered his mouth. His voice was a lot higher-pitched than usual. He had felt small, because he _was_ small—maybe 10 or 11 years old. All of his coworkers now towered over him and exchanged concerned looks with one another.  

Ash took a deep breath. Even now finding words for his feelings didn’t come naturally. “The cake and party are fine…” Ash turned away. “It’s just that…I’ve never had a birthday party before.

“My previous life was…messy in a lot of ways, so I overlooked my birthday most of the time. And in the Afterlife, only a few people know my birthday. So I appreciate this party, and I…appreciate all of you.”

All of Ash’s coworkers stared at him with wide eyes—not believing their ears. Someone dropped the metal cake server. It clanged loudly against tile flooring.

Ash’s cheeks heated up, and he pushed out his next words all in one breath. “I-know-I-seem-irritated-at-everybody-all-the-time-but-I-actually-feel-incredibly-lucky-to-be-here-with-all-of-you.”

Exhaling, Ash avoided looking at anyone.

Debbie squealed. “Oh my gosh, Ash, come here, ya big softie.” She pulled him into a tight hug and spun him around. “Underneath your grumpiness, you’re such a sweetheart. You’re like the cute little brother I never had. I’ve always thought so!” She abruptly let him go and rubbed her neck. “Oh sorry, I should have asked first before hugging you randomly like that. I wasn’t thinking.”

Ash saw nothing but genuine affection in Debbie’s eyes and in the eyes of his coworkers. Fear, anger and lust were easy for him to deal with. But he still didn’t know how to respond to softer emotions directed at him. His throat tightened; he spoke quietly to make his wavering voice less obvious. “It’s okay…Hugs are…” Memories of dark hair and familiar warmth. “Nice.”   

Suddenly, Ash found himself in the middle of a giant group hug—squeezed on all sides by his coworkers. Their soft, warm voices surrounded him.

“Happy Birthday, Ash.”

“We’re so glad you’re here with us.”  

“Ash, you inspire me everyday.”

“Thank you for being born.”

“We love you, Ash.”

Ash hoped he still had time to make his birthday candle wish. He wished that all unborn babies came out into the world hearing voices like this; he wished that before those babies could even recognize faces properly, they recognized the love all around them.     

Unable to convey the depths of his feelings, he sputtered, “I—I said hugs are nice, not that you monkeys could swarm me all at once!” Despite the words coming out of his mouth, he smiled and closed his eyes.

After several seconds, one of his eyes twitched open. “Wait a minute, if all of us are here, who’s on the floor with the library patrons?”

Steven’s sheepish voice replied first. “Well, about that, nobody wanted to miss your surprise birthday party, so we figured the patrons could…look after themselves for a while.”

“We’re constantly on the brink of disaster, and you’re saying the library patrons could look after themselves?” Ash said slowly.

“Umm…yes?”

A distant explosion boomed and shook dust from the ceiling.

Ash reverted back to his normal age and size. “All of you get back to work…” When nobody moved, he shot his best death glare. “NOW!”

As if woken from a trance, everyone rushed about returning to their stations.

“But we didn’t eat the cake or see you open the presents yet,” Steven wailed.

“Worry about that later! Work comes first!”

* * *

After things quieted down and Ash finally finished his email, he took a late, but extended lunch break.

Across from the library, Ash visited a convenience store to get a sandwich. At the cash register, he browsed the boon tickets sold next to the lottery tickets. Afterlife inhabitants bought boon tickets to trigger minor, beneficial events for those still in the Living World.

The most commonly bought boon tickets were “Feeling Happy for No Reason” and “Extra Luck in a Dangerous Situation.” Tickets were crazy expensive and couldn’t do anything big like make someone rich. But Ash bought them all the time anyways.

He enjoyed buying tickets for people he knew. He enjoyed buying tickets for strangers too, especially for abused children and for people with family away at war. Most of all, he enjoyed buying tickets for Eiji.

Ash had been tempted many times to visit Eiji again as a ghost or at least watch him from the Afterlife. But in the end, Ash never did. The two of them really did live in different worlds now. It couldn’t be healthy for them to be so fixated with one another. So, Ash kept his distance, believing Eiji could find his own happiness.

But that didn’t stop Ash from occasionally working 96 hour shifts to buy more tickets (Sleeping and eating in the Afterlife were luxuries, not requirements). He appreciated how the tickets let him help people he cared about, even if they were far away.  

For Eiji, Ash normally bought “Good Dreams” or “Heartfelt Conversation” tickets. But oddly enough, Ash knew Eiji wouldn’t need any extra help today.  

Instead, Ash bought his sandwich and “Extra Affection” for the next baby born in the Living World and moved on with his day.

At a nearby park, he found a cozy lunch spot: A picnic table surrounded by familiar trees he felt drawn to, but couldn’t quite identify. After sitting, he scanned his surroundings. Nobody was around. From his wallet, Ash pulled out a worn, trimmed postcard. At first, he had hesitated over cutting Eiji’s pole vaulting postcard. But luckily, he had bought 4 other copies of it.

The day he started his job as a librarian, he had found the postcards in his pocket. He had been so shocked he still had the pole vaulting postcards he had bought in Eiji’s dream that he had made the mistake of asking Death about it. Death had gone on a 10 minute rant about “soul pockets,” “will power” and “malleable metaphysics” causing Ash to walk out of the room (Death had kept talking even after that).

After a rough day, Ash would pull out a postcard to stare at Eiji’s face for a bit. And once in a while, when Ash’s apartment felt too big for one person, he would chat with Eiji too.

He would tell Eiji about his day and his feelings. And Eiji being the good listener he was—even as a postcard—would make Ash feel better by the end of it all.

He caressed the postcard one last time and tucked it away in his wallet.

Ash enjoyed his time in the Afterlife, he really did.

Librarian work stressed him out, but left him deeply satisfied. And school work kept him busy, but energized him too (Currently, he was having fun picking out his dissertation topic for his 8th PhD).

His personal life thrived too. He liked doing escape rooms with his friends on the weekends. Once in a while he dropped by the diner to discuss menu ideas with Jennifer and his dad. When his mom crossed over to the Afterlife, they began a monthly tradition where they met up to eat breakfast burritos at 3pm. He even took art classes with Griff (Their last class where they made mosaic bowls out of broken glass was particularly fulfilling). 

The established routines, peaceful moments and even daily annoyances he had now were all part of an everyday existence he cherished.

Yet…

A subtle kind of emptiness dwelled in his chest— the persistent ache of missing someone. Ash couldn’t hate the ache though: There was sweetness to it he almost enjoyed.

Was it okay for him to enjoy his life so much?

His eyelids felt heavy, so he laid his head on the table and allowed sleep to visit him.   

The banquet hall in Ash’s dream was huge yet empty: long abandoned by old gods. Upon an endlessly long table was a feast on fire—each plate of food crackling and blazing. The fire, no longer an out-of-control inferno, did not spread.

At the head of the table, a lynx kitten wearing a familiar crown of steel and smoke sat in a throne-like chair. The crown kept slipping over its eye—too large for the lynx kitten to wear easily.  

Ash sat next to the lynx. He idly glanced around the room as if he was browsing a dilapidated shop from his childhood on the verge of shutting down. “Haven’t had a nightmare in a long-ass time. I see my subconscious is as cliché as usual.”

The lynx kitten growled at him. “Your day-to-day peace is a lie. Wait and see; it’ll fall apart before you know it.”

Ash absently stirred a flaming cup of wine with a fork. “It’s a possibility; I’ve always known that. But…when shit hits the fan, I know I can handle it.” He withdrew the fork from the wine glass and calmly examined it; the fork tines now burned.   

The lynx kitten leapt onto the table and roared. “It’s lucky you haven’t been around Eiji in decades. You ruin everything good and whole that comes your way!”

Ash waved the fork around extinguishing the fire. “You also said I’ll go to Hell and never escape and that didn’t happen. Has it ever occurred to you that you could be _wrong_?” He blew out the remaining smoke on the tines and tossed the fork aside.

Howling, the lynx kitten sunk his fangs into Ash’s arm. “Your coworkers, your family, your friends, you don’t deserve any of them! You don’t deserve to be happy!”

Wincing, Ash smiled. “Wow, after all these years, you still have some bite left in you. Impressive.” 

“Stop patronizing me!”

Ash shook his head. “I can’t believe I ate up all the bull shit you fed me for so long.” He leaned in close to the lynx kitten’s face. “Let’s get one thing straight here. You. Can’t. Control. Me. Anymore. Got it?”

The lynx kitten narrowed its eyes, let go of Ash’s arm and gracefully jumped back onto the table. Still looking regal despite the oversized crown, he sauntered away from Ash. “Don’t get so uppity with me. Killer, whore, scum, nothing you do can ever erase your past.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Pausing mid-step, the lynx kitten turned around.

Staring at the bite marks in his arm, Ash said, “There’s no point in hiding or running away. All those things I did back then will always be a part of me. Just like how _you’ll_ always be a part of me.”

“You’re not going to try and kill me off?”

Ash slowly reached out his hand and patted the lynx kitten’s head. “No, because you’re important. To deny that would be lying, and I’m done lying to myself.”

The lynx kitten scowled, but accepted the petting. “Tsk, you’re so boring now.”

Ash gave the lynx kitten a wry smile. “Maybe, but a long time ago I learned that whenever I’m honest with myself, good things come my way.”  

A loud notification ding pulled Ash from his dream. As he rubbed his eyes, he checked his phone. He had a text from Death.

 

> **Dork Master:**
> 
> _Aslan, once again I’ll like to express my_
> 
> _utmost appreciation for the unicorn stickers_
> 
> _you’ve bestowed upon me. : ) When I catch_
> 
> _sight of them, they make me feel like_
> 
> _something good will happen soon!_
> 
> _< 3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3   _
> 
> 2:57 PM - SMS
> 
> _Which reminds me, merry tidings are_
> 
> _heading your way: An old friend is_
> 
> _coming to visit!_
> 
> 2:58 PM - SMS

By now it had been 80 years since Ash had visited the Living World as a ghost, so most of his loved ones and friends already resided in the Afterlife. But some stragglers remained in the Living World too.

Who could be visiting him now? Could it be Akira or Michael dropping by to say hello? Could it be his younger brother that he never got to meet? Or could it be…

An ancient man sat next to Ash at his table. He wore glasses and had a head as smooth and bald as a baby’s. His face was friendly and round—sharp edges sanded down by time. The serenity of coming home after a long journey still lived in his smile. A soulful fire continued burning in his doe eyes.  

Though spring had come and gone long ago, April flowers now bloomed on all the surrounding trees. Within seconds, light green leaves gave way to bright pink petals—revealing the trees to be cherry blossom trees all along.

Countless petals fell—fluttering, swirling and tumbling through the air—each one making its own unique path to earth. 

One petal ended its travels in the small space between Ash and the ancient man. In the next life, the petal would dream of becoming a bridge between worlds.

To make his shaking less obvious, Ash leaned his cheek against one of his hands and huffed. “Jeez, you sure took your time, you old geezer.”

The ancient man’s smile grew. “I missed you too, Ash. Thank you for waiting for me.”

“Yeah, well, how are you going to make it up to me?” Ash said, barely containing a grin. 

The ancient man laughed. “I’m sure I’ll think of something. We have all the time in the world now, don’t we?”

* * *

_50 years later…_

Ash and Eiji were having their usual Sunday brunch when the inciting incident occurred. That day they chose to be the ages from when they first met. For breakfast they had their traditional mix of Japanese and American dishes.

Eiji buttered his toast. “Ash, are we married?” he said as if asking about the weather.

If Ash’s voice was squeakier than usual, he could blame it on the fact that he was still waking up. “You never asked before, why are you asking now?”

Nibbling on his toast, Eiji said, “I bumped into Mrs. Coleman and Mrs. Owen while grocery shopping. I don’t remember how it came up, but they asked if we were married, and I wasn’t sure how to respond.”

Ash sipped at his coffee to hide his face with the mug. “Nosy old ladies asking stupid questions,” he mumbled. “Anyways, speaking of grocery stores,” he said louder. “Did you get octopus for _takoyaki_ tonight?”

“Yeah, but it was so expensive, next time we should substitute octopus with squid and—”

“No squid.” 

“But why? Squid is cheaper, they’re so similar and—”

“ _No squid_.” Banana men tossing fish and chanting gibberish echoed in Ash’s head. 

“Right then…” Eiji said, willing to let it go. “But hey, if we’re making demands now, I got one for you too. I said it once, and I’ll say it a million times: I’m not your maid! Stop leaving your underwear on the floor!”

Ash smirked. “You weren’t complaining when they were on the floor last night.”   

Eiji covered his face with a hand and shook his head. “I don’t know how I put up with you.” Despite trying to hide it with exasperation, Eiji’s fire hydrant red blush peaked out from behind his hand.  

For once Ash decided to have mercy on his poor, poor Eiji, so he changed the subject. “Oh, hey, did you ever decide what ages you wanted us to be in the talent show?”

“I’m still not sure…You’re charming in your early 40s, but that’s when you start getting your lower back problems too. I think you’re great at any age, so I’m fine with whatever you decide. But how about me? You wanted me to be 28, right?” Eiji grinned. “You’ve always been especially fixated on me whenever I’m 28.” 

“Am not…Don’t make stuff up…” Ash said weakly. He had been a fool to attempt mercy with Eiji. If Ash was vengeful, Eiji was _twice_ as bad.

Ash smacked the table with his hand. “Wait a minute, if we’re going to talk about being “fixated” here, what about all your photos of me? And why am I changing my clothes or running around half naked in so many of them?”

Eiji sputtered indignantly. “How—how am I supposed to help it if you’re a dumb American who wanders around in his underwear?”  

“You’re a dumb American too; you got your citizenship a looong freakin’ time ago, _Mr. Pervert_.”

“If _I’m_ a pervert, what about _you_ and those post cards of me you’ve been ogling for decades?”

“I hid them so carefully. How did you know?!”      

Eiji grinned. “I didn’t. I only had my suspicions. You just confirmed them.” 

Ash covered his face and sighed. “Well played.” Sneaky, cute bastard.

Eiji patted Ash’s hand. “I learned from the best.”

They chatted and bantered like they normally did for the rest of breakfast—all marriage talk put on hold.

The two of them had been living together in the Afterlife for 50 years. Today they took on the ages of when they had first met, because they both had a soft spot for that era. But the both of them also liked to bounce around their ages and experiment.

Eiji especially enjoyed making himself 35 and taking care of 7-year-old Ash. He would wrap Ash in a blanket like a newborn and do _everything_ for him. Hand-feeding him snacks, toting Ash around wherever Ash wanted to go and pulling up all of Ash’s favorite shows on Netflix as they cuddled.

At first Ash had found this sort of pampering acceptable yet weird. But Eiji had explained this fatherly, overly indulgent behavior one day.

 _“I always wished I could go back in time and protect the younger you. Especially the 7-year-old boy you introduced to me to in that dream. It was such a vulnerable time for you…On the other hand, I like making myself 35 because that was when_ New York Sense _came out and when my niece was born. At that time I was the most confident in myself as an adult and someone who could take care of others. It’s okay if you think it’s weird and don’t want to have that huge age difference anymore…”_

Hell, if Ash was honest, he loved the pampering. Over time, this age combination became a Monday night tradition. Because Mondays sucked in both the Living World or the Afterlife and a little extra care went a long way.

For Ash, he had a secret preference for having them both be “old geezers” for an entire day. They would sit in their patio rocking chairs outside and do nothing all day but stare at the bird feeders. Ash would sometimes slip his bony hand covered in spider veins into Eiji’s dry, leathery one and they would simply smile while holding hands all day.

After finishing breakfast, Eiji gathered Ash up in his arms and princess-carried him. Even after five decades of living together, the action never failed to heat up Ash’s face.

“I have legs. I could walk,” Ash murmured.

“I know,” Eiji said, heading to the living room. “But I like carrying you.”

“I’m not heavy?”

Eiji smiled and held Ash tighter. “No, and even if you weighted a ton that would just mean I needed to hit the gym…Because I’ll always want to carry you.”

“Yeah?” Ash leaned his head against Eiji’s shoulder.

“Yeah.” Eiji kissed Ash’s forehead and put the needle on their record player.  

A jazzy “I’ve Got My Love to Keep Me Warm” from the 1930s crooned through out the house. 

“Can I lead this time?” Ash said.

Eiji nodded and lowered Ash to his feet. Ash took Eiji’s hand in his own and placed his other hand on Eiji’s back. Eiji’s second hand rested comfortably on Ash’s shoulder. 

_Quick. Quick. Slow. Slow._

Perfectly in sync, they gently stepped to the music. Ash led Eiji in smooth, flowing motions— turning their humble living room into the grandest of ballrooms.

“Oh I just remembered,” Eiji said. “I got jogging club tomorrow morning. Do you want to come with?”

Ash snorted. “And wake up before the ass crack of dawn to get all sweaty? No thanks.”

Eiji grinned. “After all this time, you’re still a total princess about your beauty rest huh?”

“Oh yeah? I got book club tomorrow night. You wanna join?”

“And sleep at 3am after arguing with a bunch of dead philosophers? No thanks.”

Ash grinned back. “After all this time, you still sleep like a total baby huh?”    

They started cracking up at the same time; their laughter mixing with the jaunty music.

At some point, Ash being called a princess and Eiji being called a baby weren’t only insults, but terms of endearment as well. As in Eiji saying, “Yeah, I know I got work early tomorrow, but I don’t care. Lay down so I can massage your feet; I gotta take care of my princess, you know?” As in Ash saying, “Hey Baby, can you bring me more shampoo? Thanks.”

Long after the music stopped, the pair still danced.

Though Ash and Eiji had different jobs and hobbies, they took dance lessons together. And even when they didn’t, they would always come back together to sway in their living room.

Eiji smiled with the stars in his eyes leaving Ash breathless.

Three little words would itch at Ash’s throat at times like this.

But they never came out. Even though Eiji said them a long time ago (multiple times in fact), Ash couldn’t say it. It frustrated him to no end.

Suddenly, Ash scooped Eiji up in his arms

Laughing, Eiji said, “Whoa, what’s this about?”

“I’ll always want to carry you too,” Ash said solemnly.  

“I’m glad.” Eiji wrapped his arms around Ash’s neck.

Ash wasn’t sure if Eiji knew what he meant. Turning away, Ash said, “I don’t want you getting confused at the grocery store again.”

“Hmm, what do you mean?”

Ash felt like he about to free dive off a waterfall. But he needed to say this like he needed breathe. Ash murmured, “I don’t want nosy, old ladies asking you stupid questions anymore…so let’s get rings tomorrow.”

A new reading for the _Eiji Blush Meter_ was recorded: Sunrise pink.

The stars in Eiji’s eyes were replaced with a single star: The early morning sun—soft and warm. His cheeks became coral clouds. And his smile became a boundless sky to fly into.

When he finally found his words again, Eiji replied, “That…sounds like a mighty fine idea.” 

* * *

*Later when Ash and Eiji told Shorter the good news, Shorter was all like “Dafaq, I thought y’all tied the knot like 138 years ago? Congratulations, I guess?”

* * *

 “Off with my overcoat, off with my glove

I need no overcoat, I'm burning with love!

My heart's on fire, the flame grows higher

So I will weather the storm!

What do I care how much it may storm?

Oh, I've got my love to keep me warm”

-“I’ve Got My Love to Keep Me Warm” by Irving Berlin. 

**Author’s Note:**

The most precious gift you can give someone is your time. So from the bottom of my heart, a big big thank you to all of y’all who read this to the very end. I'm so happy we got to share this time together. And I wish you all rich, meaningful lives full of love. 

 **Next Chapter(?) / The Future:** Well, folks, that’s all for now. I may or may not do that bonus chapter with the vignettes/author’s commentary. As much as I love the world of this story, I also enjoy the idea of leaving some things as a mystery.

But this isn’t a permanent goodbye! Later this year (probably in the Autumn when I have more time), I’m planning on releasing another Banana Fish story. A supernatural AU with strong flavors of mythology and some hints of science.

 

**Chapter Notes:**

***** Ash works in the Afterlife Archives’ “Support Department”; they help out all the other departments and do a little bit of everything. At the time of the epilogue, Ash informally has an assistant manager/assistant department head role at work. When Ash first started working at the library he 100% thought he would get fired because his people skills sucked. (He lost his temper with library guests VERY often).

But…he’s amazing at research, finding things nobody else could and security support. His new ideas have also changed the library for the better. He intimidates many of his coworkers, but they all appreciate him and find him extremely reliable. He’s a pillar of his work community, but it takes him years to realize this because he thought everyone hated him.

Occasionally, a library guest will recognize him as “Ash Lynx,” but nobody believes that the notorious Ash Lynx settled down and became a librarian of all things, so everyone assumes it’s a different blond, green-eyed Ash working at the library. After Ash started working at the Afterlife Archives, library attendance has steadily increased for various reasons. Library guests, especially teenage girls, call him the “hot but mean librarian.” 

*The “Support Department” head has a very hands-off, laissez faire approach to her employees. Partly to give them the freedom to grow/learn on their own and partly because she enjoys long, extended vacations to the Bahamas. She likes to constantly move her office to force her librarians to find her. Partly to train them in finding difficult-to-find things (an important skill for a librarian) and partly because she enjoys their misery—she has some troll blood in her on her mother’s side.

*Other library departments and even other Afterlife organizations keep trying to steal Ash for their own, but Ash declines every time. Despite his outward attitude, he likes his job and his department a lot. He enjoys the variety. And he often finds himself taking on detective-like work and cases of “lost information” nobody else could solve. His nickname in certain circles is “Seeker of the Lost” The Support Department head has been subtlety grooming him to take over her position for years; he just doesn’t realize it yet.

*I 100% believe that Ash & Eiji totally would live together for 50 years and never bother labeling their relationship.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References in this Chapter (For geeks and nerds who love to learn):
> 
> 1.) Threatening to burn down a library to get a copy of [Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fahrenheit_451) is a bizarre sentiment. 
> 
> 2.) “We’re feeding the kids snacks not snakes!” is based off of a [real](https://www.teenvogue.com/story/pflugerville-texas-library-viral-anti-prom-event-snacks-snakes) library event typo. 
> 
> 3.) The placement of the Afterlife Archive’s [50 Shades of Grey collection by E.L. James](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fifty_Shades_of_Grey) is…interesting. 
> 
> 4.) [Charlotte’s Web by E.B. White](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charlotte%27s_Web) is a well-loved children’s classic. Though Banana Fish and Charlotte’s Web are incredibly different, they both share themes of innocence, death and love. The heart of both stories also feature an unlikely friendship between two very different main characters: a “pretty” and “clever” killer with a bad reputation paired with a tender-hearted innocent. If you enjoyed the pure, loving and genuine friendship between Ash & Eiji, I highly recommend Charlotte’s Web. 
> 
> 5.) The escape room theme park mentioned is a [real place.](http://www.bodaborg.com/what-is-boda-borg/) It’s a really interesting concept, like real life “questing” or a real life video game. 
> 
> 6.) New York Sense is the photography book Eiji published when he was 35. It a real book and features many beautiful photos of Ash and other friends. It’s quite lovely! 
> 
> 7.) The concept of Eiji wrapping up a young Ash in a blanket and babying him is based on [this meme](https://external-preview.redd.it/Mw-iQOMtUNDQCiTbs7sla3zqQjGDVmFuSc-SgWvi71I.jpg?auto=webp&s=314d1f8bbb0848b88837454cf3d3af1348eacffd) I saw long ago. 
> 
> **I’ve had some really nice chats with people on this website, but unfortunately having long conversations is difficult with the way it’s set up. If anyone wants to PM me or yell at me about Banana Fish, you can find me on reddit
> 
> [here.](https://www.reddit.com/user/Therefore_I_Must_Cry) On the right side of people’s reddit profiles, under “more options” there is an option of sending people messages. 
> 
> Once again, this isn’t goodbye! It’s a see you soon. : )

**Author's Note:**

> Shorter’s Mandarin Conversation:  
> Shorter’s Mom in the Kitchen: “Stop flirting with your girlfriend and get back to work!”  
> Shorter: “He’s not my girlfriend, Ma!” *blushes furiously 
> 
> Wanted: Beta (Fish) Reader  
> Do you have experience swimming through the turbulent seas of editing and fanfic beta reading? Do you want to be among the first to gobble up this story? Do you love metaphors as flowy and iridescent as betta fish fins? Then please for the love of all that is good and Banana Fish message me. 
> 
> Not gonna lie fam, this is the first fanfic I ever wrote (after reading fanfic for like a decade), so a Beta would be aammaazziinngg. Because I love Banana Fish too damn much not to try my absolute best. 
> 
> References in this Chapter (For geeks and nerds who love to learn)  
> 1.) Ash’s Asura dream is based off of this [ Buddhist story about an anger eating Asura ](http://americanbuddhistjournal.blogspot.com/2010/12/anger-eating-demon-buddhist-story.html)  
> 2.) “What’s a [hootenanny?”](https://grammarist.com/interesting-words/hootenanny/)  
> 3.) Learn more about the ‘looking-glass self’ [here](https://lesley.edu/article/perception-is-reality-the-looking-glass-self)  
> 4.) Death’s line about never escaping your heart is slightly modified from [The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho](https://www.amazon.com/Alchemist-Paulo-Coelho/dp/0061122416). It’s one of those books that casually changes your life forever.  
> 5.) Skip’s Fish Market is based off of the very real Pike Place Fish Market in Seattle. Skip’s amusement park is also based on a real place (that I reeeaaalllyyy want to go to) [City Museum in St. Louis, Missouri](https://www.tripadvisor.com/Attraction_Review-g44881-d107810-Reviews-City_Museum-Saint_Louis_Missouri.html)  
> 6.) Bethesda Fountain is also a [real place](https://www.centralpark.com/things-to-do/attractions/bethesda-fountain/) you can visit in Central Park.  
> 7.) Anyone catch the Spirited Away reference? ;)  
> 8.) [The Things They Carried by Tim O'brien](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Things_They_Carried) is a Vietnam War novel which ties in real well with the original time frame of the Banana Fish manga. It’s too bad The Things They Carried (published in 1990) was slightly too modern for Banana Fish to allude to; it would have made a great episode title for the anime!
> 
> Look forward to more book/media/real life references in future chapters. : )


End file.
